The Case of the Phlatulent Phantom
by The-Loki
Summary: The Scooby Gang encounters a celebrity guest unlike any they have ever seen.
1. A New Perspective

None of the recognizable characters are mine. However, two of the characters are mine. I will elaborate on these two so everyone gets the idea of who and what they are.  
  
Loki: Not the Norse God, and also not the guy from Dogma. Any Matt Damon references will get you hurt. Loki is one of the most powerful beings in existence, and also one of the last people who should be. He is a mage of the highest caliber, but doesn't take his ability seriously. In terms of pure power potential, he is unmatched, but lacks focus and has never really learned how to use his abilities properly. So he doesn't use them very often, for the risk of great destruction is highly prevalent every time he does. Loki epitomizes the Chaotic Neutral alignment. He does what he pleases, and has a moral code when he feels like having one. Despite this, he is not a bad person. He does have limits and things that he won't do.  
  
Loki's supreme attribute is his keen mind. He is highly cunning, and can turn almost anything to work for his advantage. His biggest flaw is his hedonism. Loki has very low willpower and is easily distracted, which can lead to hugely disastrous results. Loki loves the ladies, and his dashing good looks and striking fashion sense help him a great deal.  
  
Philo Stone: Loki's archfoe, but doesn't know it. Stone is Captain America, Doc Savage, Superman, and every other squeaky-clean superhero rolled into one. He does everything perfectly and with minimal effort, which drives Loki nuts, who is usually left looking like a fool by comparison. Stone is highly practical, and has no illusions about his abilities, which are in fact superhuman. While Loki is immersed in magic, Stone is surrounded by technology. Stone does not believe in magic, and this seems to sustain a null-magic field around him that neutralizes any magical activity. So anything Loki tries to do usually fails. This is why Loki hates Stone. He shows Loki up without even trying. He makes his way as a professional adventurer, doing just about everything one could think of, from recovering ancient Mayan artifacts to battling super-villain syndicates. He always seems to show up when Loki is around, and always at the last time when Loki wants him there. The worst thing is that Stone actually resembles Loki fairly strongly, so Loki gets mugged for autographs, photos, and the occasional mob assault squad out for Stone's head.  
  
  
  
THE CASE OF THE PHLATULENT PHANTOM  
  
  
  
(Section 1)  
  
-Open on Possum Swamp. It is dark, smelly, and noisy. Croaking, buzzing, and chirping abound. The gnarled, twisted branches reach out in a skeleton of wood under the canopy of leaves. An unidentifiable green glow can be seen from far into the swamp.  
  
-Cut to inside of Mystery Machine. Fred is driving; Daphne is sitting next to him. Velma is leaning against the passenger door as far from them as she can be.  
  
Fred: So Velma, tell me again about this cousin Harold we're going to see.  
  
Velma: He lives at Possum Lodge. My uncle sent him to live with the other uncle no one talks about. He said something about them deserving each other. The lodge is pretty deep into the swamp. (She stops; a surprised look crosses her face) At this rate, we'll be there in no time.  
  
F: (Also surprised) You're right. It looks like we'll get to the lodge on schedule. This road is so smooth; it looks as if it was redone yesterday. There's no way we could blow a tire on it. And there have been gas stations every two miles. Funny thing, they all had signs reading "Just Opened". And all the roads except for this one have been closed. They all look fine to me.  
  
Daphne: And the road is really smooth!  
  
-V looks at D with confusion.  
  
V: Right, Daphne. Not only was that painfully obvious, but Fred already said it.  
  
D: He did?  
  
-The Mystery Machine drives past another "Road Closed" sign and off screen. A blue Lamborghini Diablo smashes through the sign. Loki steps out and looks at sign. His long black hair is hanging past his finely shaped face. His long black leather coat wraps him in shadow. He looks back down the road.  
  
Loki: Road closed? This road is just fine. Weird.  
  
-He continues on. He drives by the swamp.  
  
L: Ahh.Possum Swamp! Home of the most potent marijuana ever grown. Somewhere in that soggy, wet, trickling.AH MAN!!  
  
-L pulls off road and urinates in bushes. While pissing, L hears farting noises.  
  
L: Hmm.must be swamp gas.  
  
-The noises are growing nearer, and are right behind L.  
  
L: (Turning around) Huh?  
  
-The Phlatulent Phantom is standing there. He is giving off a green glow, and looks like a decaying zombie covered in swamp muck. He is standing in a threatening pose, waving his arms over his head.  
  
Phantom: Boogy boogy.(looks down to see Loki pissing on his leg) AH SHIT!  
  
-Phantom runs off. L finishes urinating.  
  
L: That was odd. Never seen a ghost wearing knee-high galoshes before. (Sees the green glow emanating from the swamp) Ooo Pretty!  
  
-L vanishes into swamp.  
  
-Cut back to Mystery Machine. Velma is looking out the window of the van. Velma is leaning on Fred's shoulder. The van stops.  
  
V: (Still looking out window) Don't tell me. Despite all the perfect conditions and linear path, you still managed to get us lost, didn't you?  
  
F: (Shamefully) Yeah.  
  
D: I think we're lost.  
  
V: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. So, what are our options, Fred?  
  
F: We seem to be at a fork in the road. (Looking at the four possible paths) That way leads to an abandoned amusement park, that leads an abandoned casino, that way leads to an empty air field, and that way goes to an old spooky house.  
  
V: How fantastic. Shaggy! Scooby!  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby pop up from the back of the van. Both look very ragged, tired, and grumpy.  
  
Sh: Like, are we there yet? I need to.(Shaggy stops talking, and looks as if he's about to vomit.)  
  
Sc: Raggy!  
  
Sh: (Clutching at his throat) Zoiks! Like, what's going on? My voooooooo.(his squeaky voice drops several octaves. He now sounds like Jack Nicholson) Whoa, I forgot what my real voice sounded like. I must be coming down. My head's clearing up. We have to get to that lodge fast!  
  
V: (Not caring) Looks like Fred got us lost.  
  
Sh: Yeah? So what's new about that? That's Number One on my checklist.  
  
F: What checklist?  
  
Sh: That's Number Two. Fred asks a stupid question.  
  
D: What stupid question?  
  
Sh: Number Three. Daphne says something that makes Fred look semi- intelligent.  
  
V: Then what's Number Four?  
  
Sh: Appearance of Celebrity Guest Star.  
  
-Loki emerges from swamp behind van. He is completely stoned and surrounded with smoke, and faintly glowing green. No one sees him. He cheers, "Free Weed!" and stumbles off.  
  
V: (Growing impatient) I don't see any Celebrity Guest Star. Now Shaggy, Scooby, we're lost. We need you two to go find some help.  
  
Sh: And what are you three going to do?  
  
V: We're going to stay here with the van.  
  
Sc: Rhy rould re ro rit?  
  
V: Why should you do it? You two always go find help.  
  
Sh: That's Number Five. What's in it for us? I'm not about to do something dumb just 'cause you ask, Velma.  
  
V: I'll give you both a treat.  
  
Sh: It better be good. My taste buds are starting to regain sensation.  
  
-V produces box of Scooby Snacks.  
  
Sh: Why are you trying to bribe me with fuckin' dog biscuits? 


	2. Possum Lodge

(Section 2)  
  
-The Mystery Machine has stopped in front of the old spooky house. All are standing on the steps. Shaggy is making marks on his list.  
  
V: Possum Lodge! I haven't been here since.I can't remember.  
  
Sh: Say, Velma, how many other family members do you have that we don't know about? We've met several people you're related to, and then we never see them again. That's another checkoff. Meet an obscure previously unmentioned relative.  
  
Sc: Ri rave Rooby Rumb rand Rappy Roo!  
  
Sh; Yeah, Scooby, I'm aware you know your relatives. They've made so many guest appearances no one can forget them.  
  
V: Though some of us wish we could. They took so much glory we humans we left as scenery.  
  
CREEEEEEEEAK  
  
-The door of the lodge creaks open ominously.  
  
Sh: Next checkpoint. Appearance of secondary character that furthers along plot. Also the point where we start taking inventory of who the villain might be.  
  
-The door is open. Before them stands Red Green. He has a gray beard and is wearing a flannel shirt, and a bandoleer of duct tape. He is holding a blowtorch in one hand and a hacksaw in the other.  
  
Sh: There's a prime candidate.  
  
Red: Hi kids. Are you all here for the amusement park?  
  
Sh: You mean that merry-go-round made out of stuffed animals and duct tape?  
  
Sc: Rand rardboard.  
  
R: Yeah.so how many?  
  
V: Uncle Red, it's me! Velma!  
  
R: (Taking a moment) It is you, Velma! Daughter I never had! And good thing, too. Harold's bad enough.  
  
V: Where is Harold? I called ahead, and told him I was coming.  
  
R: You did? I didn't hear anything about it. I don't know where Harold is. I'm filming my show right now. Then I've got a lodge meeting. He'll be there.  
  
Sh: Good thing. He and I have some business to do.  
  
R: Shaggy? It that you? Last time you were here, you were squeaking like a mouse, and ran away from them too.  
  
Sh: Watch yourself, old man. A man on withdrawal is not something you want to see.  
  
-Scooby glares at Red.  
  
R: (Taken aback) Well, Shaggy, looks like something else dropped besides your voice. Somebody grew a backbone. Though from the look of you, that's about all you have.  
  
Sh: See how you look when all you ever do is run from things.  
  
Sc: Re're ralrays rungry.  
  
R: Yes, I recall. Last time you fellas were here, you ate out the entire pantry I had stocked for the lodge meeting. Which was supposed to feed twenty grown men. At least I was able to restock enough beer for the lodge members.  
  
F: What's beer?  
  
R: I see Fred hasn't changed.  
  
D: That man has a beard.  
  
R: And neither has Daphne.  
  
V: So Uncle Red, if we have time, why don't you give us the tour? There's been a lot changes to this place since I last saw it. What's with all the new structures?  
  
R: I'll show you. Everybody come this way.  
  
-Red leads the Gang out the back door of the lodge. He leads them down to the amusement park.  
  
R: As you all saw before, this is the Possum Lodge amusement park.  
  
V: Uh huh.It's a carousel made out of stuffed animals, cardboard, and duct tape.  
  
Sh: And the pony ride is a dead goat tied to a tetherball pole. The rope's so short; the goat's even hanging off it. Is that duct tape around its neck?  
  
D: Look! A pony ride!  
  
R: (Shaking off a wave of stupidity nausea) Let's move on, shall we?  
  
R: Next we have the Possum Lodge Casino. Beautiful, isn't it?  
  
Sh: That's a condemned bingo hall. There's a hole the size of the Mystery Machine in the roof.  
  
-Shaggy looks down at the checklist he's carrying. His eyes light up with a thought.  
  
Sh: That gives me an idea.  
  
Sc: Rhat, Raggy?  
  
Sh: This is fucking brilliant!  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby begin to scheme between each other.  
  
R: And next we have the Possum Lodge Air Field.  
  
V: Uncle Red, that's a strip of dirt running under power lines, and bordered by trees.  
  
R: Ummm.Watching the planes land sure is fun. Of course, only Buzz Sherwood has ever tried. We've had to clean up the wreckage of fifteen planes. And this strip was put in last week. It was Harold's idea. I put him in charge of attracting tourism to the Lodge after he came back from the city. He had a whole boatload of ideas, and also a very scheming, underhanded look on his face. Oh well, next thing.  
  
-Next building.  
  
R: And here is the Possum Lodge Motel.  
  
Sh: How did you manage to build a motel out of a single outhouse, Red?  
  
R: Government subsidies. We met some resistance, but we raised a stink about it, and they gave us the money to go away.  
  
-The Gang has returned to the back of the Lodge. Red points out to Possum Swamp.  
  
R: And finally, we have the Possum Swamp Marina.  
  
V: Uncle Red, that's an old rotting deck with a canoe.  
  
Sh: And there's a human skeleton hanging from the dock. I feel like I'm standing in Deliverance. Except there aren't any neurotic, psychotic chicks jumping half-naked into the water. DAPHNE! GET BACK HERE!  
  
R: Yeah, well the alligators around here are very aggressive.  
  
Sh: Just what are alligators doing in Canada?  
  
R: Umm.(looks at his wrist that has no watch) Look at the time! It's time for the lodge meeting! So you all can see Harold, and.Say, where are Fred and Daphne?  
  
-Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby look around. They are gone.  
  
BANG BANG  
  
V: That came from inside the lodge!  
  
-Everyone rushes inside.  
  
BANG BANG  
  
-The banging is coming from the basement door.  
  
F: Hey, gang? Daphne and I got trapped in the basement. Can you get us out?  
  
Sc: Row rid rhey ret rin rhere?  
  
V: How could they have gotten trapped in the basement when they were right behind us?  
  
Sh: Holy shit. They skipped ahead on my list. Those two aren't supposed to get stuck in basement until after the ghost has made two appearances.  
  
R: (Looking nervous) Ghost?  
  
V: Yes, Uncle Red, that's what I've been doing all this time. Solving mysteries with this bunch. It gives me something to do when I'm not.never mind.  
  
-Red unlocks the door. Fred and Daphne come out.  
  
R: Just how did you two get in there?  
  
D: I don't know.  
  
R: Fred?  
  
F: The ghost chased us in there.  
  
R: What ghost?  
  
F: Uhhhhh.  
  
R: Never mind. I have to go host the Lodge meeting now. When it's over, Harold will be available. See you in a couple hours.  
  
-The time passes slowly. Shaggy and Scooby are busy writing things on several sheets of paper. Fred, Daphne, and Velma are watching TV. Fred and Daphne want to watch Sesame Street, and Velma keeps trying to change the channel to Gladiator. Loki, who has lost his emerald glow, passes by the window. He glances inside and sees the Scooby Gang. His eyes pass over Velma and Fred, and he gives a look of disgust. His eyes lock on Daphne for a moment, then he goes on into the Lodge Meeting Hall.  
  
-A couple of hours later, the congregation of Possum Lodge pours out of the Meeting Hall. Harold, shining in his geekiness, with his standard thick glasses, pocket protector, and hiked-up pants, exits last. He is talking with Loki, who is speaking in hushed tones.  
  
L: So, fifteen ounces from the remaining barge will come to.(Looks up) Shaggy! Scooby! And Daphne! And Limp-Wrist and the Bovine! Haven't seen any of you since High School! None of you have changed! (Looks at everyone) Nope, not at all. Not even your clothes.  
  
Sh: Looks like someone else has been dipping into Dick Clark's fountain of youth.  
  
L: Whoa! Shaggy! Your voice went back to normal! No more smokey smoke?  
  
Sh: Nah, I've gone so long without it, my system's starting to clear itself out. That's why I'm here. Harold sells the best hash I've ever toked. Ay, Scoob?  
  
Sc: Reah! Rarold ras reeeeeeeeet reefer!  
  
L: That's awfully funky. Someone sent me a sample of this junk, and I was soaring through the best high I've ever had. Only thing was, it made me squeak like a mouse, and made me scared of everything I saw.  
  
Sh: Now you know how Scoob and I have gotten along this far.  
  
L: So you guys sent it to me?  
  
Sc: Rot rus.  
  
L: No? Then who did?  
  
-Velma runs over to Harold.  
  
V: Cousin Harold!  
  
Harold: Cousin Velma!  
  
V: How have you been, Harold? Since you came back from the city?  
  
H: The city gave me a lot of ideas, Velma. I've been implementing them here at the Lodge. So far they've been going rather well.  
  
V: You mean the dirt airstrip and the condemned bingo hall?  
  
H: No, those are to keep Uncle Red happy. I mean the insurance scams, and the criminal network I've establi.Yes, I mean the bingo hall.  
  
V: Harold, you know who my employer is. I can't tolerate any criminal activity, so.(Velma's eyes drift behind Harold)  
  
-Ranger Gord is coming out from the Lodge Hall. He is wearing a Fire Warden's uniform that is worn and torn from being worn for fifteen years. He is large and good-looking, except for the odd orange scarf around his neck. He eyes Velma as well.  
  
V: Oh my God. Harold, who is that?  
  
H: Oh him. That's Ranger Gord. He's been up at the Fire Watch Tower for sixteen years. Today was the first day he's come down. He once mistook a log for a naked woman, so he's full blown crazy.  
  
V: I can do crazy.  
  
-Velma leaps like a puma right onto Gord's massive chest and scissors her legs around his waist. Gord does not even notice. Velma gives a pouty look. She then sees Fred, and a thought crosses her mind.  
  
She begins to untie the scarf around Gord's neck. Red runs over in a panic.  
  
R: No Velma! I tied that scarf on him to keep his masculinity sedated!  
  
-As soon as Velma removes the scarf, an animal wildness flows into Gord's eyes. He looks down at the little sweater-wrapped form on his chest.  
  
Gord: Mmmmm. Gord like soft bumpy things.  
  
-Gord runs up the stairs, with Velma still attached. A door slams loudly.  
  
L: I never thought I'd see that happen.  
  
Sh: That completely threw off my list.  
  
L: What list would that be?  
  
Sh: Come outside. I'll tell you over a bowl.  
  
-Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby run off to the swamp.  
  
D: There's going to.Fred, what are they doing?  
  
F: I don't know, Daphne.  
  
R: (Looks at Fred and Daphne) Say, Harold, I'll give you five dollars if you untie Fred's scarf.  
  
H: All right.  
  
-Harold sneaks up behind Fred, and unties the scarf. Fred eyes give a primal glow, and he runs upstairs with Harold in tow.  
  
H: Heeeeelp!!  
  
R: Yup, I thought so.  
  
-Loki, Shaggy, have returned from outside. All three of them have ridiculously high, squeaky voices, and are laughing hysterically.  
  
L: Zoiks! Like, that is brilliant! Why am I talking like you?  
  
Sh: Like, it's the junk, man. Does this to everyone.  
  
Sc: Ree hee hee hee!  
  
-Red approaches the trio  
  
R: Welcome back, boys.  
  
All 3: AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!  
  
R: What? Did I scare you?  
  
Sh: Like, yeah.  
  
R: Sorry. Thought if you all were going to spend the night, you should make some arrangements for rooms. So far, there's only one room reserved, so you should all be fine.  
  
L: You mean, like, we have to all sleep in that outhouse?  
  
R: Oh no, that's the spare room. There are a few more upstairs.  
  
Sh: Like, cool! So who's staying here? Some celebrity? I haven't seen the guest yet. That's a blank space on the list.  
  
-Shaggy, Scooby, and Loki bust out laughing.  
  
R: Actually, it is someone rather famous. Ever heard of Philo Stone?  
  
-Loki stops laughing and starts coughing so hard his voice drops back down.  
  
L: Di.did you just say Philo Stone?  
  
R: Yeah, you know of him?  
  
L: Know OF him? He's only the biggest thorn in my side I could ever ask for! Why would he be coming here?  
  
R: I suspect to see the marina. It's renowned throughout Canada.  
  
Sh: Right. As the only marina with water you can walk on. Water that thick has to be the world records somewhere.  
  
L: I see you're coming back to Earth, Shaggy.  
  
Sh: And wishing I were gone again.  
  
R: So you guys going to get rooms?  
  
L: I guess so. Of course, we don't need to tell Fred about the other rooms. Where is he anyway?  
  
-Harold comes running down the stairs. His hair is a bushy mess.  
  
H: * huff* * puff* It was horrible! He tied me to a chair, locked the door, and took off his shirt. Then he advanced on me; with animal passion seething out of every pore. Then he.he.  
  
L: He what?  
  
H: He did my hair.  
  
L: That was disappointing. So, Red, when is Stone set to arrive here?  
  
R: In about five minutes.  
  
L: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 


	3. I'm going through changes

(Section 3)  
  
-Loki is sitting at the Lodge bar. Mike Hammer, a skinny, non-threatening looking guy with a look of earnest stupidity on his face, is the bartender. Loki is nursing a drink, and is hunched over the bar watching the glass. There is a rhythmic bass beat pulsating from the room above the bar. The rhythm is similar to that of an indigenous tribal drum beat. The beat is so strong; Loki is watching his glass bounce on the bar in time to it. The room is filled with the members of the Lodge drinking beer and playing poker.  
  
L: Well, I'm soooo glad Red made a mistake on Stone's reservation time. Turns out it's nine AM as opposed to nine PM. Now I've got another twelve hours to stew and wait for him to get here.  
  
Mike: So whatcha gonna do until this Stone get here?  
  
L: I'm not sure yet.. (L looks up at the ceiling).but I could certainly think of something a lot easier if those two would downshift a few gears. The thought of the Velma the Bovine in that context makes me nauseous. At least they had the decency to turn on the stereo so we wouldn't hear THEM.  
  
Red: Ummm.Loki, there isn't even a radio in that room.  
  
-Loki downs his drink in one gulp.  
  
L: Yo, Mike? Could you just send the whole bottle this way? I'm going to need it.  
  
-Mike sets a bottle of bourbon next to Loki, which begins to bounce along with the glass.  
  
L: I don't need this.  
  
-Loki gathers the bottle and glass to himself. Then Loki begins to bounce on his stool with the beat.  
  
M: Loki, I don't mean to pry into someone else's affairs, but is that a Lamborghini Diablo you have out there?  
  
L: Why, yes it is.  
  
M: Year 1996?  
  
L: Right again.  
  
M: With an 8-cylinder fuel injection engine?  
  
L: Yeah.  
  
M: Vintage number 33998256?  
  
L: All right, what did you do? Read the registration? Wait, you couldn't have. It's fake.  
  
M: I'm just familiar with cars. Why I remember my first Corvette.but that's all past now. I'm familiar with that model's capabilities. Zero to sixty in two and a half seconds. Top speed of two hundred and twenty. I'll bet that baby can leave cop cruisers choking on dust.  
  
L: Yes, so I've notic..so I've heard.  
  
M: The amazing thing about those machines is they can blast through the streets like a sonic missile, zip out of sight like a shadow, and still hold up to be driven another day. Yet put one of those through a chop shop, and it'll be stripped to its bare essentials in sixty seconds.  
  
-Before Mike can blink, Loki has shot out of his chair and leapt behind the bar, and is holding Mike in the air by the throat. Mike is already losing consciousness from oxygen deprivation.  
  
L: What.Have.You.Done?  
  
M: (Speaking between gasps of air) Nothing. I never touched your car. I don't do that stuff anymore.  
  
-Loki drops Mike and hops back over the bar. Mike falls to his knees. Loki waits for him to stand back up.  
  
M: I used to do things like that. But Red is helping me go straight.  
  
L: Go straight, huh? So if I introduced you to Fred, you'd turn him down?  
  
M: Not that kind of straight! I had a less than reputable past, and I'm distancing myself from it. Oh by the way, here are your keys.  
  
-Mike has Loki's keys. Loki is looking at him, stunned and furious.  
  
M: You dropped them when you jumped over here to kill me. Here's your wallet, too.  
  
-Loki collects both items. The pounding from upstairs suddenly halts. The sudden stop of the bouncing throws off the entire room. Everyone grabs their chairs to keep from falling over.  
  
L: I never thought they'd stop. After four hours straight, they must be dead.  
  
-The pounding resumes. This time at a much faster pace.  
  
L: What are they doing now?  
  
R: The theme from Bonanza.  
  
L: What? They just shifted gears after all that?  
  
R: Gears nothing! They just shifted entire GENRES!  
  
-Fred and Daphne wander into the bar. Fred is carrying a camcorder and a light meter and is taking reading and testing camera angles. Daphne has entered the bar in a very irritable and aggravated mood. She comes to a rest, leaning on the jukebox. Everyone in the lodges eyes zoom to the redhead. They are staring, drooling, and muttering amongst each other. One of the members, on the prodding of the others, gets up and approaches Daphne.  
  
Dalton: Ummmm. Excuse me, Ms. Blake?  
  
D (In a noncivil tone): What?  
  
Da: Me and some the other guys were wondering...are you a girl?  
  
D: What kind of question is that?  
  
Da: It's just that we all love you on your show so much, and the only women we ever see have thicker moustaches than we do. So we didn't think anyone could look like you do. So, are you a girl?  
  
D: Last time I checked. What show?  
  
Da: Could I check?  
  
-Daphne socks Dalton in the face.  
  
Da: (As he holds his eye and returns to his chair) She's just like the wife!  
  
-Fred takes a shot of Daphne on the jukebox, and moves around the bar. He is taking shots of everything, wide and close.  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby drag themselves into the bar. They are filthy, dirty, dripping wet, and covered in slime. Neither one is in good humors.  
  
L: Tuatha De! What happened to you two?  
  
Sc: Ron't rask.  
  
Sh: We've been combing every inch of this fucking lodge; trying to find where Harold keeps his weed. We need a hit real bad.  
  
L: And it hasn't occurred to you to just ask Harold and buy some?  
  
Sh: Loki, have YOU ever paid for your weed?  
  
L: Oh yeah, good point. He probably has it hidden just in case of that. And given that Red apparently knows nothing about it, it's most likely hidden well. Then again, Red wouldn't notice a nuclear warhead under the dinner table. But if you've seen under the dinner table, Harold could be manufacturing biological weaponry down there.  
  
Sh: We looked over every inch of the lodge, and we couldn't find anything. All we managed to find was a steel reinforced bunker holding caches of explosives and armaments. They had a really big TV on that covered the whole wall, and an XBox hooked up to it. There were all these computers processing data, and what looked like mail and online orders. Then there was this really long table with all these metal uncomfortable chairs surrounding it. At the head of it was this huge cushioned swivel chair that had this nameplate on the back. It said, "OUR FEARLESS TYRANNICAL LEADER AND PRESIDENT OF THE KEY CLUB: HAROLD GREEN." But no weed.  
  
L: Uh huh. And you two are SURE you didn't find the weed? And did you just say an Xbox?  
  
Sc: Reah. RexRox. Really rice rone. Re rayed Read ror Ralive Ree. Really ROT ricks!  
  
L: Yes, so I've heard. I must find that Xbox! But first...  
  
-Fred sticks the light meter right in Loki's face. Loki grabs it, and it explodes in his grasp.  
  
L: Fred? I've mentioned about how I hate how when you film me.  
  
F: I have to prepare the perfect shot!  
  
L: Of what exactly?  
  
F: My artistic integrity would be compromised to reveal that now! I have a masterpiece to make!  
  
Sh: Fred, we've been putting up with your "artistic integrity" for way too long. Can you ever give the shit a rest?  
  
Sc: Ret it ro, Red.  
  
Red: Someone call me?  
  
L: No.  
  
F: Now everyone move to the other side of the bar. I'm going to do a master shot.  
  
L: That's not gonna happen, Fred. Now I remember why I haven't seen you all in so long. There were several things I couldn't stand about you. First, you were always giving orders to everybody. Second, you wanted to share my room. That was extremely frightening, and very eroding on the sanity. Then you were always carrying around that video camera, like we were on a documentary or something. Most importantly, Fred, never forget this. I was the one who started the Scooby Gang. You were the rookie. You were never in any position to lead the group to anything.  
  
F: (Stunned) You're being edited out now!  
  
Sh: (Pointing out the door) Look Fred! It's the ghost! He probably left some clues!  
  
F: Let's go, gang! We've got a mystery to solve!  
  
Sc: Re'll ratch rup.  
  
Sh: Right, we'll catch up later.  
  
-Fred grabs Daphne and drags her out the door, filming every step.  
  
  
  
L: Norville, you really are a lot more likable when you're stoned.  
  
Sh: Fuck you. Say, Loki, you're getting that look again. You're planning to rip someone off, aren't you?  
  
L: You still know me well, Shag. Look around, what do you see?  
  
Sh: A room full of backwoods, braindead hillbillys playing poker.  
  
L: Right. Did you look at the pots?  
  
Sh: The ones with belts on them?  
  
L: No, no, the ones on the table. Oh wait, they are on the table. I mean the money.  
  
Sh: Yeah. Those are some big bills.  
  
L: Those pots have a couple thousand riding on those hands. Which means that these beer vacuums have a shitload of money, and obviously aren't spending it any other way. I suspect the Harold's income is financing this. And ill-gotten gains are doomed to be lost.  
  
Sh: Then why do you still have your car?  
  
L: Never mind that. I propose a lively game to catch their attention, and open their wallets.  
  
Sh: What did you have in mind?  
  
L: Do you remember that party we were at after your football game?  
  
Sh: You mean the one where you woke up in the swimming pool the next day in a pink bunny suit?  
  
L: Yes, and I'll thank you to never mention that again. Remember what ELSE I did there?  
  
Sh: Party Scam #67?  
  
L: 68, actually.  
  
Sh: The one with the darts.  
  
L: Correct.  
  
Sh: You plan to cheat?  
  
L: Is there any other way?  
  
Sh: With the voodoo you do?  
  
L: Of course.  
  
Sh: And you have no problem with taking advantage of rich, brainless fools?  
  
L: Imerely set the temptation. It's their choice whether they fail or succeed.  
  
Sh: Quoting Lucifer always me feel better. So what's my cut?  
  
L: Why should you get one?  
  
Sh: I still have pictures of the bunny suit.  
  
L: Forty sound good?  
  
Sh: Take it up with my agent. -Motions toward Scooby.  
  
L: Scooby?  
  
Sc: Rixty.  
  
L: SIXTY! Why did I ever make you talk?  
  
Sh: Hey man, all I said was I'd like to know what the dog was trying to tell us. You're the one who went Hocus-Pocus and made him talk.  
  
Sc: Rith a reech rimrediment ro ress.  
  
L: What did you expect, Scoobert? Your vocal cords aren't made to work like that.  
  
Sh: Thanks to you, Loki, we've had to put up with his incessant yakking for years.  
  
L: What was he trying to tell that time anyhow?  
  
Sh: He was telling us that little Timmy had fallen down a mine shaft.  
  
L: And what? We were supposed to help him?  
  
Sh: Nah, that he was going to nail that Lassie bitch now that he had the chance.  
  
L: (Stunned) Scoob?  
  
Sc: Ree hee hee hee!  
  
WHAT'S THIS? LOKI FOUNDED THE SCOOBY GANG? BUT HOW? AND WHAT IS FRED DOING WITH THAT CAMERA? WHAT IS WITH DAPHNE ANYWAY? WILL VELMA AND GORD EVER COME BACK DOWN? WHERE HAS THE PHATULENT PHANTOM GONE? WHEN WILL PHILO STONE GET HERE? AND WHO REALLY SHOT J.R.? ALL THIS AND MORE ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF "AS YOUR STOMACH CHURNS"! 


	4. Loki's Field Day

(Section 4)  
  
-In Red's storage area and workspace. Loki is skipping into it like the Pied Piper of Hamlin holding two six packs of beer. All the members of the Lodge are following him like entranced rats into the workshop. Shaggy and Scooby are following close behind, shooing any lagging behind into the room with brooms.  
  
Loki has set up an old hubcap on the wall, and crudely drawn numbers and sections like a dart board.  
  
Shaggy and Scooby has herded everyone into a small crowd. Loki tosses the beer into the crowd, and they pounce on it like ravenous animals. While the Lodge members are going to war over the beer, Loki waves his hands in an arcane fashion. He slams his palms together, and an explosion of smoke erupts from the floor. When it clears, a carnival barker's booth has materialized on the shop.  
  
L: (Taking on the airs of a carnival barker) Gather 'round, folks, gather 'round! Step right up and take the challenge of the century! Dare to brave the perils of the Dart Board of Death! See how it spins!  
  
-Loki makes a circling motion with his hands, uttering under his breath, "Cyclus Mathonwy". The dart board made out a hubcap on the wall begins to spin like a knife-throwers wheel.  
  
L: Be sure to throw with the precision and accuracy of a sniper! For ten dollars for three throws, the risk is high! But he who hits the bull's eye, wins the whole pot! Here be the darts! Who's the first to brave this gauntlet?  
  
Red: Sure, I'll take that bet.  
  
L: Excellent, Red! Let me prepare the darts, and we'll get this party started.  
  
-Loki appears to inspect the darts, which are actually nails, in his grasp. He whispers down to them.  
  
L: To all those who hold you, cause them to miss; but to me bestow Victory's Kiss!"  
  
-Red hands the darts to Red. He takes his first throw, and plants it in the wall, missing the hubcap completely. The second throw narrowly misses Scooby's head, sticking on a completely different wall. The third one lands dead in Harold's butt. Harold yelps out in pain.  
  
R: How did that happen? Harold was behind me.  
  
L: Must have been a stray gust of wind.  
  
H: Loki, all the windows are closed.  
  
L: Then Red has got to be the most skilled trick shooter I've ever seen. Who's next?  
  
-Buzz Sherwood takes the bet next. The first dart plants itself in the ceiling, the second ricochets off the edge of the hubcap, and the third punctures Harold's shoe, going right between his toes.  
  
A bass voice booms from up above, where Velma and Gord are.  
  
Voice: Say my name! Say my name, BITCH!  
  
Red: Damn, I've never seen Gord like that. He's really...  
  
Shrill Voice: VELMA! VELMA!  
  
Everyone:...whipped.  
  
-The game continues until everyone in the Lodge has placed their bets and done severe damage to the Lodge and Harold. A hefty pot of 2000 dollars has accumulated. Bill stands up to take his turn.  
  
R: TAKE COVER!!!!  
  
-Bill, in his ever silent fashion, gives a confident thumbs-up and a stupid grin. All the Lodge members dive from sight. Loki looks over at Shaggy and Scooby.  
  
Sh: When in Rome...  
  
-They duck also. Bill makes three expert shots at the hubcap, and they go right into a grate in the ventilation system. A long string of clanging noises can be heard in the vents, and the nails come shooting out from behind Bill and hook the bib on his overalls, dragging him across the floor and impaling themselves in the wall. Bill is left stuck to the wall, desperately trying to dislodge himself. Everyone cautiously rises from their hiding places-  
  
L: (Gathering the pot) Looks like the game's done. Thanks for playing, folks. Shaggy! Scooby! Drinks are on you!  
  
Sc: Rastard.  
  
-They return to the bar. They plop down in front of the counter. As they collect their drinks, the tempo from upstairs changes again.  
  
L: I'll be damned.  
  
Sh: What is it?  
  
L: The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies. I never thought that would be possible.  
  
Sh: Loki, why don't you do something to blot that shit. Something that pure makes my ears want to bleed.  
  
L: I surprised you could think of anything pure right now. What do you want me to do?  
  
Sh: Start up that jukebox over there.  
  
-Loki swipes a washer from the counter and flings toward the jukebox. It sails perfectly into the coin slot. The box starts playing "Deep" from Nickelback. Red enters the bar and stops and stares at the jukebox.  
  
R: How could that jukebox be playing modern music? That hasn't been working since 1960.  
  
-From outside, a female voice yells out- "No no! Not like that! Do it again!"  
  
L: That sounds promising. I might be able to do it correctly. Let's have a look, shall we?  
  
-Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby go outside the Lodge and see in the woods next to the building. Harold is standing on a podium giving on impassioned speech to the assembled Lodge members, minus Red. The trio strolls over to the area.  
  
L: Where did Harold learn German?  
  
Sh: And how did he grow that Charlie Chaplain moustache so fast?  
  
Sc: Rhat reans...  
  
Sh: A supporting character has given evidence leading to his suspicion of being the villain.  
  
-All three pull out sheets of paper.  
  
L: Check-off!  
  
Red: Hi, kids! What are ya doin'?  
  
-Loki notices a camera affixed to the outside of the Lodge. Every time Red, moves the camera follows him.  
  
L: Say, Red. What's with the camera?  
  
R: Oh that. Since my show consists of many locations, I set up cameras in every room of the Lodge. There's a transmitter in my hat that keeps the cameras on me at all times. Saves me a fortune on cameramen.  
  
-Harold has finished his oration and the Lodge members are disbanding. Harold, stepping down from the podium, is passing by the group with Mike Hammer and Dalton Humphries.  
  
L: So, Red, do you know how much longer it is until is until Philo Stone gets here?  
  
-Harold suddenly leaps in front of Loki, and in a rush of panicked adrenaline, grasps him by his coat and lifts him from his chair.  
  
Harold: Stone? Philo Stone? THE PHILO STONE? The Philo Stone who is an international adventurer and crime fighter? The Philo Stone who sent more criminals to prison than the FBI, Interpol, and Scotland Yard combined? Thephilostonewhohashonedhismindandbodytothehighestlevelofhumanperfectionposs iblesothathemightfoeverstandopposedtoallformsofvillianynomatterwheretheymigh toccur? Do you mean THAT Philo Stone?  
  
-Loki is beginning to breathe very shallowly. Harold has put him a death head lock.  
  
L: Maybe. Ever heard of him?  
  
H: I haven't the slightest idea who that is.  
  
-Harold releases Loki, who is gasping for breath.  
  
H: Mike, go call a Possum Lodge emergency meeting. For everyone except you, Uncle Red. We wouldn't dream of disrupting your show.  
  
-Mike heads into the Possum Lodge.  
  
R: Harold, what emergency?  
  
H: Well.we've got to get everything ready for filming your annual PBS special tomorrow.  
  
R: Aren't we going to do another lame collection of outtakes this year?  
  
H: Of Uncle Red, what would PBS call such an obvious scam?  
  
R: Business as usual.  
  
L: What are you two talking about?  
  
R: Don't you ever watch your local Public Television station?  
  
L: Not since Pay-per-View started showing adult movies. Why?  
  
R: Well, when Harold got back from the city, he thought it would be a good idea to create a local public access TV show featuring Succotash County's most beloved resident.  
  
Fred: Who's that?  
  
R: Me, you brain dead blonde.  
  
Daphne: When will we start running from the ghost?  
  
R: Anyway, what we do in our critically acclaimed if strangely low viewership show is that we have a sort of a free flow consciousness structure which follows me as I interact which various unconventional but endearing cast of rural eccentrics who inhabit the area around Possum Lake.  
  
L: So, you mean you basically screw around, ramble at the mouth, hang with a bunch of hicks who make the cast of Deliverance look like debutants, and then edit it down to a half-hour weekly show.  
  
R: That's a pretty accurate summation. Rather cruelly put, but accurate. Just remember, we did it long before MTV and their 'Real World" bullshit. I mean, what does that show have that we don't?  
  
D: Emotionally vacuous, intellectually barren, and personality challenged if hard bodied teenagers so desperate for attention that they willingly invite the unnervingly voyeuristic audience to forget their own lack of what is commonly called a life and passively watch as they engage in vicious, brutal in-fighting while stripping down to jump into pools semi- naked in a moment's notice.  
  
-Everyone turns and stares. Daphne shrugs.  
  
D: I auditioned for them twice.  
  
R: Riiiiiiiiight. Well, the Chairman of PBS saw it and thought that its eclectic sense of humor would fit in with the network's fine tradition of offbeat, unusual comedy. It's being used to provide a tasteful contrast to the orchestral concerts and that awful British comedy Harold seems to like so much.  
  
H: Ahem.  
  
L: They needed something cheap to fill an empty time slot, right.  
  
R: Right. Again, rather cruelly put but essentially correct.  
  
H: (Approaching Daphne) Excuse me, Ms. Blake. This may seem a bit forward, but have you ever considered being the mistress of a ridiculously rich and diabolically clever if socially inept criminal mastermind bent on worldwide economic domination?  
  
D: (Glancing at Fred, then looking back) Many times.  
  
-Fred and Daphne go back to filming amongst the trees. Daphne is acting all scared like she is running from something, and running into trees. Fred, behind the camera, is wearing a beret, and making limp-wristed directions and calling out in a highly feminine voice, "No! No! Again!"  
  
L: Fred. What are you doing?  
  
F: Don't interrupt me! I have to get this scene just perfect! When we came out here, there wasn't any ghost. Just these three kids who kept saying "Fuck" all the time. They said they filming a documentary about some witch. They were intruding on my artistic ingenuity, so made a wooden scarecrow and left over their tent in a tree. Then I took their map. I invented the cheaply made program of scared kids in the woods!  
  
D: Fred, I can't do this anymore. I need it. Right now. (She is beginning to shake, and her eyes are wild)  
  
F: (Glancing at the back of the van) Right here?  
  
D: Yes, Fred. Right here, right now. I don't care who sees. I need it now. (She drops to her knees)  
  
F: Do this scene right, Daphne, and you'll get all you need. And more.  
  
D: All right.  
  
-Daphne springs to her feet, and darts among the trees with a look of absolute terror on her face. She darts from tree to tree, until she falls to the dirt and screams.  
  
F: And CUT! That was beautiful! Gorgeous! Simply scrumptious!  
  
D: (Darting over to Fred and falling to her knees. She is grasping his pants tightly) NOW! Give to me NOW!  
  
F: All right, Daphne. You earned it. Nine inches of think, white, gleaming...malt.  
  
-Fred hands Daphne a milkshake. She downs it a single gulp. Her eyes glaze over, and she goes limp.  
  
D: Ohhhhh...the pixies are back.  
  
L: Daphne?  
  
D: That man is talking.  
  
L: Ah...I see now.  
  
Sh: What just happened?  
  
L: Something that explains a lot. I suspect you must have been too stoned to notice, Shag.  
  
Sh: What the fuck are you talking about?  
  
L: (Shaking his head) Once those two dimbulbs came around, the gang was doomed. I remember when it was you, me, and the Great Dane. Now those were some good times. And of course, we dealt with the real deal. There were those vampires in Collinsport, the werewolf in London, and those aliens in Roswell. And they were for real.  
  
Sh: Yessssss, thanks to you I found myself running from things when I was ninety-nine percent sure they were a guy in a cheap rubber suit and mask he bought at Spencers. In fact, when I worked there, I sold a few of those to the guys we turned over the cops later. I don't recall there being a law prohibiting a guy from wearing a Halloween costume.  
  
L: Then what was the problem? I never ran from them. I usually just punched them in the face.  
  
Sh: Loki, do you remember the time you conjured up Lilith and those six succubi? I used to weigh 280 pounds and was a linebacker on the high school football team. Ever wonder how I went from 280 to 140 in a single night?  
  
L: You weren't complaining at the time.  
  
Sh: I didn't know what they were DOING at the time.  
  
L: Oh really. Then why were crying for more?  
  
Sh: I wasn't crying for more. I was crying for MERCY.  
  
L: Ah yes. The redhead.  
  
Sh: Yes, who would have thought one of them was named Mercy. And Chastity. Although Charity was aptly named.  
  
L: So they sucked the life out of you. You could have gotten that weight back by now. You eat enough, but you have to stop running all the time.  
  
Sh: I wouldn't be running if it wasn't for that lingering one percent chance that those monsters could be real. And I have you to thank for that.  
  
L: Don't blame me, Shaggy. We didn't start the whole "Let's see who you really are, Mister" crap until the others came along. First, Velma starts hanging around like a little sister for who knows why, and gets under my skin just like one, too. Then Daphne starts tagging along since she and Velma were closet friends back in high school. And wherever Daphne goes, Fred follows with his goddamn camcorder. That's when we started ending up in abandoned amusement parks running away from some guy named Al in an elaborate scuba suit.  
  
Sh: I remember Al. I sold him that suit. He had a wife named Cindy, and two daughters. Nice guy.  
  
Just talked too damn much.  
  
H: Excuse me, Loki, but what are you doing to do about Philo Stone? Going to sceedaddle over to Despicable County?  
  
L: Nope, I guess I'm pretty much screwed. (Loki thinks a moment, then jokingly asks) Unless any you know of any munitions smugglers where I can pick up a brace of surface to air missiles.  
  
R: Nah.  
  
H: No.  
  
Dalton: Sure.  
  
-Shaggy, Scooby, Loki and Red look at Dalton with stunned expressions. Harold appears to be in shock.  
  
Da: Yeah, we got the latest in French extroset missiles....  
  
H: Dalton...  
  
Da: ...real hot little mommas.  
  
H: Dalton...  
  
Da: Here's our catalog.  
  
-Dalton hands Loki a very thick catalog with Harold's beaming face on the cover.  
  
Da: And here is the URL for our website.  
  
H: (In growing desperation) ...Dalton....  
  
Da: And we offer UPS next day delivery.  
  
H: DALTON!!!!!!  
  
Da: What?  
  
H: Oh, Dalton, you big kidder you! You know we don't have anything to do with the arms industry.  
  
-Harold grabs Dalton's earlobe and twists it painfully.  
  
H: And even if we did, we would make sure not mention it in front of certain people. Now would we?  
  
-Dalton looks over at Red and Loki, who are looking at both of them.  
  
Da: Uh, no. No we wouldn't.  
  
R: So, Loki. What are you going to do for the rest of the night?  
  
L: I'm going to have some more fun. FRED! DAPHNE! Come on inside! I have an idea!  
  
-Upstairs, in a room magically insulated from sound and vibration, The Scooby Gang plus Loki minus Velma is gathered around a table with a deck of cards.  
  
L: Ladies, gentleman, and dog, the game is strip poker. Allow me to prepare the deck.  
  
-Loki pulls the Kings out of the deck. They blink sleepily and look up at Loki.  
  
King of Spades: Ho there! Loki! 'Tis been a fair time!  
  
L: Whassup, Spade. All you boys ready? It's time to play.  
  
King of Clubs: I do spy a fair lass in the distance! Be she a maid to be wooed?  
  
L: In a way. You guys rule the cards. Get them in line.  
  
King of Hearts: I suspect that thee dost wish a diabolical scheme?  
  
L: Indeed. I need to make sure that wooable maid gets the crappiest hands the whole game.  
  
King of Diamonds: The Aces will protest. Shall we send the Joker to distract them?  
  
L: Good idea. -He shuffles the cards and winks at Scoob and Shag-  
  
L: The game begins.  
  
-The game continues on for a two hours. By this time, Daphne has removed nearly article of clothing. She is sitting in only a black lacy bra and panties, her neckerchief, and headband. Everyone is staring at her, save for Fred, who looking at Loki out of the corner of his eye. The next hand is played. Daphne loses again. A faint snickering noise can be heard from Loki's hand. She reaches behind her back to remove her bra. As the bra unsnaps, the lights go out.  
  
All the men but Fred: NOOOOO!!!!!  
  
(From Downstairs) Harold: Sorry everybody. I was playing my Xbox, down in my secret headquar...I mean the basement, and I think I blew a fuse.  
  
L: Ah shit. And I was so clo...did he just say Xbox?  
  
-Loki takes off running out of the room to Harold secret headquar...basement. Before he can reach the door, he runs into something with a CLUNK, and collapses to the floor. The lights come on with a bright spark and the sound of Red going "YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!". Loki is lying on the floor holding his eye.  
  
Sc: Roki?  
  
L: So firm. So smooth. Yet so pointy. Must be awfully cold in here.  
  
-Loki passes out.  
  
-The next morning, Loki is roused by Shaggy shaking him awake.  
  
L: What?  
  
Sh: It's morning.  
  
L: That would explain the sudden change in Gord and Velma's tempo. That's James Brown, isn't it?  
  
Velma: (From across the hall) I feel good!  
  
Sh: That's nothing. You should have heard them do the 1812 Overture. The part with the cannons was phenomenal. I would have thought Gord would be shooting blanks by now.  
  
L: How could you sleep through that? I had a concussion.  
  
Sh: Scoob and I slept in the Mystery Machine.  
  
Sc: Re rept rood.  
  
L: You son of a bitch.  
  
Sc: Rand? Ri RAM ra ron rof ra ritch.  
  
L: Oh yeah. So, do you want something?  
  
Sh: Just wanted to tell you it's 8:50. Stone will be here soon.  
  
L: Best news I've heard all day. How about you just shoot me in the kneecap and rub salt on it too?  
  
Sh: What's the thing you have with this Philo Stone guy? Why are you getting so wacked about him coming here?  
  
L: There's plenty of reasons for that. First of all, he's the epitome of squeaky-clean goodness. I'm a career criminal. If he ever figures that out, I'm in deep feces with him. Secondly, he's so damn smart, he sees through every scam I pull, and he's so righteous he won't even overlook it for cut of the profits. The worst thing is, for some reason, whenever he's around, my magic quits. I can't even pull a rabbit of a hat when he's around.  
  
Sh: Big fucking deal. You're the smartest guy I've ever known. How could being without your magic be such a problem?  
  
L: I've gotten accustomed to that. The biggest problem is that people keep thinking I'm him. You want to know my problem? When I get attacked by reporters looking for an interview or mobsters out for his head, I have a problem with that. When I get put into a lethal deathtrap meant for Stone, I have a problem with that. When I'm seduced by a Mata Hari style temptress who wants to prod literally for information, I...actually don't have a problem with that.  
  
D: Did you say Philo Stone? He's so dreamy!  
  
L: That's the other thing. Once he shows up, I'm living in his shadow. I don't even exist when he's on the scene.  
  
Red: (From downstairs) I hear a plane!  
  
Sh: ( Going to the window) Holy shit! That's a...  
  
L: 1932 Sopwith Camel with dual machine guns in mint flying condition.  
  
Sh: Yeah. Loki, does he know about Harold's weed?  
  
L: I don't know, but it's a safe bet. Great Tuatha De Dannan!  
  
Sc: Ruh?  
  
L: Never mind. Better get a strip of Red's duct tape to cover our asses. We're about to get fucked.  
  
SO PHILO STONE HAS FINALLY ARRIVED. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? WILL HAROLD'S OPERATION BE EXPOSED? OH DAMN, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT YET. YOUR EYELIDS ARE GETTING HEAAAAAAVY...YOU WILL FORGET EVERYTHING I SAI...SSSNNNNXXXXXX...AH! WHERE AM I? OH YEAH! SO WILL THE PHLATULENT PHANTOM RETURN SOON? AND HOW DID RED SURVIVE AN ELECTRICAL SHOCK OF THAT MAGITUDE? WHAT WAS IN THAT MALT FRED GAVE DAPHNE? WHAT MUSICAL SCORE WILL VELMA AND GORD EMULATE NEXT? AND JUST WHO WAS THE BETTER CAPTAIN? KIRK OR PICARD? ANYONE THAT SAYS SISQO OR JANEWAY WILL BE EXECUTED.  
  
ALSO CHECK OUT REDGREEN.COM FOR ANY THAT ARE CONFUSED ABOUT THIS SETTING 


	5. Philo Stone

(Section 5)  
  
-Everyone in the lodge, sleepy eyed and groggy, lumbers out to the airstrip to see the famed Philo Stone. While everyone is transfixed on the incoming plane, Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby have sneaked down to the edge of the swamp. Loki holds a lit cigarette in the palm of his hand-  
  
Sc: Rhat rare rou roing rith ry rigarrette?  
  
L: If Stone is coming, he most likely knows about the weed. We have to find it before he does and hide it until he goes. Now, SEEK.  
  
-The cigarette levitates above Loki's palm, and points toward the west end of the lake-  
  
Sh: All right! Let's go get it!  
  
L: Hold on.  
  
-The cigarette begins to move eastward.  
  
L: It's moving!  
  
-The cigarette begins to spin around rapidly and snuff out-  
  
L: What could have caused that? That's a lot of disturbance.  
  
Sh: Say, is that a plane overhead?  
  
-The plane is coming closer.closer.closer.it's right over them.It's going over.past them.gone-  
  
L: Wha?  
  
Red: He's heading toward the power plant!  
  
L: Power Plant?  
  
Red: He's coming back!  
  
L: AH FUCK!  
  
Red: No wait! He's passing over again! I don't think he saw the strip!  
  
L: Keep going, Stone! You don't see the strip! Damn you, Force! Cloud his mind!  
  
-Just as Stone's plane is about to pass by again, a second plane, a small two-seater bi-wing, comes from nowhere. It is zooming straight at Stone's plane.  
  
Red: Buzz! NO!  
  
L: Don't do that! Not the tail! Aim for the cockpit!  
  
-Buzz's plane smashes in Stone's, ripping his tail section off. Stone starts careening to the ground, and Buzz crashes into a tree. A blond figure can be barely seen wrenching on the controls.  
  
Dalton: He's gonna crash!  
  
Mike: He's gonna die!  
  
L: Nah, knowing that bastard Stone he'll probably fly that plane sideways between that clump of trees right in front of the airstrip, bob under those power lines, and come to a perfect landing missing every one of those 29 potholes on that 200 foot dirt strip, and.Say everybody! I'll give twenty to one odds that Stone makes a perfect three-point landing without disturbing even the dust.  
  
Da: I'll take that!  
  
M: Me too!  
  
R: And me!  
  
-Everyone in the Lodge has bet against Stone, save for Shaggy and Scooby, who are collecting the money amongst the crowd. Within a minute, Loki has collected 3000 dollars-  
  
L: Now everybody, let's see how this goes down! With me winning of course.  
  
-Stone's plane turns sideways, narrowly squeezing through the small gap between the trees, twists back upright just in time to under the power lines over the strip, and taxis over the dirt, missing every pothole, and comes to a halt an inch and a half from the Lodge-  
  
L: Who'd have thought he could be so useful.  
  
-Everyone is staring gawk-eyed at what has just happened. Loki quickly stuffs Shaggy and Scooby's too large share of the take to them and shoves the rest in his pocket. A blond head covered with World War I aviator goggles pops up from the cockpit. A massive body wrapped in a bomber jacket and parachute pants springs lithely from the tiny pit, and in a display of expert gymnastic precision, twists upside down and is held suspended by the powerful arms holding it aloft from the sides of the cockpit. Stone dips down deeply, and ejects himself skyward with a fantastic thrust into the air. He tucks and performs a triple twisting backflip before landing solidly in his feet. His strong posture and rather silly costume would make anyone else save Robert Redford look gay, but on him it works very well in all his Aryan glory-  
  
Sh: Fantastic. Adolf Hitler's wet dream.  
  
He takes in his surroundings, lingering for a moment on the huge satellite dish that seems to have appeared on the Mystery Machine-  
  
-Inside the Mystery Machine, Fred is seated in the back in front of a console with multiple television screens. Several are running footage he has collected with his camcorder. Others are showing rooms inside Possum Lodge-  
  
F: Ahh, excellent. Now that I have pirated the signal from Red's cameras, I have full view of everything that happens in the Lodge! And this satellite link-up will transmit my footage to any recipient anywhere in the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! My art shall finally get the respect and appreciation it deserves!  
  
D: (Still in LaLa Land in the front seat) Mr. Pixie, can you see into the future, too?  
  
F: I wonder how much I can get for her on the white slave trade. Maybe Sheik Mozambique still has an opening.  
  
D: Look, it's the Sasquatch!  
  
F: Daphne, there's no such thing as a Sasqua...(A hairy figure runs past the van into the woods)...I'll be damned. I'll get that on film later. First, I need to call the Shiek.  
  
PUTT PUTT PUTT BRAP FFFT PUTT PUTT PUTT BRAP FFFT  
  
F: What is that noise? I can't create with all these distractions!  
  
-Behind the van, in the swamp, a small barge carrying a half ton of marijuana is passing by. It's motor is running very rough and choppy, making farting noises-  
  
PUTT PUTT PUTT BRAP FFFT PUTT PUTT PUTT BRAP FFFT  
  
-The Phlatulent Phantom, in its emaciated skeletal form and noxious green glow, is piloting the barge to a new location. The Phantom is wearing red and green suspenders-  
  
-Back on the airstrip, the sound of Stone's engine winding down drowns the out of the sound of the passing barge-  
  
Stone: So who here is Red Green?  
  
R: That would be me.  
  
S: Pleasure to meet you, sir. I've heard a lot about your show.  
  
R: Good things I suspect.  
  
S: ...Yup, heard a lot.  
  
R: So what are you doing here Mr. Stone? Business or pleasure?  
  
S: Business, actually. I've gotten word of some fraudulent activities occurring throughout Succotash County, and I've managed to narrow most of the activities to this place as a source. Would you mind if we spoke privately, Mr. Green?  
  
R: I suppose so, but it'll have to be when I'm not busy filming my show.  
  
S: Of course. At your earliest convenience. I wouldn't want to disrupt an entire film crew on...the...job...Say, I don't see anything set up for a film shoot.  
  
R: This is a special setup. I have cameras strategically placed throughout the grounds. I collect an improvised, artistically liberal, completely natural and free-flowing menagerie of zaniness.  
  
S: Then it's kind of like "Big Brother", in which a group of socially rejected and otherwise useless layabouts make whores of themselves to the camera, and waive all personal rights to privacy, and engage in brutal internal conflicts for the hollow and obviously transparent entertainment value of a spiritually dead audience that clings desperately to their hometown roots to commence in equally vicious and ultimately pointless battles with others who would otherwise have no reason to quarrel.  
  
R: Ummm...essentially right, except for the audience fighting over us.  
  
L: Except for disagreeing on what channel to watch other than you!  
  
S: I know that voice! Who is that?  
  
-Harold comes running around the corner of the Lodge. He dripping wet and smelling like a swamp, and is wearing a knee-high galosh on one leg. He runs right up to Stone and pumps his hand vigorously-  
  
H: How do you do, Mr. Philo Stone. Harold Green. The gawky, over eager, and overly sensitive voice of sanity, moderation, and political correctness of Possum Lodge. And the most innocent person you'll find within miles.  
  
BEEP BEEP  
  
-A UPS truck has pulled into the Lodge parking gravel space. The driver sticks his head out the window-  
  
Driver: Hey Yo! I've got a dual pick-up and delivery for a Harold Green! Drop-off from Faceless Minion Henchman Attire and a pick-up for land mines and anti-aircraft guns for the Guerilla Militia of Taiwan!  
  
H: (Completely stunned) Ummmm...uh...Go around the back, you fool! Away from all the witnesses! BWAHAHEEHOHE..cough cough...I still can't do it! Please excuse me, Mr. Stone. I have some...completely non-criminal things to do.  
  
-Harold runs off and trips on his galosh-  
  
L: Harold! You could run better if you took off that suspiciously familiar and urine stained knee-high galosh!  
  
S: Loki! I thought I recognized your voice!  
  
L: Ah shit.  
  
S: How are you? I didn't expect to see you here.  
  
L: Oh, nothing special. I'm just here to partake on Harold's excellent hash...browns. Yes, hash browns. He's a very good cook. What brings you here to extremely backwater area of Earth?  
  
S: I've received word that there has been highly suspicious activity coming from this county. There have been numerous accounts of insurance fraud for one, and recently there has been a great of weapons trafficking coming from around here. Technically, the show that gets made here should be considered a crime, but that's for the censors to decide.  
  
L: What led you here?  
  
S: I was flying over the County area, seeing if I could find any leads. When I passed over the swamp, I saw a nuclear power plant set up on the north side. The location was odd enough, but the power lines coming from it led only to this lodge.  
  
L: Only here, ay?  
  
S: Yes. In fact, they led to an outhouse situated behind the lodge. I suspect it's an entrance to a secret base. Then, when I came in to land, some nutjob came out of nowhere and tore off my tail.  
  
L: Hmm. That would explain why the outhouse has up and down elevator buttons. I thought someone was playing a cruel joke. So you haven't heard anything about the drugs?  
  
S: No. What drugs?  
  
L: Rugs. As in floor mats. I've seen some of the merchandise that gets made by these people. It's horribly atrocious.  
  
S: Can't be worse than what comes out of those sweat shops I've busted. Anyhow I need to get down to busi...Mr. Norville Rogers! It's an absolute honor to meet you! Loki, I never knew you had celebrity contacts!  
  
L: Huh?  
  
Sh: What?  
  
S: I've been an admirer of you for some time, Mr. Rogers. Perhaps if you can find the time, we can chat and discuss your exploits over coffee. I'll buy, of course. I'd love to hear your take on your escapades. And this must be the famous Scoobert! How are you, you big puppy?  
  
-Stone scratches Scooby behind the ear. Scooby's eyes start to flutter like he's about to orgasm-  
  
S: What's this? Looks like I have a Scooby snack for you!  
  
-Stone produces a Scooby Snack from his jacket pocket. Scooby eats it and shoots into the air like a rocket, and floats back down to earth-  
  
Sc: Ri rove rou, Rister Rone.  
  
S: That really is amazing. That's the best ventriloquism work I've ever seen. I never saw your lips move, Mr.Rogers.  
  
-Stone starts toward the Lodge with Red-  
  
L: There! You see what I mean? That is the most sickening display of false flattery I've ever seen! It disgusts even me!  
  
Sh: Loki, I was fully prepared to hate that Stone, but I can't help but like him.  
  
Sc: RIKE rim?  
  
L: What the dog said. LIKE him?  
  
Sc: Ri ROVE rim!  
  
L: OH NO!!! Not again!  
  
-From behind the lodge, a yelling nasal voice can be heard-  
  
H: Roman Centurion Costumes? What is this? The Guide to Successful Super Villainy specifically states to never clothe one's minions in overly elaborate and completely outdated fashions that are obviously ripped off from historically inaccurate films! ESCPECIALLY when said costume is a mini- skirt on a man!  
  
L: Someone bought my book!  
  
-Before Stone can get inside the Lodge, Fred comes running toward him, dragging the nearly comatose Daphne in hand-  
  
F: Mr. Stone! Mr. Stone!  
  
S: Yes?  
  
F: Fred Jones. Film producer and director extrordinare. Been following your adventures for a good while. Could I possibly interest you in making an appearance on camera for posterity?  
  
S: If you really knew about me, Mr. Jones, you'd know I decline appearances on public mediums. I don't like exposure.  
  
F: Are you suuuuure?  
  
-Fred shoves Daphne into Stone's arms. He looks at her with the eye of a professional medical examiner-  
  
S: What's wrong with her? This is Daphne Blake, isn't it? Have some gum, Ms. Blake.  
  
-Stone produces a stick of gum, and moves Daphne's jaw in a chewing motion. Within seconds, Daphne is back on her feet, fully coherent and really pissed off-  
  
D: What the hell just happe...Philo Stone!  
  
-She faints in his arms-  
  
S: I'll need to give her two pieces next time.  
  
F: Mr. Stone? If you're not interested in air time, perhaps you could just give me your autograph.  
  
S: I suppose that would be all right.  
  
F: Just sign on the dotted line.  
  
S: Wait, what is this? This is a model release contract. Mr. Jones, I would strongly suggest you don't attempt to con me. I've seen your tactics on your show. That "Let's go gang" business is not going to work on me. In case you need a reminder, allow me to inform you of my associates.  
  
-Stone gives Fred a business card-  
  
F: Howie, Screwem, and Howel. GULP  
  
-Fred begins to back away, and slips in the mud facefirst-  
  
S: Oh dear, let me help you, Mr. Jones.  
  
F: Thanks, Mr. Stone.  
  
L: Whoah. Stone doesn't like Fred. Maybe he really is perfect.  
  
AHA! SO PHILO STONE HAS ARRIVED, AND THE PHLATULENT PHANTOM HAS MADE ANOTHER APPEARANCE! WHAT ADVENTURE WILL ENSUE NOW? AND JUST WHAT IS IN THAT GUM THAT STONE GAVE TO DAPHNE? WILL RED FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AT THE LODGE? AND WILL RHETT EVER COME BACK TO SCARLET? IF YOU WISH TO KNOW, TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT, AND READ THE SEQUEL TO GONE WITH THE WIND! 


	6. Lights! Camera! HUH?

(Section 6)  
  
-The front lobby of Possum Lodge. Red and Harold are setting up to shoot the Red Green Show. Red is reviewing the segments that he will be shooting in this episode. Harold is adjusting cameras, checking angles and lighting, and clearing the shooting area. On the other side of the lobby, Fred is doing precisely the same thing. He is moving cameras and posing in front of them in dramatic posture. He also keeps changing the light level to a darker tone. Harold brightens the lights again. Fred darkens the lights, and Harold brightens them. Fred and Harold glare menacingly at each other, and charge each other like they were on Jerry Springer. Right before they collide, they stop suddenly and begin to slap each other like limp-wristed girls. This display continues on for several minutes. Loki glances over at Stone, who responds with a look that plainly says, "I'm not touching this." Ten seconds later, both Fred and Harold collapse to the floor exhausted. -  
  
S: All right, gentlemen. That's enough. It seems there is a conflict of interest here. Can some sort of compromise be found?  
  
F: (Leaping to his feet) Yes! I'll go first! (He races over to the lights, darkens them, leaps in front of Red and inflates his chest in a powerful dramatic pose) So, Mister Green! I've heard that you have a ghost around this haunted abandoned lodge! The Phlantibulous Phantom! Oh fiddlesticks! I flubbed the line! Everybody back to places! We're going to reshoot! Take two!  
  
-No one moves. They are all staring at Fred in confusion-  
  
R: Um………Fred, did you mean the Phlatulent Phantom?  
  
F: Of course.  
  
R: Uh huh. The Phantom hasn't been around here in years. It was me. It involved a late-night trip to the outhouse, a badly timed cigarette, and a heavy Mexican dinner. I've sworn off smoking since.  
  
H: Yes, the Northern Lights were something special that year.  
  
R: As luck would have it, some real estate contractors were coming the next morning to attempt to swindle us out of the swamp land. When I came lurching out that outhouse, I was glowing with radiation, and all the oxygen around me was igniting. Made a pretty nasty display, and they bolted and never came back.  
  
L: That all sounds like a heap of fun, and………did you say someone actually wanted to buy this land?  
  
F: Yes indeed! It's all right here in this newspaper clipping from 1998! "Phlatulent Phantom foils developing plot!" I………(crumples clipping and puts it back in his pocket) have no idea what you're talking about.  
  
S: I knew it.  
  
R: Fred, if you want a job on the show, Harold's already running things.  
  
F: I wouldn't want executive producer on this third-rate shoddy excuse for public access!  
  
H: But wait! There have been recent sightings of the Phlatulent Phantom around the Lodge! I have three witnesses who have seen the monstrous figure who Uncle Red himself has admitted to being! (Clearing his throat to prepare for a compelling oratory) The creature came upon me as I was innocently and completely unobtrusively sitting by the swamp consuming the picnic lunch I had prepared for an enchanting afternoon at Possum Swamp. Before I was able to begin my highly nutritious and still delightfully flavored tuna fish and honey mustard sandwich, I heard the approaching sounds of flatulence behind me. When I turned to view what happy and curious form of wildlife could be making such a ruckus, I saw a horrible skeletal creature that glowed yellow with a sickening vibrance, and it growled at me with a gravely tone that could be managed by only one person in this immediate area! But that was not the only accosting that occurred that day! Arnie Doson! What did you see?  
  
-Arnie says nothing-  
  
H: Arnie?  
  
-Nothing-  
  
H: We're on page three.  
  
A: OH!  
  
-He pulls a script from his back pocket and begins to read-  
  
A: The………f………f………what's that word?  
  
H: Phlatulent.  
  
A: Flabbufent Phantom was l………what's that?  
  
H: Lurking.  
  
A: Lumping around the lodge were I was working on the shingles at high noon. It c………  
  
H: Climbed.  
  
A: Clawed up on to the roof behind me, and pushed me off! It was t………t………  
  
H: Then.  
  
A: Thempt that I saw that it had a grey beard. How was that, Fearless Warlord?  
  
H: Don't call me that in public!  
  
R: I find that accusation to be a complete load of horse shit!  
  
H: Do you deny your involvement in Arnie's injuries, Uncle Red?  
  
R: No, I deny that Arnie needs help to fall off a roof!  
  
H: Curses! I mean, um, let's move on. Winston Rothschild III! What was your harrowing experience?  
  
W: Just when the sun had reached the top of the sky, I was driving up the road to the lodge with a full load of sewage in the kiddie pool in the back of my car. I had nearly reached the lodge when the Phantom leapt out in front of me. I had no choose to swerve to avoid him, and nearly hit a tree. Lord knows I wasn't about to hit the brakes. It wad thum da E hitteif………(Puts on a pair of glasses) Fearless Warlord, I can't read the que card. Bring it closer.  
  
-Everyone looks over at Harold, who is holding giant que cards-  
  
H: And lastly, we have Edgar Montrose!  
  
E: Hi everybody.  
  
H: Now, Edgar. Just tell everyone what happened to you while keeping your eyes on the teleprompter, I mean the TV set behind me!  
  
E: So right at Noon I was laying some dynamite down in the quarry. You ever notice that there's never enough powder in a stick of dynamite? Even if you want to blast out a gopher, it always ten or twenty sticks to get the desired effect. You know if Caddyshack, when the groundskeeper stuck the dynamite down the hole to get that gopher, he'd never get that big a boom. Why when I need to………  
  
H: Edgar!  
  
E: What?  
  
H: The script…………please.  
  
E: Oh yeah. So, I'm down in the quarry, laying the charges, and there's this one rock that won't budge. That's so common. There's always that one that won't go. So you think you've brought enough charges for the whole place, but you end up using half your sticks on one rock. That's when you break out the napalm you had stored up since 'Nam……….  
  
L: Hmmm………an explosives guy. Maybe we should do business. (He looks down at how many fingers Edgar has) Maybe not.  
  
E: Oh, Fearless Warlord, can I be excused from the Brotherhood of Evil's dubious activities for the afternoon? My wife and kid want to see Dances with Wolves again. They love that Native. He should have won the Oscar.  
  
H: Edgar. It's not the Brotherhood of Evil. It's the Brotherhood of Eeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiil!!!  
  
E: Right. So can I go?  
  
H: Yes.  
  
S: So, Harold?  
  
H: Yes, Mr. Stone?  
  
S: When did all these things occur?  
  
H: Yesterday.  
  
S: And everything at noon, in different places.  
  
-Stone produces a pair of handcuffs-  
  
S: This has gone on long enough.  
  
L: Wait! No!  
  
S: What?  
  
L: Ummm………  
  
Sh: Mr. Stone! If you arrest them now, you'll only have them on a couple of minor charges. They may plea bargain themselves out of this. If you wait, they will expose more of their operation. More charges will mean a greater chance of conviction.  
  
S: Why, You're right, Mr. Rogers. That's brilliant. I apologize. I was far too hasty. I defer to your greater experience. I'm going to speak with Mr. Green and see if I can arrange a formal investigation of the property. The man who showed me everything I know would never have been so rash.  
  
-As Stone leaves, Loki and grinning at Shaggy-  
  
L: Shag! That was brilliant! I knew if he arrested Harold now, we'd never find the weed, but I couldn't think of any excuses! I could never have thought of something that good!  
  
Sh: Actually, I wasn't thinking about the weed. I was concerned with doing the right thing.  
  
-POW! Loki slaps him-  
  
L: What is wrong with you?!  
  
Sh: I don't know. Whenever he's around, the air seems to clear, and birds start to sing, and all I can think about baseball, apple pie, and Chevrolet. He just epitomizes the American Way!  
  
-POW! Loki slaps him again-  
  
L: First thing, Shag, we're in Canada. Secondly, I'm not American, and neither is me. He's British, for Dagdha's sake! Why do you think he's sounds like Anthony Hopkins when he talks? One time, we had dinner, and he served liver with farfer beans and nice Chianti! I didn't sleep for weeks after that!  
  
Sc: Ret's go ray rith Rister Rone!  
  
L: That's not a bad idea. You two should stay on Stone's tail, and make sure that he doesn't stumble onto anything too soon. Speaking of that, I'm deeply disturbed.  
  
Sh: What about?  
  
L: That Stone had a mentor. Someone actually TAUGHT him to be that way? I have to find this guy and hurt him. A lot. In the meantime, stay on Stone.  
  
Sh: Will do.  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby join Stone with Red at the bar. Daphne slinks into the lobby from wherever she was. She notices Loki in the corner. A fiery passion blazes in her eyes, and she goes to join him-  
  
D: Hey there, sexy.  
  
L: Huh? DAPHNE?  
  
D: Yeah, it's me. How you doin'?  
  
L: I'm just fine. Shouldn't you be fawning over Stone?  
  
S: You know, Loki. You two do look an awful lot alike. I could mistake you for him quite easily.  
  
L: Really?  
  
D: Except that you're a brunette, and he's blonde.  
  
L: Yeah.  
  
D: And he's a little taller than you.  
  
L: That's true.  
  
D: And a little broader in the shoulders.  
  
L: Uh huh………  
  
D: And he's much better looking than you.  
  
L: WHAT! How can he look just like me when he's better looking then me?  
  
D: I don't know. He just does. But I don't care right now I want you.  
  
L: Daphne, I've never seen you like this. Please don't stop.  
  
D: I won't.  
  
-She begins to trace her fingernail across Loki's bottom lip, along his jawline, along his ear.  
  
L: guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.  
  
-Her hands are moving over his face, into his hair. Loki's knees are weakening-  
  
D: You know what I'm doing to do next?  
  
L: huh?  
  
D: Just what I thought you and Velma were going to do years ago. The way you two always were cutting each other down, I thought you'd either end up at each other's throats, or in the sack together.  
  
L: As much as I liked sparring with Velma, the Pillsbury Dough Girl never appealed to me.  
  
D: You haven't seen her after years of continuous running.  
  
L: What?  
  
F: Daphne! There you are! I need you for this next shot!  
  
D: Fuck off, Fred, I'm busy.  
  
F: UH!  
  
-He storms off in a huff-  
  
D: I hate him. He's ruined me every chance I get to do something with my talent.  
  
L: Talent?  
  
D: My acting talent. I've auditioned for Survivor, Big Brother, Real World, even Another World. Every time, I get turned down. I know he's got something to do with it.  
  
F: Daphne!  
  
D: What now?  
  
F: I have something.  
  
D: Can't you ever fuck off?  
  
-Fred is holding a malt-  
  
D: You son of a bitch.  
  
-Daphne downs the malt in a single gulp, and like a starving child with an ice cream cone, licks and sucks the straw dry. Loki is watching captivated-  
  
D: ohhh………Hi Martian Man!  
  
F: Come along, Daphne.  
  
L: I thought you'd come up with every way possible to piss me off, Fred. You've dug yourself even lower now. I'm almost impressed.  
  
-Fred runs off with the limp mumbling Daphne in tow. Loki bends down and picks up the malt glass. He traces his finger along the edge, and collects a fine powder. He tastes it-  
  
L: Prozac.  
  
- Fred and Daphne run past Harold, who is pouting on a barstool-  
  
Da: Fearless Warlord?  
  
H: Don't call me that, Dalton! I want to be called the Crimson Mastermind!  
  
Da: Okay, Fearless Crimson Mastermind. I was supposed to report any new developments.  
  
H: And?  
  
Da: The betting pool is taking off very well.  
  
H: Ah yes, the footage of Gord and Velma being sold on the Internet. What is the status?  
  
Da: We're getting 500 hits an hour.  
  
H: That's all?  
  
Da: We are charging ten dollars a minute.  
  
H: True. How is the pool?  
  
Da: We made a bet of who will break first. 60% say Gord, 30% say Velma, and 9% sat the bed.  
  
H: What about the remaining 1%?  
  
Da: The floor.  
  
H: Excellent.  
  
F: Velma? Where is Velma?  
  
H: What do need Velma for?  
  
F: I must have her to complete the group. I need a non-attractive brainy abrasive person to make intellectual comments and make my cunning and witty demeanor seem that much more likable by comparison.  
  
L: I don't remember Anne Robinson ever going on adventures with us!  
  
H: Oh shit! If Fred takes Velma away from Gord, my money-making scheme is over! Fred!  
  
F: What?  
  
H: Are you sure you really need Velma for your show?  
  
F: Of course I do!  
  
H: If you need an intelligent, perceptive person to add scholastic flair, I'm available!  
  
F: No, I just don't think it would be the same.  
  
H: Do REALLY need Velma that badly?  
  
F: I suppose I could say all the intellectual lines myself. But I must have Velma for the long shots!  
  
H: Then you don't really need her? Just someone that resembles her?  
  
F: I suppose so, but I won't start until I get my Velma!  
  
H: If he doesn't start shooting, he'll be in my way at every turn! I have to get him to start right now! Ug, the things I do for EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!  
  
-Harold runs upstairs-  
  
R: So, Mr. Stone, are you sure you don't want to be on my show?  
  
S: Really, Mr. Green, I have other things I have to do.  
  
L: Stone, you really should do the show.  
  
S: Why's that, Loki?  
  
L: Harold's the director, and the producer. He'll be at every scene, every step of the way. You could keep a close on him that way.  
  
S: That's a good idea. Great thinking, Loki.  
  
L: Anytime.  
  
Sc: Rhat rare ro roing?  
  
L: If Stone is held up on shooting, he won't be able to get in our way while we find the weed.  
  
F: Stone's doing Red's show? Why not mine?  
  
S: I've seen your show, Mr. Jones.  
  
Sh: I still don't get this. Fred was always filming wherever we went. I don't know what for.  
  
L: It was like he the love child of Cecil B. De Mille and Stephen Spielberg. He always had a camera in our faces. Except the time I played proctologist with it. He couldn't run very well for a while after that.  
  
-Harold stumbles in through the back door . He is wearing Velma's clothes-  
  
Da: Crimson Mastermind! What are you doing?  
  
H: I went into Gord and Velma's room to steal Velma's clothes. Before I could get them, she threw me through the window like a shot put. I went through the window of the Mystery Machine, and found myself laying on a pile of clothes. There were fifty identical outfits of everyone's clothing. I just took a Velma suit and came back.  
  
Da: What now, Crimson Mastermind?  
  
H: Plant the red herrings, I mean clues, Dalton. It's time to film.  
  
SO NOW IT TRULY BEGINS. FRED AND RED AND A GUY NAMED TED………OKAY THAT'S GETTING SILLY. THE RED GREEN SHOW IS BEGINNING AND FRED'S MYSTERIOUS SHOW WILL NOW START. WHAT HIJINKS COULD ARISE FROM THIS ZANY PREDICAMENT? WILL LOKI FIND THE HASH? WILL STONE FIND THAT HE ACTUALLY LIKES THE LIMELIGHT? WILL HAROLD GET A LITTLE TOO COMFORTABLE IN THAT SKIRT? AND JUST WHAT IS JUNCTERISTIPHOBIA ANAYWAY? FIND OUT IN OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT, SAME SCOOBY- TIME, SAME SCOOBY-CHANNEL. AND READ A DICTIONARY! 


	7. Let's Go, Gang!

(Section 7)  
  
-All is silent at the Lodge. The only thing moving is the rustling of the tumbleweeds drifting by the soggy Canadian swampland. The swivel doors of a tavern, which suspiciously were not there a moment ago, swing open with a piercing SQUEEEEEK. All eyes dart the doors. A man draped in shadow slinks to the bar ands sinks into a stool. The powerful gleam of his eyes is complemented by his salt-and-pepper hair and bushy moustache. Everyone draws back from him as he turns his eye toward the crowd. He scans his audience and rasps in a soft gravelly tone-  
  
Stranger: Which one of you is Fred Jones?  
  
-Fred tries to run away, but is pushed forward by the Lodgers-  
  
F: Uhm…I am.  
  
Stranger: Hi! I'm Dabney Coleman. I was sent by Has-been Celebrities Incorporated to be the Celebrity Guest Star on your show.  
  
F: Dabney Coleman? I asked for GARY Coleman! He was the most popular Guest Star I ever had!  
  
Dab: Are you kidding? He exposed every loophole in your plotline, and got turned into a zombie for no apparent reason!  
  
F: Precisely why he was so popular! I'm sorry Mr. Coleman, but I will only accept my specific order.  
  
Dab: Fantastic. I thought I'd hit rock bottom when I lost the role of the Professor on Gilligan's Island. Now I'm losing out to a washed-up child star that still looks like one!  
  
-He storms out of the bar-  
  
F: Now that that's out of the way, we can begin. Even if I've lost Gary Coleman, I can still get Philo Stone. I just have to be discreet. Mr. Stone! Could you move to your left? You're not completely in the camera angle.  
  
S: Mr. Jones…  
  
H: Everyone ready to shoot? It's time to start. Everyone to places!  
  
R: Harold? Why is Fred adjusting our cameras?  
  
H: I made an agreement with him. First we shoot our show, then he films his. This way, he won't be in our way.  
  
R: All right. Anything to keep that fruitcake out of our hair. Has he said anything about what he's doing?  
  
H: No. He said that his artistic integrity would be compromised if he revealed anything.  
  
Sh: That's bullshit. Fred knows nothing about art.  
  
L: And he doesn't even know the meaning of the word integrity.  
  
-POW! Shaggy slaps Loki-  
  
L: Thank you, Shaggy. Stone's starting to wear off on me too. Oh, by the way. Harold, I have something for you.  
  
H: Grapefruits? That's the best you could do?  
  
L: It was either that or the water balloons.  
  
H: Loki, you're enjoying my predicament for too much for your continued safety. Doish Flaven! Move yourselves, incompetent fools! Set up the master shot!  
  
L: Again with the German.  
  
-The scene is ready-  
  
H: Hi everybody! Welcome to the Red Green Show! I'm Harold Green, and please don't pay attention to what I'm wearing. Now give a big Possum Lodge welcome to my uncle, Red Green!  
  
R: Hi everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Red Green show. In case you haven't noticed, Harold is out of his usual attire. He assures me that it's purely for entertainment purposes, but I suspected this was coming for quite a while. So I'm not all that shocked. So, the agenda at the Lodge today is…frame Red as the mastermind behind a global criminal organization and achieve worldwide economic dominance. Harold, what is this?  
  
H: The writers came up short this week. We had to devise a fictional side story to hold the show together.  
  
R: Uh huh. Anyway, allow me to introduce a very special guest star. We've never had anyone of this magnitude up at the Lodge. I find it hard to believe it myself. Ladies and Gentlemen, PHILO STONE!  
  
-Stone enters the set, to the crazed applause of a crowd of people that weren't there a second ago. Loki is right behind him-  
  
R: And also this other guy…um…Scooby-Doo!  
  
L: Red, that's the dog. I'm Loki.  
  
R: Oh yeah. Say Loki, how can Stone be standing halfway across the room at high noon with no lights on in the lodge, and you're still standing in his shadow?  
  
L: It's just something I've grown accustomed to.  
  
H: Uncle Red!  
  
R: What, Harold?  
  
H: The scavenger hunt.  
  
R: Right. This week at Possum Lodge, Harold has arranged for us all to go on a scavenger hunt, with Philo Stone and Loki joining us. I have a list right here of the stuff we need to get. Swamp moss from the far side of Possum Swamp…a stick of lighted dynamite…Red Green's credit card records…Harold, what kind of list is this?  
  
H: One that will prove a challenge and provide entertainment to our viewers.  
  
S: Also one that will lead to a secluded place where no one will find us, armed with evidence that might incriminate Red and ourselves and an explosive implement that will ultimately kill us.  
  
H: And?  
  
-Stone goes for the cuffs again. Loki stops him-  
  
F: And CUT!  
  
H: Only I say cut, Liberachi! You get your turn when I'm finished.  
  
R: We are finished, Harold.  
  
H: Oh. Fine then. Fred, go on and make your smut.  
  
F: Fabulous. Everyone outside! We're off to the amusement park!  
  
L: I still don't get.  
  
Sc: Rhat?  
  
L: What is he filming?  
  
Sh: I don't know.  
  
H: Mr. Stone? We're getting ready to shoot Adventures with Bill, but Bill fell of the roof of the Lodge in a freak tightrope walking accident. He's still in a coma. So we won't need you for about ten minutes. You can do what you like until then.  
  
S: All right then. What would you like to do, Loki?  
  
L: I'd like to check out Fred's set at the amusement park. I'm curious about what he's doing over there.  
  
S: Okay, let's go.  
  
-Over by the carousel, Fred is situating Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne in a straight line in front of the Lodge cameras. Shaggy looks at Fred quizzically-  
  
Sh: Fred, why do you always line up us all the time?  
  
F: After the first season, staggering everyone was too much work. This is easier.  
  
D: Look! It's Elvis!  
  
F: Daphne, Elvis is…(Fred sees a white jumpsuit and pompadour run into the woods) DAMN! First I miss Bigfoot, now the King! Whatever that bimbo sees next, I'm not letting get away! Now, Velma? VELMA!  
  
-Harold runs over to the set-  
  
H: Fred, I know that I'm playing Velma, but you don't need to call me that.  
  
F: Stop talking crazy, Velma. Now get in line so I can shoot.  
  
-Red, Loki, and Stone come over as well-  
  
R: So, how's it coming? Will you be long, Harold? We need you to get hit with a baseball in the Bill sketch.  
  
-SCREECH! The Lodge camera mounted on the tetherball pole is grinding and giving off smoke-  
  
S: Wow! That's a lot of smoke! What would cause that sort of disturbance? Almost as if it were…  
  
L: Trying to accommodate two signals.  
  
F: It's my turn to film! Everyone shut up! Places!  
  
-Fred pushes Harold into the shot, and shoos Red, Stone, and Loki out-  
  
F: Aaaaaand…ACTION!  
  
-Fred leaps in front of the Gang, looking like Superman with a curvature of the spine-  
  
F: We've got a mystery to solve! Come on gang! Let's look for clues!  
  
Sc: Rhis ris rucking rupid.  
  
D: La da da dee…  
  
H: Grumble grumble…  
  
Sh: Gonna fuckin' kill him…  
  
F: It's best to split up, everybody! Shaggy, Scooby, you go that way. Daphne, me, and Velma will go this way!  
  
Sh: Good.  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby go off behind the carousel and light up-  
  
F: There must be a clue somewhere around here!  
  
H: Fred, I think I see a clue over by the roller coaster.  
  
D: Look! A roller coaster!  
  
F: There's nothing over there, Velma. There must be a clue near that old outhouse!  
  
H: Can't you see that can of florescent paint next to the ticket booth?  
  
F: Nah, I'm going to the outhouse.  
  
H: What do you need? A sign in red paint saying, "Here is a clue?" (points behind Fred) Say, what is that?  
  
-Fred turns and sees nothing. When he turns back around, Harold is standing there breathless. A sign in red paint is now over the can of paint saying, "Hey stupid, here is a clue"-  
  
H: It says, "Hey stupid". It must mean you, Fred.  
  
-The cameras follow Fred, Daphne, and Harold to the roller coaster. Under the bright red letters is a can of florescent paint with a strip of paper attached to it-  
  
F: Look! A clue!  
  
H: Just read the paper, Fred.  
  
F: It's a credit card receipt. This will have to be analyzed. Velma, you'll need to run a check on this credit number, and see whose card this is for!  
  
H: Look at the signature, Fred.  
  
F: Why, it's signed in very well written letters by…Red Herring! I mean Red Green!  
  
H: Look under the receipt, Fred.  
  
F: It's a credit card! Red Green's credit card!  
  
R: How did my credit card get there?  
  
F: Velma, add this to the pile of clues! We need to find more?  
  
H: Fred, you have definite proof to accuse Red of being the Phantom. Why do you need more?  
  
F: The show needs to be longer!  
  
H: Oy vey!  
  
L: Harold's Jewish?  
  
D: Ohhhh…a roller coaster!  
  
S: Didn't she just say that? There's something wrong with Daphne. Every time I use my sterilizing gum, she ends up contaminated again.  
  
L: It's Prozac. I just found out. I had wondered how she could get so dumb so fast when she had a full ride to Harvard after high school.  
  
S: Fred?  
  
L: Yeah.  
  
R: What's that smell?  
  
S: I smell it, too.  
  
L: That's gunpowder.  
  
S: It's coming from over there. By the tetherball pole.  
  
-Loki and Stone find a small pile of shells-  
  
S: These look like ammo for a gatling gun.  
  
L: And they were spent a few hours ago.  
  
S: Someone was most likely testing the ability of the gun.  
  
L: Most likely.  
  
S: I'll take a few of these for evidence.  
  
-Back at the roller coaster-  
  
F: Que the ghost! It's time for the chase scene! Ghost? Where are you? It's your que! Get out here!  
  
H: SIGH…(pulls out a cell phone) Henchmen #5! Commence Plan C!  
  
-A few seconds later, Shaggy and Scooby, shrieking in high-pitched squeaks, and running frantically, come around from behind the carousel. They are being pursued by the Phlatulent Phantom, who is wearing overalls and a werewolf mask-  
  
S: Seems they need some better communication skills.  
  
L: That, or the costume rental shop ran out of zombie suits.  
  
-The Phantom runs after S and S, and collides with another Phantom, wearing a bed sheet with holes cut out-  
  
S: Two?  
  
-From behind Harold comes another Phantom, wearing a pillowcase on his head.  
  
L: Three?  
  
-Lastly, a Phantom wearing a pillowcase without eyeholes bumps into Stone and Loki. -  
  
Phan4: Excuse me, please.  
  
-Stone and Loki guide him toward the others and send him off-  
  
H: FOUR of you?  
  
Phan2: I'm sorry, Crimson Mastermind. We forgot who was Henchman #5!  
  
H: Never mind! Just get them! Bwahaheehahu…HACK…SPIT…I still can't get it!  
  
F: Ghosts! RUN!  
  
-A chase ensues. The Scooby Gang takes off behind the carousel, and the Phantoms follow. They begin running in circles around the carousel over and over-  
  
S: They that's how they run past the same scenery over and over again.  
  
-After ten more trips, the chase abruptly stops. Shaggy and Harold are carrying a limping Phantom wearing the werewolf mask-  
  
Sh: He fell and hurt himself.  
  
-The remaining two Phantoms who can see, still in chase mode, charge Stone and Loki. They glance at each other and clothesline the oncoming phantoms-  
  
L: Winston?  
  
Phan3: Yes?  
  
L: Where is Buzz?  
  
-Buzz, in his blind pillowcase, runs straight into a wall-  
  
S: I had better apply some first aid.  
  
-Fred is still running-  
  
F: We are not finished yet! The shot is not done until we have passed the same lamp and table thirty times!  
  
-While looking over at the group administering medical care to the injured Phantoms, Fred runs straight into the swamp-  
  
SPLOSH!  
  
-Stone, carrying the unconscious Buzz over his massive shoulder, heaves Fred out of the muck.  
  
F: Thanks, Mr. Stone.  
  
THE CASE IS DEEPENING! A CLUE HAS BEEN FOUND! AND THE PHANTOM(S) ARE ALREADY GETTING HURT! HOW LONG WILL HAROLD CONTINUE THIS? WHAT WILL THE GANG FIND NEXT? AND WHY IS SURVIVOR STILL ON THE AIR? I JUST DON'T GET IT. 


	8. Harold! You're EVIL!

(Section 8)  
  
-Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby have gone out back behind the lodge to have a bowl. When they go back there, they see Stone on top of a tall hill. He has one foot on a tree stump and one hand by his head in an unconscious dramatic posture. The rising sun is shining its morning light on him, showing only his silhouette to the awe-struck viewers below-  
  
L: That's just beautiful. After I thought that he couldn't find any other ways to make himself appear as the most perfect being on this planet, he finds a scene to pose in that would make Thomas Kincaid weep. That's one of those moments that begs to be captured on canvas. SHAGGY! Put that brush down!  
  
Sh: It just begged to be painted.  
  
L: Scooby. Put down the camera!  
  
Sc: Rorry.  
  
S: Loki…Mr. Rogers…Scoobert…what brings you three out here this morning?  
  
L: Up for morning calisthenics. What about you?  
  
S: I already did that. I ran around the county about seven times, did 2000 push-ups, and 5000 jump squats.  
  
L: That's great, I…  
  
S: Then I did a full aerial gymnastic routine through the trees in the swamp, taking care not to fall into that highly treacherous muck.  
  
L: Okay, what…  
  
S: After that, there was the sparring session with the silverback gorilla, and the tightrope walking with hordes of crazed peregrine falcons swooping at me.  
  
L: How did you find those?  
  
S: I had them flown in.  
  
L: Uh…I don't want to know. What were doing on that hill just now?  
  
S: I was attempting to contact two of my agents with my cell phone. There's a huge dead zone down here, and I was getting worried about them. They should both be here, but I haven't seen them.  
  
L: You have agents?  
  
S: Of course. Do you honestly expect that I can do everything myself? I am only human, after all.  
  
L: Uhhhhh…  
  
S: Oh Mr. Rogers, I've been meaning to ask you about something. I happen to own a kennel that is populated predominantly with Great Danes. Would it possible to secure Scoobert for stud rights?  
  
Sc: REAH!  
  
S: That was amazing, Mr. Rogers. I was almost certain that Scoobert talked just then. I always was impressed with that on your show. I have to go film some more of Red's show. Here's my card. Call me later when you make your decision.  
  
Sc: Row. Ri'm ronna re ra RIMP RADDY!  
  
L: Worry about your canine cock later, Scooby. Shit, he mentioned the show again. What show? Unless he means America's Most Wanted, I haven't any idea what he's referring to. Anyway, Shag, Scoob, Fred will find you guys to film again. When that happens, disappear and FIND THAT WEED.  
  
Sc: Right.  
  
-The Red Green has begun filming-  
  
Red's voice over: Today on Adventures with Bill, we have Philo Stone demonstrating some methods of physical fitness. Considering that this was Harold's idea, I expected tiddly-winks. But Harold suggested baseball, the American pastime.  
  
S: Loki, I've never played this. Is it anything like cricket?  
  
L: Yeah, just swing the bat laterally instead of up.  
  
S: Is it customary to have this…bat sawed through halfway with this?  
  
L: Just use this titanium one.  
  
S: This has FOR USE ON FRED written on it.  
  
L: Don't worry. I'll get to that.  
  
Red: Our set up today is Bill going to feed pitches to Stone via this pitching machine, and Stone's going to hit them in this extremely large batting cage. Bill also seems to have a blast shield set up next to the pitching machine.  
  
S: Isn't that an Mk 19 40-mm grenade launcher?  
  
L: Yup.  
  
S: I'm familiar with this model. It fires distance-timed grenades. That would explain the red flags surrounding the plate.  
  
Red: Okay, Bill's ready to start and…oh wait, he's bending down to tie his shoe. And Stone had just moved ten steps closer to the machine. He must be a plate hugger. Bill is ready, and the first pitch is off. Stone just cracked a beautiful hit right through the net.  
  
BOOM!  
  
Red: What was that? Must be Buzz again. Bill's off again, and he's shot a perfect shot right down the strike zone. Oh wait, Bill got a bit overzealous, and he fired off two pitches. Stone's completely unfazed. He just the first one and an amazing shot right back down the line of trajectory, and right back into the pitching machine. Stone nailed the other with expert timing right at Bill. Bill's caught it. He's looks happy.  
  
DOUBLE BOOM!!  
  
Red: Woah! The machine and Bill have just gone up in a fireball! The pitching machine's toast! But it looks like Bill's a bit singed, but he'll live. He always does. I still haven't figured that out.  
  
-The scene wraps, and Red and Winston carry the comatose Bill into the Lodge. Loki catches up with Harold as he is gathering the equipment. He stands for moment regarding Harold. He looks him up and down, taking in the oversized sweater, the far too short skirt, especially with Harold's legs, and the grapefruits that strategically placed in a manner only Picasso would find conceivable-  
  
L: So, Harold, are you abreast of the situation or just skirting the issue?  
  
H: You know, Loki, normally I would just take that comment and lock it inside me and let it fester like all the others, but not today. You may be one of my best customers, but I can hurt you, Loki, and I'm not afraid to.  
  
L: Oh no, what are you doing to do? Flash me?  
  
H: A possibility, but I have something far WORSE in mind. I could make certain…comparisons.  
  
L: No.  
  
H: You know, Loki, you and Stone look an awful lot alike.  
  
L: You wouldn't.  
  
H: Except that he's blonde and you're brunette.  
  
L: Eep.  
  
H: And he's a little taller.  
  
L: Stop.  
  
H: And little broader.  
  
L: Help…  
  
H: And MUCH BETTER LOOKING!  
  
-Loki is now bent over backwards so far his head is touching the ground-  
  
H: I did it! I created severe distress in another person! I am a super- villain! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GASP I got that laugh right! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm getting the hang of this!  
  
-Harold takes off, skipping a little girl-  
  
L: He's getting the hang of this. I had no comeback with him in a dress calling Philo Stone good looking. You could make it as a super-villain yet. I'm almost impressed.  
  
-Fred, camcorder in hand, has just found Harold-  
  
F: Velma! There you are! We need to shoot the scene were you lose your glasses and end up in a so-easy-to-avoid-its-ridiculous trap.  
  
H: I am Harold. Stop calling me Velma.  
  
F: Sorry, Harold. I get caught in the moment. Anyway, let's get going. I need to make you look like a fool so I can appear like a conquering hero in comparison.  
  
-Fred scampers off-  
  
H: He has just destroyed the first good moment I've ever had. A true super- villain would not allow this. What does the Guide to Successful Super- Villainy have on this? Index…I don't believe it. There's a section on meddling kids in here! Page 56…"The meddling kid is generally described as big, blond, and egotistically delusional. He will make every effort to make himself appear the hero by using the "Human shield factor". This means he will send his other group members into danger while he stays safely behind. To get to the meddling kid, you must infiltrate the group and separate him from the others. Disguising yourself as one of the group can do this quite easily. The meddling kid will not notice the difference even if you are a man wearing a skirt and a pair of grape fruits…" Wow, it's as if this guy knows me. "…Harold." Excellent. Fred is mine to torment as I wish! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I could get used to this.  
  
-Fred has everyone lining up over by the bingo hall, er, casino-  
  
F: Okay, gang! Let's split up!  
  
Sh and Sc: Cool.  
  
-S and S take off-  
  
F: Daphne, you and I will go………Daphne! Stand up!  
  
-Daphne, drugged to the point of near death, is laying on the ground drooling-  
  
F: Ah, fiddlesticks. Velma, we need to keep her up somehow.  
  
H: Grumble grumble………  
  
-Within minutes, Daphne has been tied to a pole-  
  
F: Everyone reset! Take two! Shaggy! Scooby! We're reshooting! Where are you?  
  
H: Ah, the human shield factor has been eliminated. He is mine!  
  
F: We'll take the scene from where we are. Velma! Daphne! We need to solve this mystery! Come on, gang! Let's go! Velma, untie Daphne and bring her along.  
  
-Harold unties Daphne, and she falls right through his arms. She starts to slide down his body, and Harold cannot hold back the lustful grin on his face. He hoists her up onto his shoulder and carries her off behind Fred-  
  
H: Fred! I'll bet there's a clue in the casino.  
  
F: I know! Let's check out that casino! There must be a clue in there!  
  
H: Excellent………  
  
-Inside the bingo hall, er, casino, the room is empty save for a few tables and chairs. Harold beelines straight for the back of the room, behind the podium with the microphone-  
  
H: Fred! There might be a secret passage over here!  
  
-Fred walks over boldly, camcorder in hand-  
  
F: Stand aside, Velma! I'll bet there's a secret passage around here!  
  
-Fred begins to feel all over the walls. When Fred is in the correct place, Harold pulls on the microphone. The wall slides open, and Fred falls through the open wall-  
  
F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh………THUD  
  
H: Did I forget to mention that the passage didn't have a staircase?  
  
F: AH! My spleen! Hey! I found a clue!  
  
H: Yes.  
  
F: It's a picture of Red Green in the Phlatulent Phantom suit!  
  
H: Yes indeed. Another well-placed red herring to incriminate Uncle Red, and………FUCK! I have to film Handyman Corner! I'm coming, Uncle Red!  
  
-Harold runs back to the lodge carrying Daphne-  
  
F: Hello? Velma? Where are you?  
  
-Handyman Corner-  
  
R: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm going to be doing some repair work to this authentic 1918 Sopwith Camel. Through a rather entertaining accident, the tail was torn off it, but I'm going to reattach it using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. First………oh, hello Mr. Stone. What's this? Mr. Stone has just handed me a business card. What do we have on it? Howie, Screwem, and Howel. GULP It's truly a frightening day when the stalwart scions of justice and honor use lawyers to get their point across. Especially when that weapon is the biggest law firm in the Northern Hemisphere. That's it for Handyman Corner today; tune in next time when I have as my guest the best damn public defender I can find.  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby are scouring through the lodge on their weed hunt. So far, nothing. Dalton Humphries meets them in a hallway-  
  
Sh: Hi, Dalton.  
  
D: Hello. Would either of you be Philo Stone?  
  
Sc: Rhy?  
  
D: I was given instructions that if you weren't Stone, I was supposed to chase you. If you weren't, I don't.  
  
Sh: I've had enough running today. Yeah, we're Stone.  
  
D: Both of you?  
  
Sc: Reah. Roth rof rus.  
  
D: Okay. What do I do if you're Stone? Let me see………oh yeah. BRAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
-Dalton has a chainsaw-  
  
Sh: FUCK!  
  
ZOOM!  
  
Sh: Say, Scoob, you want to do it again? For old times' sake?  
  
Sc: Rokay.  
  
-Dalton runs into the dining hall. Two podiums are sitting on the floor. Scooby looks like Anne Robinson, which is not much of a stretch. Shaggy guides Dalton to his podium-  
  
Sc: Relcome ro RHE REAKEST RINK! Rhere ri will rask restions rand rause rou romotional risress! Rart rhe rame!  
  
Sh: Your first question is………how many molecules are in Leonard Nimoy's butt?  
  
D: Ummmm………BANK!  
  
Sc: Rou ron't rave rany roney, rupid.  
  
D: Oh………Cheeseburger!  
  
-Shaggy zaps him with a cattle prod-  
  
D: What is this? Weakest Link or the Chamber?  
  
Sc: RILENCE!! Rou RARE rhe Reakest Rink! Rood-Rye!!  
  
D: What! I'll show what Canadians do to British bitches like you! BRAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
Sh: SHIT! I told you we should have done Jeopardy!  
  
Sc: Ralex Rebek! Rhat rould rave reen RORSE!!  
  
Sh: Just RUN!  
  
-They smash through a window and plummet toward the swamp-  
  
S and S: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
WUMP  
  
Sh: Holy shit! We found a clue!  
  
WHAT'S THIS? A CLUE? A REAL CLUE? IT CAN'T BE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? WILL FRED GET OUT OF THAT BASEMENT? DOES ANYONE REALLY WANT HIM TO? WHAT SUPER- VILLAINY WILL HAROLD THINK OF NEXT? AND DOES HE ACTUALLY LIKE VELMA'S CLOTHES? NEXT TIME, CAMPERS! NANANANANANANANANANANANA-LOKI!!!!!!! 


	9. What CAN'T this guy do?

(Section 9)  
  
-Loki is sitting on a stool in the bar, crying like a little baby. A mug of beer is in his hand, and seems to be more full of water than beer. The pounds and moans from upstairs have taken on a distinctly Gaelic tone. Every time the upstairs pair crescendos, Loki lets out a wail of sorrow. Mike Hammer behind the bar is wearing a heavy raincoat and thick galoshes, non-urine stained. He is feeding Loki more mugs from time to time. A puddle is spreading from under Loki's stool. Red comes in holding a mop-  
  
R: Loki, this is the fourth time I've had to mop up that puddle. What is wrong? And why do I keep thinking about Bing Crosby?  
  
L: It's Velma and Gord. They're doing "Danny Boy" up there. It's my super- weakness. I can't fight its haunting melody.  
  
R: How Irish can you get, Loki?  
  
L: How Irish do you want me to be?  
  
-Stone enters, looking very harried. He plops down at the bar-  
  
L: Hey, Mike. You'd better prepare a double sassperilla for our British friend.  
  
S: Actually, I like a Schlitz Light, please.  
  
L: Huh?  
  
R: What?  
  
S: I do drink on occasion. And especially when I've just one of the most harrowing experiences of my life.  
  
L: What?  
  
S: I just fought my way out of Harold's secret underground lair. I probably would never have found it, but Harold had the audacity to have the entrance leading from his bedroom closet. The sign reading, "Fred and Mr. Stone, that is not the entrance to my secret lair. Love and Signed, Harold" was a dead giveaway. Also the chanting of the Lodge members lead me right to them. They were going:  
  
"HAIL HYDRA  
  
IMMORTAL HYDRA  
  
WE SHALL NEVER BE DESTROYED  
  
CUT OFF ONE LIMB AND TWO MORE SHALL TAKE Its PLACE"  
  
R: I was wondering why Harold was taking all the Lodge members up there. I'm actually very relieved.  
  
S: Mr. Green, I do find it rather difficult to conceive that a 10-story, concrete reinforced underground bunker with laser security systems, keypad- coded titanium doors, and a giant boulder could be constructed and go unnoticed under your very beard.  
  
R: That's ridiculous. I am not that dense, I…oh look, the floor. I couldn't see it through my beard.  
  
S: Yeeeeeeessss…that is immaterial. It appears that our dear Harold is blossoming as a true super-villain. He is still shaky in his delivery and demeanor, but once he has the laugh down, we know that he must be stopped. I knew he was reaching for high goals when I saw he had "Fearless Leader" stenciled on the back of his chair. He also had a message on his answering machine from someone named Boris from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. Wanted some missiles sent UPS to blow up a moose and a squirrel. I never thought Harold was into poaching.  
  
-Harold enters, looking very confident. He is smoking a thin cigarette, and is holding his other hand as if he were holding a wine glass-  
  
L: Harold? What's with the limp wrist?  
  
H: I'm practicing my proper British dialect.  
  
L: For the bad dialect contest? You sound dumber than Stone with that faux accent.  
  
H: Mr. Stone, will you be ready to film our next scene in the physical fitness regiment?  
  
S: Ready anytime.  
  
H: Excellent. I will inform your executioners, er, I mean, the participants that you will be arriving shortly. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA…um…cough, cough…heehohuhiha...  
  
S: Harold…you are not planning anything…treacherous, are you?  
  
-Stone stares hard at Harold. He begins to sweat, and his voice cracks-  
  
H: EEP! Huho! Uncle Red, you got that mop handy?  
  
R: Harold, you should have worn more absorbent underwear. Actually, I would prefer you wore more underwear, period.  
  
H: Just you wait, Stone! My foreign assassins will make mincemeat out of you! Farewell until then!  
  
-He scampers off, literally-  
  
S: Yeeeeesssss…Excuse me for a moment, please. I need to use the facilities. Harold's attempts at melodramatic threats are making me nauseous.  
  
L: There he goes again, getting all the attention, and leaving me in the dirt.  
  
R: Loki? Why is it exactly that you hate Stone so much?  
  
L: It not that I hate him so much, although from time to time that's true. He can be useful from time to time. He's the one constant in my universe. The thing is, the universe always bends to accommodate him, usually at someone's expense.  
  
R: That's ridiculous. No one has that kind of luck. In fact, I have five bucks that says you can't prove that.  
  
L: I'll raise you ten.  
  
R: I know you too well for that, Loki. I've stick to five.  
  
L: Damn. Fine, Red, pick any glass from the bar. Any glass at all. The shoddier the better.  
  
-Red reaches behind himself blindly, not even looking at what he is selecting. When he pulls back, he knocks several other glasses off the shelf. They shatter on the floor-  
  
R: How's this?  
  
L: Perfect. What does this remind you of?  
  
R: Reminds me of the glass I got my jelly out of this morning. My wife got for fifty cents at a garage sale.  
  
L: You got ripped off. Would you mind if I gave it to Stone?  
  
R: Go right ahead.  
  
-Stone has reentered, wiping his hands dry-  
  
L: Stone?  
  
S: Yes, Loki?  
  
L: Here ya go. A present from Red  
  
S: Is this…it is! Loki! This is a genuine piece of priceless Waterford crystal! See the maker's symbol on the bottom? This is amazing! I have an almost complete collection at home. This will finish it! Thank you ever so much!  
  
-Stone rushes out of the room again. Red looks back to see what was once his Waterford crystal collection is nothing but shards of glass strewn about the floor-  
  
R: Mr. Stone! That's mine!  
  
L: Don't bother. It's gone now.  
  
R: What do you mean?  
  
L: Three words. Howie, Screwem, and Howel.  
  
R: Oh yeah. It is a sad day when the epitome of truth and honor is backed by a corporate syndicate of bench pirates.  
  
L: That also have the laugh down to an art form.  
  
R: What is with this laugh?  
  
L: It's quite simple, Red. The maniacal laugh is the final stage of a villain's growth. Every level of villain uses the laugh.  
  
-Stone is back-  
  
R: There are levels?  
  
S: Certainly. Harold is an aspiring type A villain. This is the megalomaniac tyrant who wants to dominate and/or destroy the world.  
  
L: Type B is the run-of-the-mill mafia boss.  
  
S: Type C is the local public nuisance.  
  
R: And type D?  
  
L and S: Politicians.  
  
R: They all use the laugh?  
  
L: Yup. It goes like this. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (Stone has a gun pointed at Loki's face) Eep.  
  
R: Holy shit! That's a Colt Python! That's the most powerful handgun ever made!  
  
S: Oh dear. I am sorry, Loki. Force of habit. Oh, silly me. I had the safety off.  
  
L: Red, you got that mop handy?  
  
R: I've never seen anything like that up close. Could I have a closer look at that?  
  
S: I suppose so. Here you are.  
  
CLUNK  
  
R: I can't even lift this off the floor? What's thing made of?  
  
S: The gun is perfectly normal. It's the bullets that are unusual.  
  
R: What are they made of? Titanium?  
  
S: Depleted uranium, actually.  
  
R: WHAT! A normal Python shell will go through an engine block!  
  
S: Yes, and these will go through something that can tear an engine block apart with its bare hands.  
  
R: I don't want to know.  
  
L: You get used to it.  
  
S: Oh, Loki. Do you have anything to protect yourself?  
  
L: I'm always armed with my cunning mind and sharp wit.  
  
S: I'd better give you a gun. Here you are.  
  
-Stone hands Loki a thing resembling a giant cigarette lighter with a trigger. Loki eyes the name of the model-  
  
L: Noisy Cricket?  
  
S: I picked it up from some gentlemen named Jay. He wouldn't give his full name.  
  
L: Stone? Why is this thing beeping red?  
  
-Stone flicks a tiny switch, and the light turns green-  
  
S: Ah, that's better.  
  
L: What happened?  
  
S: This gun was designed to fit my grip precisely. Now it is suited to yours.  
  
L: If I had fired beforehand?  
  
S: It would have blown your hand off.  
  
L: Really. FREEEEED…!  
  
R: Say, where is Fred? I haven't seen him around in this chapter.  
  
S: I don't know, and I can't say I'm disappointed. If you two would excuse me, I need to make a telephone call to the FBI.  
  
-Loki has jumped out of his chair, and is frantically looking for exits from the room-  
  
L: FBI?! What for? How soon will they be here?  
  
S: No need to get overexcited, Loki. Most likely whatever friends you have in the Bureau would not be assigned to an op in this place. RING RING Hello. Extension 3678, please…Is this Clarice? Well hello Clarice…  
  
-He exits on his cell phone-  
  
L: I really wish he wouldn't do that.  
  
R: Ya know, he really does sound like that guy in the Silence of the Sheep.  
  
L: I never get used to that no matter how many times he does it.  
  
R: Loki? Where's the mop?  
  
L: I don't know. I'd like to shove it up Fred's anus. I really wish I wasn't about to ask this, but; where is Fred.  
  
H(reentering): He won't be here for a while. He is in the process of filming a first-person perspective documentary of the Canadian Health Care System. Where is Stone?  
  
L: He's making a phone call to the FBI.  
  
H: The FBI? Really? I'm a federal case! I've arrived! I mean…how nice. He must have a ladyfriend in the department.  
  
L: Not likely.  
  
R: What does that mean?  
  
L: You'll find out later in the chapter.  
  
H: When he's finished with his call, could you send him to Red's workshop? The next scene is ready to film.  
  
L: Yeah…Red, you'd better get to makeup.  
  
R: We don't use makeup on this show.  
  
L: Darn, I was hoping you just had a bad lighting guy.  
  
-The workshop. A place that would be described as a major health hazard on its best day. Loose saw blades and heavy tools are everywhere one can see. Duct tape holds highly unstable projects together, ready to collapse at the slightest air current. Everyone who is not otherwise occupied with either grievous injuries or primal lust is present. Loki has supplied Daphne with a cattle prod to ward off the Lodge members. Loki is leaning against the wall laughing at the feral fury with which she fries the dirty old men. Harold is outfitting Stone with radio transmitter that will adjust the cameras to follow his every move. Stone is too busy regarding his "opponents" to protest. A fat Korean, a large German, and a really tall Russian guy with metal teeth-  
  
H: Are we ready? ACTION!  
  
R: We have a special presentation on the show today. Once again, Philo Stone will give a demonstration on self-defense. I have brought in who Harold says are three distant nephews of mine to assist in the activity. I have here Mr. Oddjob Jones, Mr. Jaws Jones, and Mr. Heinrich Jones.  
  
S: That is very strange, considering that one is Korean, one is German, and the tall one appears to have swallowed a lawn mower. Mr. Green, didn't you say you were Scottish?  
  
R: I told you we don't talk about that!  
  
S: Yeeeesss…would any of you fellows be related to a Fred Jones?  
  
All 3: NO!!!!!!!  
  
S: How unfortunate…that would have relieved any guilt about inflicting injury upon you.  
  
R: So here we are on my…Harold, wouldn't it have been better to do this in a gym somewhere with padding and open space?  
  
H: Of course not! True unfairly balanced assaults, I mean, true self- defense takes place in the real world, with obstacles, and hindrances that can be used dishonorably as weaponry! Mr. Stone! Before we begin, would you please remove any supplemental implements that might lessen the already unfair advantage I have stacked against you! I mean…you know what I mean!  
  
S: Oh, very well. If you don't mind holding my tools, Mr. Green?  
  
H: Certainly.  
  
-Out of a seemingly bottomless pit in his trousers, Stone piles into Harold's arms: a Ruger Mk II, Colt .45, SIG-Sauer P220, Makarov, Beretta 92F, CZ75, Steyr GB, Luger, Tokarev TT-33, Rodom wz 35, Detonics Pocket 9, Browning DA, Walther P5, Glock 21, Smith and Wesson 4506…-  
  
H: ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED?  
  
S: Just one more thing.  
  
-…a rubber chicken-  
  
H: A rubber chicken? A RUBBER CHICKEN! All this time I thought I thought you were rugged, stalwart monument to justice and strength! A powerful vision of human achievement and independent action! But a rubber chicken! What else do you have? A pacifier? A security blankie? A stuffed tiger you swear is alive?  
  
S: I will have you know that there have been many times that the only thing keeping me from the clutches of death has been my rubber chicken.  
  
H: But how? How could such an inane gag toy be the final wall between you and your demise? I demand to know!  
  
S: You want me to show you?  
  
H: Yes.  
  
S: Are you sure?  
  
H: YES!  
  
WUNK  
  
H: Ooooohhhh…I see…a rubber chicken filled with cement.  
  
S: Lead shot, actually. I've found it conforms to the head better. Thanks for that tip, Loki.  
  
L: Anytime. You don't want to see what I taught him to do with a tomato.  
  
H: No, I suppose I don't. Could we just begin the scene, please?  
  
-With a final quick look behind him at his assailants, I mean assistants, and a glance-over of the area of the workshop, Stone commences-  
  
S: As the younger Mr. Green stated, the true placing of a self-defense situation is unknowable. And most often, it comes on one most unexpectedly…  
  
-POW! Heinrich clocks Stone in the back of the head in mid-sentence. Slightly dazed, the German throws him into a workbench. As Jaws charges in from the side, Stone ducks down and stands up fast just as Jaws is on top of him, sending the metal miscreant hurtling into Oddjob, approaching from the other side-  
  
S: As has been so dutifully illustrated here.  
  
-Heinrich is moving in front the front in a boxing posture, ready to fight-  
  
S: But as Harold was so kind to remind me of, one is never truly alone in battle.  
  
-Stone scoops up a handful of sawdust, and flings it in the German's eyes. Heinrich stops for a moment to clear his vision-  
  
S: One's environment can be one's best friend.  
  
-Stone rushes the blinded German, lifts him like a professional wrestler, and slams him onto his knee. Heinrich lays bent on the ground-  
  
S: Advantages can be found in all places…  
  
-Jaws and Oddjob have recovered, and are advancing fast. Stone grabs an obviously often-used fire extinguisher from the wall as Jaws swings his fist as Stone's face. Stone quickly brings the extinguisher in line with Jaws' hand, and sickening CRUNCH can be heard from Jaws' broken knuckles. Stone ducks down and slams the extinguisher into Jaws' groin, and uppercuts him under the chin with an upward swing-  
  
S: …If one knows where to look for them.  
  
-Oddjob, deciding not to deal with Stone hand-to-hand, flings his deadly derby at Stone's face. Stone moves aside, and catches the hat by shooting his fist inside the brim. Spinning, Stone returns fire, embedding the derby in Oddjob's chest-  
  
S: And I would like to extend my personal thanks to Mr. Harold Green for selecting this location. In we had done this presentation in a more sterile environment; there is a very good chance I might have been beaten.  
  
H: CURSES! I mean, cut!  
  
S: Was that satisfactory, Mr. Green?  
  
H: I didn't expect you to satisfy me, Stone. I expected you to DIE! Henchmen! Get him! Henchmen…?  
  
-All the Lodge members have vanished-  
  
L: Chapter 5, Page 87, Harold. Never give your enemy or your henchmen an opportunity to escape.  
  
H: What?  
  
L: You must not have gotten to that chapter yet. Never mind.  
  
-Fred straggles into the workshop. He has a broken leg, and is hobbling on crutches-  
  
F: There you all are! It's time for me to shoot my scene! Daphne! I have a malt for you! Velma! Gather the bearded amateur and move your overweight chunky butt! I need him for this next scene! I told you once already not to hang around this third-rate riffraff show! It will lower your already non- existent standards! Now, Let's Go, Gang!  
  
H: Mr. Stone…you are aware that I have been plotting your demise since you arrived, and will relentlessly continue to seek to destroy you afterward, but…could I borrow that rubber chicken?  
  
S: Even though you are an aspiring super-villain, and I will have to bust up your operation later…I can't say no.  
  
H: Thanks, Mr. Stone.  
  
WUNK  
  
F: OW! My pituitary gland!  
  
-Outside. Handyman Corner-  
  
R: Hello again, folks. Welcome a hopefully more successful edition of Handyman Corner. Since I am under a legal injunction from going anywhere near that bi-plane, we're going to do some auto detailing on this Lamborghini Diablo. This being an Italian car, no one is going to miss it. So we start with our tools, a car key, and the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. I shouldn't have anything to worry about, since the owner of this car makes it a point to not have any dealings with anyone in the law industry…oh my. The red dot that has just appeared on my chest is part of a laser scope that seems to be attached to a Parker Hale Model 85 sniper rifle. Those guns can have an 85 percent hit probability up to 800 meters.  
  
L: 900.  
  
H: 900 meters. And considering that the dot is moving further down my body, I'm going to just slowly move away from the car. But first, I'm going to gather the roll of duct tape that I've dropped.  
  
PING  
  
R: Oh wow. That was a great shot, Loki. You took my belt buckle right off.  
  
L: Damn. I missed.  
  
R: Oh. Where's that mop?  
  
-Out in front of the Lodge, Fred is prepping for his scene-  
  
F: For those of you that are not used to film style, I tend to shoot my episodes non-chronologically. So we will be filming the capture scene where we turn over the ghost to the police.  
  
R: Mmmmpnnnphhhh  
  
-Red has been tied and gagged-  
  
F: Now, Dalton, you will be playing the police officer that takes the culprit away. Do you have your line down?  
  
Da: Kids without thanks done have you not could we it.  
  
F: NO! You will destroy my vision! It goes, "Thanks kids, we couldn't have done it without you!" Then you haul off the Phlatulent Phantom! Now, Red, do you have your line?  
  
R: MMMMMHHHHH!!!!  
  
F: What was that?  
  
-Fred pulls off Red's gag-  
  
R: What the fuck are you trying to do to me, Fred?  
  
F: All wrong! You are the most difficult villain I've ever dealt with! Your line is, "And I would have gotten away with it, too; if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!" All the others got it right! Where is Daphne?  
  
-Daphne is laying comatose over a chair-  
  
F: Oh, there she is. Velma, hold on to her during on this shot. It will be easier to do a middle shot and get you both at once.  
  
V: With pleasure.  
  
F: All right everyone! Places! Take one! ACTION!  
  
-Fred stands up straight and puffs out his chest as best he can up his crutches-  
  
F: So, officer, as you can see, it was Red Green who was terrorizing the swamp as the Phlatulent Phantom!  
  
Da: Thanks kids, we couldn't have done it without me!  
  
F: Ah! CUT!  
  
H: Fred, allow me to show them how it's done.  
  
F: Velma! Get back to your place! I didn't say could…  
  
-PLOP Harold shoves Fred over a table-  
  
F: OW! My pancreas!  
  
H: Enough of the airhead! Camera grip number 1! Raise the camera angle three degrees! Light grip! Lower the tint! Everybody get out of that goddamn straight line! All right! Fred! Get on your good foot and get back over here! Daphne! You just stay on my shoulder. Oh, watch the drool, honey. FRED! Get over here! Good. Now, Uncle Red, you're not being convincing as a captured villain. Now Fred, motivate him. Grab a hold of his arm. Twist. No, harder. Harder. Make him scream.  
  
CRACK  
  
R: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!  
  
H: Yes! Yes! That's it! Red, you're a little too purple. Don't hold your breath so much. Look angry, not so much in pain. Yes, that's it! The glowing red eyes are perfect! Places! Take two!  
  
R: Gggggrrrr…  
  
H: Say your line, Uncle Red.  
  
R: YYYAAAAAAA!!!  
  
H: No! Your line! With feeling!  
  
R: AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF HAD NOT BEEN FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!!!  
  
H: Perfect! CUT! That's a print!  
  
R: Harold…may I have that rubber chicken, please?  
  
H: Sure, Uncle Red.  
  
WUNK  
  
H: FROINLAVEN! What did you hit ME for?  
  
R: You were closest. And when did you start channeling Jerry Lewis? Oh, Fred?  
  
WUNK  
  
F: OW! My cerebrum!  
  
R: This thing comes in awfully handy. I'll hold on to this for a while.  
  
F: When I can see straight, we'll move right along. Velma got two scenes, I get two scenes. Bring Velma! It's time to film the finding of the final clue!  
  
H: He'll find something all right.  
  
-Fred, Harold, and what can loosely be described as Daphne are now positioned in the second story hallway of the Lodge. Velma and Gord's room is right next to them-  
  
F: Velma!  
  
H: It's Harold! And WHAT?  
  
F: Huh?  
  
H: Speak up!  
  
F: What are they doing now?  
  
H: Whoops, I did it again! Of course, at this point, they've done it lots of times! Fred?  
  
F: What?  
  
H: How can we film with all this noise?  
  
F: Just yell really loud! I'll edit out all the background noise!  
  
H: Fine!  
  
F: ACTION!  
  
H: Do I really have to say it, Fred?  
  
F: YES!  
  
H: You fuckin' little…  
  
F: What?  
  
H: Nothing!  
  
F: Start again!  
  
H: Jinkies! Look, Fred! I've found a clue!  
  
F: Excellent, Velma! Now stand aside so I can bask in all the glory!  
  
V: You'll have to come over here to see it!  
  
F: Where is it?  
  
H: It's behind this door! Come on over here!  
  
F: Behind this door here?  
  
V: Yes! Now open it, and receive the glory you so richly deserve!  
  
F: Hey look gang! It's aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
H: Oh, did I forget to mention the staircase that I just happened to push you down?  
  
WUNKWUNKWUNKWUNKWUNKETC…  
  
-Fred bounces down the stairs until he can no longer be heard. Then a few seconds later, a strange noise can heard coming from above-  
  
WUNKWUNKWUNKWUNKWUNKETC…  
  
-Fred is now rolling down the stairs above the hallway, and rolls right past Harold's shocked gaze, down the stairs again, and finally coming to a rest with a loud THUD at the basement floor where he should have stopped the first time around-  
  
H: I've never seen that happen before.  
  
F: OW! My…Say, what is that?  
  
H: I don't know. I've never seen that before. Should it be sticking out of your chest like that?  
  
F: Look! A clue! I cassette tape with the title, "I did it. By Red Green"! Velma! Help me!  
  
H: I think not, Fred! I have another scene to direct! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I love being a super-villain! Come, my limp love muffin!  
  
-Harold runs off, with Daphne draped over his shoulder-  
  
F: VELMA! DON"T LEAVE ME! I'M TOO IMPORTANT AND TOO GREAT A GENIUS TO DIE!!!  
  
-A rope falls from the open door down to Fred-  
  
Strange voice: Grab hold!  
  
-Fred grasps the rope, and is pulled up. Before him is a short black man-  
  
C: Hi, Mr. Jones! It's me! Gary Coleman! I'm here to star on your show!  
  
F: Dabney Coleman! You're wearing your shoes on your knees, and covered your face in shoe polish! You still have your gray hair and moustache! Besides, Tim Conway did that bit better than you! I want Gary Coleman and that's final!  
  
C: You're sure about this?  
  
F: Absolutely.  
  
C: All right.  
  
-Coleman releases the rope-  
  
F: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
THUD  
  
F: What's that gray stuff leaking onto the floor?  
  
-Ask the Experts. Harold is at the question booth, holding the cards and looking even more confident than ever. The glass of champagne is now in his hand, and he is smoking a long thin cigarette. On the answer panel are Red, Loki, and Stone-  
  
S: He looks awfully sure of himself. He must have hurt Fred again.  
  
L: Yeah, I almost forgot he was wearing Velma's clothes. And how did he grow a Vincent Price moustache? It is better than the Hitler one.  
  
H: (Now in a fully refined British dialect) Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Ask The…ha ha ha…Experts. A Question and Answer segment in which we attempt to get these three grown men to say the three words they should be quite accustomed to saying: I Don't Know. Allow me to introduce the three contestants. Mon oncle, Monsieur Rouge Vert. For those non- Francais layman, my uncle Red Green.  
  
R: Howdy.  
  
H: And to his immediate left, is the epitome of justice and honor. The steadfast protector of all that is good and just, and my now eternal arch enemy, Philosopher Stone.  
  
S: Eternal Arch Enemy?  
  
L: Your name is Philosopher Stone? Does J. K. Rowling know you?  
  
H: The Philosopher Stone was a concept devised by alchemists. They wished to devise an element so pure that the entire universe would be compared against it.  
  
L: Oh, how…fitting.  
  
H: And lastly, we have this other guy. Larry Something or other.  
  
L: That's Loki. Gwydion.  
  
H: Whatever. Lewis Gorilla on the far end.  
  
L: Monsieur Merde-Tete. Jusqu'a tu est protégé tres bien, regarde toi- meme.  
  
H: GULP Let's begin, shall we? Our question is from Brian Skinner of Madison, Wisconson. He writes: Dear Experts, I have recently wed my high school sweetheart. I want to do everything I can possibly do to make her life with me a happy one, but I am at a loss. Since we both attended St. Brunhilda's Extremely Strict and Downright Militant Catholic School, I know very little about the facts of life. So my question to you is; How do…oooooo…how do…hhuuuuuu…how do you…FLAVENSCHITZEL…how do you pl…HOOOOOIIIIYYY!!!  
  
L: Someone had better get that mop.  
  
S: It's a pity. He was doing so well.  
  
R: I'll take that. Go change your underwear. Please. The question is: How does a man please a woman?  
  
L: WOOHOO!  
  
R: Loki? What are you doing? I thought Harold looked ridiculous in that dress, but I've seen a new low with you dancing on the table like Pee Wee Herman. And where did you get those big white shoes?  
  
L: Perhaps I vented that a bit strongly. But I got Stone! This is the one place he cannot possibly beat me! Tartarus, he couldn't even beat you, Red!  
  
R: What? Do mean Stone…?  
  
L: Has never left the pigpen. Still wearing the sock. Rocket never left the landing pad. Can't find the mushroom patch. Is without his pruning shears. Can't find the henhouse. Shall I go on?  
  
R: That's quite enough to give me nightmares for days. Stone's a VIRGIN?  
  
S: I simply don't believe in a personal commitment of that magnitude outside the bonds of marriage. It cheapens the act. And being in the position that I hold, I cannot make the commitment of marriage.  
  
L: You ever wonder why he has the strength of ten men? It's because his heart is pure.  
  
R: It's not pent-up sexual frustration?  
  
S: Mr. Green, one that feels that he must make a promise to his wife of his prompt return after every episode should not speak of sexual problems.  
  
L: Screw all that! It's my turn now! Now Brian, if you want to please that woman and turn her into a quivering bowl of jelly flesh, there's a very simple procedure. First, there's the look. A combination of cool detachment and animal desire. Look at her with a mild interest. Get her intrigued, but not afraid. Next comes the advance. Do so smoothly and slowly. Never too fast. Offer her some wine. Anything tasting like bacteria shit is right out. Offer some treats. Small things like strawberries and grapes. Fruit will be your best friend at this stage, but avoid pineapples at all costs. Trust me on this one. Begin contact with a massage of a nerve cluster. The thigh or behind the ear is ideal. When she begins to breathe heavy, move in deeper. Move to the chest or hips. Keep constant motion, and spit out as many corny lines as you can think of. At this stage, they work surprisingly well. The clothes should start to come off at this point. Maintain body-to-body contact and keep moving. Keep to key orifices, and make sure to look in the face from time to time to reassure her that she isn't just a clit. Keep this up in progressive cycles. Remember that wild monkey sex only works if you're both totally smashed. And most important, be sincere. And if you can't be sincere, fake it as best you can.  
  
H: Ummmm…thank you Loki, for that remarkably graphic depiction. Uncle Red?  
  
R: To keep it simple, I'll use generic terms. The act of sexual arousal is achieved by stimulation of specific nerve centers that communicate electrical sensory net signals to the multiple chemical centers of the brain. Achieved by said stimulation is a secretion of hormonal chemicals sent through adrenal glands and byways to the recipient collectors that provide lubrication and climaxation by way of a snuggy tingly warm feeling and blowing herself all over your shlong.  
  
H: Do forget that there certain Eastern philosophies that have organized said stimulation into a scientific procedure consisting of activation of specific pressure points capable of reducing of woman to jell-o.  
  
R: Oh yes. That was Sinanju, I believe. Hails from North Korea.  
  
H: And taught by a man named Chuin. Sinanju consists of a 50 step method…  
  
S: 52, actually.  
  
H: Stone? You know Sinanju?  
  
S: Certainly. Chuin was my martial arts instructor from age 6. I was taught the method of Sinanju, and had to take an exam at age 10.  
  
R: What kind of exam?  
  
S: Written, of course.  
  
L: Darn, I was hoping it would be oral.  
  
S: Yes, there are so many that claim to know the technique, but never give it its proper patience.  
  
H: What do you mean?  
  
S: The most prominent practitioner of Sinanju, Remo, would only go as far as step 11, then would jump to step thiry-seven.  
  
L: What's thirty-seven?  
  
S: Penetration.  
  
R: How can you be so certain of your knowledge of Sinanju when you've never used.  
  
S: I have used it.  
  
H: What? How can that be? Aren't you a virgin?  
  
S: Yes.  
  
L: Then how can you have used them?  
  
S: It's an interesting story. I was 16, and had been dispatched on a mission infiltrating the palace of Sheik Mozambique.  
  
L: Ah yes! Akmed!  
  
S: You know him, Loki?  
  
L: I've…heard the name.  
  
S: A popular misconception is that the harem is where the concubines are stored. The harem is in fact a receiving area for visiting nobility. The seraglio is fact the place where the concubines are found.  
  
L: Ah shit! I was in the wrong room! No wonder it was full of rich old women! AH! Flashback! The fingers! The fingers!  
  
S: Ahem…as I was saying, I had just escaped from the battle arena where prisoners are used as pieces in a lethal game of death, and needed a place to escape the rabid llamas and Doberman camels when I turned a corner and found myself surrounded by eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between the ages of sixteen and nineteen and a half. One named Zoot approached me and told me that I was in the Castle Anthrax. The Sheik was at a health care clinic in Switzerland for a severe case of overexertion. He had been gone a while, and they were getting restless. They had nearly had a chance to release their…tension with a young lad named Galahad, but some gay fellow named Lancelot ruined it.  
  
L: AND?  
  
S: And I relieved it using the Sinanju technique. I only made it through the first thirteen steps before they were all sufficiently satisfied.  
  
L: You were sixteen, surrounded by 160 women, and you didn't DO ANYTHING!?  
  
S: Of course not. That would have infringed on their personal dignity. A gentleman just doesn't do such things. They were all very good conversationalists. I still get Christmas cards from them all every year.  
  
H: Mr. Stone? To clear up any confusion regarding the proper execution, would you possibly give a demonstration?  
  
S: I suppose I could. The procedure begins by tapping the inside of the left wrist in time with the heart beat, then increasing the speed of the tapping. This tapping will increase the heart beat to 150 beats a minute. Next…Harold, would you please get that camera more than two inches from my face? Now as I was saying…  
  
-Fred bursts in. He is nearly mummified in bandages-  
  
F: That's it, everyone! Time's up! I need Velma for my next scene! Clear the floor everyone! It's MY time!  
  
S: This has run long. I'll cut this short.  
  
L: Ah! My notes! Fred! Do you realize what you've done! You've denied every man the greatest knowledge he could ever know! The way to reduce women to sexual slaves, dependent on your knowledge to grant them the ecstasy they can find nowhere else! Does this mean nothing to you?  
  
F: Nothing.  
  
-Fred goes, with film crew in tow-  
  
L: That does it! That blonde bombdud has traversed a line even I wouldn't cross! He gonna DIE!  
  
-Loki draws his gun and fires at Fred-  
  
R: Loki, what kind of gun is that?  
  
L: That's odd. It doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots miniature rockets.  
  
R: Why is that rocket making a U-turn?  
  
L: Oh silly me. I had it set on heat seeking. I must be way hotter than Fred. Hehehe…SHIT!  
  
-The rocket stops inches from Loki's face. It makes a beeping noise-  
  
Rocket: SCANNING  
  
L: What?  
  
Ro: BRUNETTE  
  
L: Oh no.  
  
Ro: NOT AS TALL  
  
L: Not this.  
  
Ro: NOT AS BROAD SHOULDERED  
  
L: Help.  
  
Ro: AND DEFINITELY NOT AS GOOD  
  
-Stone snatches the rocket from mid-air and disarms it-  
  
L: What just happened?  
  
S: My ammunition is specially designed to not harm me. We look so much alike, you must have confused it. Momentarily, at least. That's very lucky of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to continue my search for my agents. I'm quite surprised. One of them hasn't left his post in years, and the other is always close to the Scooby gang.  
  
L: That is the final straw. First Daphne, then Harold, now a fucking smart- ass bomb. The next person that makes any comparisons between Stone and me is going to get creamed with my titanium baseball bat.  
  
-Handyman Corner. Again-  
  
R: Hello folks, and welcome to what I hope is the final edition of Handyman corner on this episode. I have a restraining order about touching the plane, and a desire for self-preservation about touching the car. So what we'll do this time is turn this horribly ugly green van reading "Mystery Machine" into a convertible. I don't think anyone will miss it. Mr. Stone! Loki! What did I do this time?  
  
S: We weren't about to stand by and watch you tear apart the Mystery Machine with a hacksaw and duct tape.  
  
L: It just wouldn't be right.  
  
R: Then, what should…  
  
S: Here, use this chainsaw instead.  
  
R: What? You WANT me to destroy this van?  
  
S: Absolutely. There's more to that van than can be seen. I want it dismantled. There's a mystery to that machine, and I intend to find out what it is.  
  
-Later, outside the lodge. Loki is standing near the edge of the swamp, attempting to light a roach. He is flicking his finger in the fashion of a lighter-  
  
L: 98…flick…99…flick…100 steps.  
  
-FWOOSH Loki's thumb tip has lit on fire-  
  
L: ALL RIGHT! I'm out of range of Stone's null magic field.  
  
Strange voice: Excuse me.  
  
L: Yes? GAH!  
  
-A large man wearing a hockey mask is looming over him-  
  
L: Dude…Crystal Lake is that way. This is Possum Swamp.  
  
Hockey guy: Yes, I know. I'm from Thugs R Us. My other associates and myself are on assignment to administer a lethal beating to a Philo Stone.  
  
L: There are more of you?  
  
-Four more emerge from the swamp-  
  
L: Hey, I recognize you guys! You're the starting line of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Here I thought you were petty thugs, brigands, and riffraff. But no, you're PROFESSIONAL thugs, brigands, and riffraff!  
  
Hockey guy: We need to do something in the off-season. So we joined Thugs R Us.  
  
L: Thugs R Us. I dealt with you guys before. Is Maureen still your receptionist?  
  
HG: Actually, no. She's on maternity leave. Jenny's there now.  
  
L: I haven't met her. Perhaps I can meet her the next time I go in to complain on your shoddy performance.  
  
HG: We're actually rookies. We've never dealt with someone of Stone's caliber. Would you mind of we practiced on you first? You are about the same size, and you look like a pushover.  
  
L: Drat! Not a close enough comparison. All right, fellas. Let's do this thing. Finally I get some glory.  
  
-The five hockey hulks spread into a circle to take out Loki. Before anyone can move, Loki looks one right in the eye-  
  
L: Hemerroids sure are a pain in the ass, aren't they?  
  
-The guy grabs at his butt, and falls to the ground-  
  
-The next one moves in, hockey stick held high. Loki leaps onto him and tears off his mask-  
  
L: Take Advil for extreme migrane headaches.  
  
-The guy falls, clutching at his head and gritting his teeth. Loki moves immediately to the next one and slides through his legs-  
  
L: How is that gonorrhea coming along?  
  
-The next one falls in pain. Loki barely ducks a swing at his head from behind-  
  
L: That was cheap. I'll have some fun with you. Ever wonder what it's like to have PMS?  
  
-The assailant screams and falls to the dirt. The original one is left-  
  
L: So mister rookie, what I do with you?  
  
-Loki picks up a discarded hockey stick, and twirls it with expert precision-  
  
L: I'm surprised no one ever does this in a game.  
  
-Loki swings the stick straight up between the guy's legs. The guy's eyes start to tear, and he cannot breathe-  
  
L: Uh oh. Maybe that was excessive. Oh, no wonder. The end is…oh my. I'd better get that out of there.  
  
SNAP  
  
L: Oops. You'd better go find a proctologist.  
  
CLAP CLAP CLAP  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby are applauding Loki's performance with the glassy eyed gaze of a pot junkie-  
  
L: Shaggy! Scooby! How long have been standing there? Why didn't you give me a hand?  
  
Sc: Re rare.  
  
L: Funny.  
  
Sh: We found something you'll like.  
  
L: What?  
  
Sh: We found where Harold stashed the weed.  
  
L: You did? Let's go get it!  
  
Sh: Not so fast.  
  
L: Oh, what now?  
  
Sh: Talk to my agent.  
  
L: How much, Scooby?  
  
Sc: Reventy.  
  
L: Seventy! That's outrageous! I won't pay it!  
  
Sh: Then no smokey smoke.  
  
L: So it's seventy for me and thirty for you, right?  
  
Sc: Rong.  
  
L: Oh, you mean thirty for you, and seventy for me.  
  
Sc: Right.  
  
L: Well okay then. Let's go.  
  
Sh: Hey! Wait a minute!  
  
L: Ree hee hee hee!  
  
SO NOW THAT THE STONER TRIO HAS FOUND WHAT THEY WANT, WHAT WILL THEY DO? WHAT OTHER INJURIES CAN BE INFLICTED UPON FRED? WILL WE GET TO SEE STONE'S SINANJU TECHNIQUE? AND JUST WHAT MAKES POKEMON SO POPULAR? 


	10. Hmmmm...

(Section 10)  
  
-Loki, Shaggy, and Scooby are putting around on Possum Swamp on Harold's barge filled with weed. Shaggy and Scooby are rolling around laughing in a haze of hash smoke. Loki is sucking on a roach, but is more interested in his surroundings-  
  
L: Shaggy...was this all the weed you could find? There's plenty here, but you wouldn't be holding out on me, would you?  
  
Sh: Like, no way, man. There were two barges, but when we were dragging them back to shore, this ring of bubbles surrounded us. Then these tentacles shot out of the water and dragged the other barge under the water.  
  
L: Uh huh. And you're certain you didn't have any of this stuff before you found me?  
  
Sc: Re rwear.  
  
PUTT PUTT PUTT BRAP FFFT PUTT PUTT PUTT BRAP FFFT  
  
L: This engine sounds just like the noises I heard coming from the swamp when I first arrived here. That explains Harold resurrecting the Phlatulent Phantom idea. It would provide an explanation for the noise of the engine, and Red already said he was the Phantom. Then Harold could move the weed anywhere in the swamp so no one could find it.  
  
Sc: Rhen rhe rystery ris rolved.  
  
L: Yeah, I figured it out a couple days ago...that isn't all that important. What really perplexes me is this swamp. This is southern Canada, but I'm seeing Spanish moss growing on Cyprus trees. The water is so warm I'm sweating, and there's water moccasins swimming around in there. Was that a parrot I just saw?  
  
Sh: So what, man. Probably some climate anomaly. Nothing to get worked up about. I like this. It's like the Everglades without the tourists.  
  
-Shaggy steps out onto a pile of sediments sticking out of the water and stretches up to the sky-  
  
Sh: This is beautiful. A tropical climate, and no one around to spoil it. It's a perfect place to get high.  
  
L: Yeah...  
  
-Loki pulls his gun and points it right between Shaggy's legs-  
  
Sh: Really man! I told you the other barge sank! I meant it! Here, I'll give you the money I conned from you back!  
  
BOOM  
  
-Loki fires. The miniature rocket shoots through Shaggy's legs, and a mess of green fluid splatters all over him-  
  
L: I hope to realize you were standing on a crocodile nest just now.  
  
Sh: Fuck! That thing is twenty feet long!  
  
L: It was thirty before I shot it. But I'll take that money, thank you.  
  
Sh: Hey man, that's not cool.  
  
L: Care to argue?  
  
-The gun is in Shaggy's face-  
  
Sh: No.  
  
L: All right then. Now that we have the weed, we don't have to worry about Stone finding it first. We can cut this charade and let him wrap this trip to Wonderland up.  
  
Sc: Rhat rare re ronna ro?  
  
L: First, we hide this barge in a good safe place. Out back by the septic system will be best. No one will ever go out there. Then we bring in the only person that I trust with a situation this bizarre.  
  
Sh: Rod Serling?  
  
L: No. Stone.  
  
Sc: RAY! Rister Rone!  
  
L: Scooby...it's one thing to praise his existence when he's feeding you an endless supply of Scooby Snacks, but now it's just not the time.  
  
-The trio arrives back at shore and hides the barge. As they get off...-  
  
L: This is not good.  
  
-Seventeen Phlatulent Phantoms are waiting for them. They actually are wearing identical costumes this time-  
  
L: Wow. They're actually wearing identical costumes this time. Harold must have sent for a supply of costumes.  
  
-The Phlatulent Phantom in the rear removes his mask. It is Harold-  
  
H: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This time I have you! Rules #67 and 68 of the Guide to Successful Super-Villainy states to never confront your adversary with less than six times his party number, and to never place yourself in the front of the group for the sake of better acoustics! I cannot lose this time! Minions! GET THEM!!!  
  
-The Phantoms advance in a shuffling, awkward fashion, bumping into each other and getting into petty personal arguments-  
  
Da: You stepped on my foot!  
  
W: You elbowed me in the ribs!  
  
Mi: I can't see anything!  
  
H: ACH! I'll never use beer and Jerry Springer as a motivation staple ever again!  
  
L: Gentleman and human...  
  
Sh: Hey.  
  
L: The time has come in which the grand zany chase scene that normally is accompanied by campy 70s music begins.  
  
Sc: Rhat reans...  
  
L: Produce cards and...  
  
Sh: CHECK OFF!!  
  
Sc: BINGO!  
  
L: Ah, shit. I was so close. I just needed a "Scooby steals Shaggy's victory meal" and I would have won! You're right though, Shaggy. These Scooby Doo Bingo Cards are gonna sell big!  
  
H: Minions! Destroy them! Or I'll make the next Lodge Meeting a dry one!  
  
-The minions quickly assemble and advance in malicious fashion-  
  
Sh: This is where we run, right?  
  
L: Not this time.  
  
Sc: Rhat?  
  
L: I'm getting tired of running. And Harold's quips at Ask the Experts really hurt. I'm going to knock him down a few notches.  
  
Sh: There are SEVENTEEN of those Phantoms! You're not that powerful! You can't take them all!  
  
L: Oh no? KA MAY HA MAY HA!!!  
  
-A blue fireball erupts from Loki's hands, sending the Phantoms scrambling out of sight-  
  
H: FUCK!!! I'm outta here!  
  
-Harold rushes away-  
  
Sh: What was that?  
  
L: It's amazing what one can learn watching Dragonball Z.  
  
Sc: Ret's ret Rister Rone.  
  
Sh: Yup. It's time to finish this.  
  
-Elsewhere, Fred is filming another scene. Daphne is tied to a chair to keep her from falling off. Fred is posing on front of the camera, finding just the right way to showcase his domineering insecurity-  
  
D: Look! Brownies!  
  
F: All right, I'm not letting them get away this time. I lost the Sasquatch and Elvis. I won't lose the brownies! There they are! I can their tiny forms now! Wait! Brownies!  
  
-The creature that Fred is hobbling after on his crutches turns around, revealing a little girl wearing a uniform similar to a Girl Scout-  
  
Brownie: Yes?  
  
F: May I ask you something?  
  
Br: What kind of cookies would you like?  
  
F: Cookies?  
  
Br: We have mint, peanut butter, chocolate fudge, and vanilla.  
  
F: And you need to sell these cookies for...  
  
Br: Brownie points.  
  
F:...but of course you do. I'll take a box of vanilla.  
  
Br: Excellent choice, mister. It fits your bland, white-bread image.  
  
F: Why thank you girls. Toodle-oo.  
  
Br: Bye!!!  
  
F: Where is Velma? I need her to release my fury!  
  
H: Huff Puff I'm here, Fred!  
  
F; Velma! There you are! What's that? Is that urine running down your leg?  
  
H: Never mind that. Let's shoot this scene so I can go plan my vengeance against a certain devilishly handsome, far too clever mage.  
  
F: Huh?  
  
H: Never mind. Now, Fred, this will be the moment in which you make the connection that ties all the clues together. This is the moment that you have your greatest moment of glory. This will be the greatest "Let's go, gang" EVER! Now Fred, feel the moment, and say those words!  
  
-Properly motivated, Fred drops his crutches and strikes a powerful pose rivaling Conan the Barbarian, and takes a mighty breath. Raw power exudes from him as he makes his impassioned monologue-  
  
F: I've got it! All the clues are starting to make sense! The tape, the picture, the credit card receipt, and the can of paint! They all point to one man! No, I cannot tell you now, gang! To reveal that would destroy the suspense that I have painstakingly worked to build! This is the moment! The time is now! LET'S GO, GANG!!!  
  
-Applause from...Harold, only Harold-  
  
H: Yes! Brilliant! Inspiring! Brings tears to my eyes! That was the most amazi...what's this? Oh dear. It appears there was no film in the camera.  
  
-Fred immediately falls to the ground as his knees give out-  
  
F: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of all the vile, villainous acts that you could do to me, Velma, none can be viler than this!  
  
H: Yes, that's why I saved it for last.  
  
F: What?  
  
H: Oh, nothing. Now that I have my dignity back, I think I'll seduce this lovely limp fish. Oh Daphne?  
  
D: Wha?  
  
H: My dear, would you like me to untie you?  
  
D: Yes, Santa!  
  
H: Would you like me to massage your feet?  
  
D: Oh, yes!  
  
H: Do you want to be my mistress?  
  
D: Don't push it.  
  
-Back at the swamp-  
  
L: Red!  
  
R: Oh hi, Loki. Have you ever gotten a look under the hood of this thing?  
  
L: I don't use artificial things. All natural for this guy.  
  
R: Not that hood! I mean the Mystery Machine.  
  
Sh: What's wrong with it?  
  
R: Did you know there are two gas tanks in here? And there's a switch that can transfer from the normal one to a smaller tank that holds about two gallons of gas. And the tires are specially equipped to deflate and inflate with the push of a button. And the axles are collapsible. This machine is designed to imitate any sort of vehicular problem at a moment's notice!  
  
Sh: That explains the constant breakdowns in front of old abandoned amusement parks.  
  
R: I've never seen anything like this before. Oh my God! Metaphorically, Theogically, and Literally!  
  
L: What? GASP  
  
-Stone is standing out on Possum Lake. And I mean standing out on Possum Lake. He is standing on the water, and walking around, taking readings with some sort of device-  
  
L: I knew it!  
  
Sc: Rhat?  
  
L: I should have guessed. All this time, I thought Stone's will was so strong he nullified everything that didn't fit in his perception of reality. I was wrong! He's a mage, too! A super-powerful mage! He must be stronger than me. How else could he negate my power? Now that I've got him figured out, I won't be at the mercy of his null-magic field.  
  
-Loki steps out onto the water-  
  
L: If he can do it, I can do it.  
  
-The water bends under his foot, but he stays above the surface-  
  
L: Oh yeah...  
  
-Loki, feeling much more confident, walks across the water right up to Stone. He taps Stone on his shoulder-  
  
S: Oh, hello, Loki.  
  
-Loki is surprised. Stone did not even acknowledge that he was standing on the water-  
  
L: Ummm...what are you doing?  
  
S: I'm taking some samples of this water's nitrate level. Would you mind terribly if I asked you to fill this vial with water?  
  
L: Ummm...I guess not.  
  
-Loki bends down and dunks the vial under the water-  
  
S: Oh, Loki, make sure you use this protective glove. This water is highly suspicious. And watch your footing. These submerged pilings from the wrecked dock are slippery.  
  
L: Submerged...pilings?  
  
SPLOOSH  
  
S: Oh, you fell off. You really must be more careful...um, Loki?  
  
L: Ackpth! What?  
  
S: Do you by any chance have an extra set of clothes?  
  
L: One. Why?...what's that sizzling sound? And what's that searing flesh smell?  
  
S: You'd better take a shower. Right now.  
  
L: YAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
-Loki, in a panic, runs right across the water and into the Lodge-  
  
S: My, he certainly is fleet-footed. He hit every rock on the way back.  
  
-Thirty minutes later, Loki has changed clothes and has returned to the Mystery Machine. Or what was the Mystery Machine. The van is has been nearly stripped to its bare essentials courtesy of Red's chainsaw-  
  
L: Where did Stone go?  
  
R: He went off to make another phone call. He needed some special equipment to test the swamp. Winston offered to help, but Stone ran away.  
  
L: That was wise of him. What have you turned up now?  
  
R: When I cut into the back, it looked like the back compartment was much narrower then it should be in a van of this size. So I went to work on the walls, and found a secret compartment filled with papers. I left them in a pile by the engine.  
  
L: Shag? Scoob? Do you realize what these are?  
  
Sh: These look like cancelled cheques. To private investigators.  
  
L: And the Acme Costume Company.  
  
Sc: Rand ra rhosts.  
  
L: Yes...do these names look familiar to you, Shag?  
  
Sh: Al Smith... Ma Pritchett...Old Man Withers...these are the guys we kept unmasking!  
  
L: Yeeeees...and look at these. Newspaper clippings. From every case we ever came across.  
  
Sh: And every one of them of dated prior to our arriving at the scene.  
  
L: And files. The Black Knight...The Creeper...The Neapolitan Phantoms...the Robot...guuuhhh shiver I remember that robot. That was freaky. But Fred knew about them all beforehand.   
  
Sc: Re've reen ret rup!  
  
L: Yes, Scooby, it appears that Fred knew about every haunting before we got there. And that he even concocted some of them himself.  
  
Sh: Say, what are these?  
  
Sc: Rontracts.  
  
L: Yes, model release contracts. Daphne, Velma, and you two have signed them. The handwriting is terrible on them all. Say, I never signed one of those. And what are these? These look like contracts for a movie. Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar have signed these things. Two other people I don't recognize are playing Shaggy and Velma. I don't see one for Scooby.  
  
Sh: I don't remember signing any contracts.  
  
Sc: Re reither.  
  
L: Then I'll bet that neither Daphne nor Velma know about these either. I don't get it though. What could they be for? And how can you not know about them?  
  
Sc: Ri ron't row.  
  
-From behind them-  
  
S: Mr. Rogers! Might I have a moment of your time?  
  
Sh: Uh sure, Mr. Stone.  
  
L: Stone, where have you been?  
  
S: I was meeting my pilot. I had some chemical testing equipment flown in from England.  
  
L: In half an hour?  
  
S: It would have taken less of a delay, but my supersonic jet is being repaired.  
  
L: Of course it is.  
  
S: Mr. Rogers, I need some advice. I realize that this is your area of expertise from my past exposure to your escapades.  
  
Sh: You've seen me before?  
  
S: Why of course. I've been an admirer of you and your illustrious canine partner for years. I always did love the way you two solved your mysteries. There was only one person better, no offense meant of course, but he seemed to vanish just as he was reaching the peak of his crime-fighting ability. But you two always showed true courage when falling down mine shafts and subduing villains. So, how does one manage to gather necessary evidence and gather the crooks as well in a manner of twenty minutes?  
  
Sh: Huh?  
  
S: Perhaps I am intruding. A master detective does not share his methods with just anyone.  
  
Sh: Umm...generally Scoob and me run around looking for food and land on the ghost by accident.  
  
S: I see, Mr. Rogers. Always the picture of humility. But perhaps I could ask what would be the best action to finish this case?  
  
Sc: Re can ro rout ronto rhe rwamp. Re'll rust reed ra roat.  
  
S: That's an excellent idea, Scoobert! We just need to...did I just address the dog?  
  
L(patting S on the back): Don't worry, Stone. This case is taking its toll on all of us.  
  
S: Right...we just need to find a boat.  
  
H: Did I hear someone say they need a boat?  
  
L: Harold! How did you get here so fast?  
  
H: Literary convenience. So what are you all doing?  
  
S: We need to find a boat so we can go out onto Possum Swamp. There is something highly suspicious about that swamp. The temperature is highly abnormal, and I'm certain I saw a nuclear power plant on my way here.  
  
H: So you need a way to get deep into the swamp. To delve into its murky depths and the moss filled jungle...a place so dark it's possible to be lost forever in its murk...a place where a corpse may never be recovered...a place where one could kill off a certain party of meddlesome adventurers without fear of discovery...sure, I can help you.  
  
-Ten minutes later. Stone and Loki are standing with looks on their faces that can be described only as "HUH?" A small single cabin boat with a patch over what used to be a large hole in the bow-  
  
L: This does not bode well.  
  
S: The S.S. Minnow? He's really reaching now.  
  
L: He did say it would be a three-hour tour.  
  
Sh: What's the big deal?  
  
S: Mr. Rogers, have you never watched television? That boat is an American cultural icon, and...Loki! Stop making bets with the Lodge members!  
  
L: Stone! I'm giving them twenty to one odds that we won't survive this expedition!  
  
S: Hmmm...better that you collect the Lodge's ill-gotten funds and put them to good use. Otherwise, it might be spent of excessive alcohol abuse, drugs, and cheap women.  
  
L: That would certainly be a shame if that happened. Snicker  
  
S: Where are Mr. Jones and Ms. Blake? I haven't seen them for some time.  
  
Sh: I don't know. They've been gone for a while. Maybe Fred finally figured out what that thing in his pants is used for.  
  
H: The launch is ready! All aboard!  
  
S: Are we ready to set off, Mr. Green?  
  
H: Certainly. I just need to make an adjustment on the motor...and...timer set! I mean, all set! You're ready to shove off!  
  
S: Excellent, Mr. Green. We need just one thing.  
  
H: What's that?  
  
CLICK -Stone has handcuffed Harold to his wrist-  
  
S: A helmsman.  
  
H: Yikes! I need to check that motor again!  
  
-A few minutes later, out on the water. Harold is fiddling frantically with a bomb he has attached to the motor-  
  
L: Harold, it might be best for your continued health if you cut the red wire.  
  
H: Oh, why thank you, Loki.  
  
L: Or was it green?  
  
H: GAH! Make up your mind!  
  
-From below-  
  
S: Loki?  
  
L: What, Stone?  
  
S: May I see you down here a moment?  
  
L: Uh, okay.  
  
-In the ships control room-  
  
S: Loki, must you tease Harold so?  
  
L: Why not? I disarmed that bomb two minutes after we got out into the water.  
  
S: Loki...did I say bomb...or did I say bombS, plural?  
  
L: Oh.  
  
S: Why do you think I've been holding the odometer back with my fingernail for the last five minutes?  
  
L: Oh.  
  
S: Hurry.  
  
-In seconds, Loki has disarmed the second bomb-  
  
S: Thank you.  
  
L: Harold really has grown into super-villianhood hasn't he?  
  
S: I admit he has grown beyond my expectations.  
  
L: And gotten quite troublesome as of late.  
  
S: Are you suggesting something?  
  
L: Perhaps.  
  
H: Is this REALLY necessary?  
  
-Harold has been tied to the wheel of the launch-  
  
SO HERE WE ARE. IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER NOW. THE FINAL LAP HAS BEGUN. BUT THERE ARE STILL LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP. WHAT WILL OUR HEROS (OR HERO, HARD TO COUNT LOKI) FIND IN THAT SWAMP? WILL HAROLD EVER GET OUT OF THAT VELMA SUIT? AND DO RHINOS GET GAS? I'M AFRAID TO ASK. DOES ANYONE KNOW? 


	11. Homerfied!

(Section 11)  
  
-Inside the Possum Swamp Nuclear Facility. Wayland Smithers is looking through a high-powered telescope.  
  
Burns: Smithers! Are you keeping a close watch on that Boy Scout camp? Can't have them snooping around the plant.  
  
Smithers: Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.  
  
B: What are they doing now?  
  
S: They're having a swim meet, Mr. Burns. Oh dear.  
  
B: What is it, Smithers?  
  
S: It's a launch, sir.  
  
B: Launch? Excellent. If they swim before waiting an hour, they might all get cramps and drown.  
  
Sm: No, sir. A LAUNCH. It's a type of boat. It's heading across the swamp right toward us.  
  
B: Well, who's in it?  
  
Sm: Its Philo Stone, sir.  
  
B: Stone? Curses! He's found us again! Quick! Gather the supplies! We're fleeing to Canada!  
  
Sm: Mr. Burns, we're already in Canada.  
  
B: Drat! I keep forgetting. It's that darn swamp. I keep thinking we're in Florida.  
  
Sm: Sir?  
  
B: What, Smithers?  
  
Sm: There are some more on the boat.  
  
B: Who else?  
  
Sm: Umm…there are some…  
  
B: Don't say it.  
  
Sm:…meddling kids, sir.  
  
B: That's all we need! Release the Kraken!  
  
Sm: Mr. Burns, the Kraken has been stoned out of its mind ever since it ate that barge. There's also a  
  
talking dog on the boat.  
  
B: A TALKING DOG? Double Drat! If it had been some meddling kids and a talking shark, we might have stood a chance. At least it's not a three- eyed fish. I thought that radiation leak had been repaired.  
  
Sm: The man you hired used duct tape to patch the hole. It's not a very good insulator.  
  
B: Triple Drat! That's the last time I hire local help! Our operation has been exposed! Stone will be  
  
here at any moment! We have to get out of here!  
  
Sm: But where, Mr. Burns?  
  
B: First Springfield, then Canada. We need to find another desolate wasteland ripe for criminal activity!  
  
Where can we go, Smithers?  
  
Sm: There's Montana, sir.  
  
B: Ick! Even I have standards!  
  
Sm: What about Mos Eisley, sir?  
  
B: Excellent! Prepare the hyperdrive, and set a course for Tatooine!  
  
-The top of the nuclear plant opens and a starship blasts out of the atmosphere. It vanishes in a burst  
  
of light.  
  
S: What was that?  
  
L: I'm not sure, but whatever it was, whatever believability factor we had left just went with it.  
  
Sh: Mr. Stone?  
  
S: Yes, Shaggy?  
  
Sh: What are we doing out here again?  
  
S: Loki has told me that several of the Phantoms have been giving off a green glow after emerging from the swamp area. So I'm doing an atmospheric scan to see if I can detect any sort of abnormalities in the ecosystem.  
  
–Stone holds a high-tech device in his hand and is taking readings-  
  
S: This is astounding. And a bit disturbing.  
  
Sh: What is it?  
  
S: The warm is abnormally warm. We've established that already. What is quite odd is that the water is actually warmer nearer to the bottom than at the surface. And the radiation I'm picking up seems quite familiar.  
  
Sh: Familiar? How?  
  
S: I've come across this particular radiation once before. In a town called Springfield. It comes from only one source I've ever found. And it has a peculiar side effect.  
  
L: (Glowing green) Must destroy mankind…  
  
S: Ah yes, just as I suspected. It is easily counteracted, though.  
  
-Stone produces a donut-  
  
L: Sprinkles…  
  
-The glow subsides-  
  
S: See? He's much better.  
  
-KOONK! Loki walks into the cabin door-  
  
L: D'OH!  
  
S: Though there is some lingering stupidity.  
  
-Scooby notices a black sludge oozing into the water out of a large pipe-  
  
Sc: Rook! ROIL!  
  
S: No, no, Scoobert. That's not oil, that…I just talked to the dog again.  
  
L: Don't worry, Stone. After a while, it becomes habitual.  
  
S: Yeeeees…as I was saying, that is not oil. That is in fact…  
  
Sh: What's that nasty ass smell? LOKI!  
  
L: It wasn't me! It was…Harold!  
  
H: Oh sure. Pin it on the guy in a dress and tied to a steering wheel.  
  
Sh: What is that? It smells like…  
  
L: That's too nasty to stand! We're getting out of here!  
  
-Loki gives the wheel a hard spin to turn the boat 180-  
  
H: WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
-Heading back to shore-  
  
S: I think I've procured enough data to piece together the composition of that lake. When we return to land, I'll run it through the chemical analyzer I have in my room, and make a formal conclusion.  
  
L: Stone? You have a chemical analyzer in your room at the Lodge?  
  
S: Why certainly. I have my entire crime laboratory there. I am here on official business. The only true drawback to my location is that I have the toilet. That may not sound like much, but Red explained to me that there is only sufficient plumbing at the Lodge to support one line, being that Red uses so much equipment on his…other projects. So when I say I have the toilet, I have THE toilet. It's quite aggravating after a lodge meeting with three kegs.  
  
L: That's all fascinating. Harold? Must you stare at me while I'm steering? It's quite distracting.  
  
H: Not much else to look at besides your uncanny resemblance to a certain blond fellow.  
  
L: Let me improve your view, then.  
  
-Loki spins the wheel upside down. He glances down at Harold's underwear now staring him in the face-  
  
L: UGH. This is not an improvement.  
  
H: (Now looking at Loki's crotch) Not any better down here either.  
  
-The launch has docked on shore-  
  
S: I'm off to my room. And the facilities. The fumes out there have made me a bit nauseous.  
  
H: UNTIE ME!!  
  
L: Why?  
  
H: I have to help Fred film!  
  
L: Do promise to hurt him?  
  
H: In ways even you wouldn't think of.  
  
L: That's sounds quite promising. Go Go Go!  
  
-Harold runs off to the lodge with mighty BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-  
  
Sh: Was that a wise thing to do?  
  
L: He's suffered enough for the time being. Besides, the more he hurts Fred before we take him down, the better.  
  
Sc: Ruys! Rover ry rhe ran!  
  
-Red has accumulated an even larger pile of stuff from the van-  
  
R: Hey fellas! Come on over here! I found something interesting!  
  
L: What's that, Red?  
  
R: I overheard you three talking about mysterious contracts. I may have found something that would explain them.  
  
-Red holds up a DVD with Fred, Daphne, Shaggy, Velma, and Scooby on it-  
  
Sh: What is this? "Scooby Doo, Where are you?"  
  
L: Look back here! The van is full of computer equipment. There's a DVD player in here, too. Pop that thing in here. You'll need to wade through the sea of identical clothes. Why are there fifty identical outfits for everyone back here?  
  
Sh: I thought it was to avoid paying for laundry. Here goes.  
  
TV: Scooby dooby doo…where are you…we've got some work to do now…  
  
L: That's catchy.  
  
-Inside the Lodge-  
  
H: Fred. I never thought I would have to say this to due its extreme redundancy, but would you come out of the closet?  
  
F: (From inside closet) No.  
  
H: Come on, Fred. We have to do the final shot. You're almost done.  
  
F: No way am I coming out! I know what you mean by shot. And by final! I am almost done! I want to be done years later in life!  
  
H: Fred, considering that you been going for thirty years longer than you ever should have, I won't even acknowledge that. If you won't come out on your own, then I have ways to bringing you out. My red-haired seductress! Would you do the honors, please?  
  
D: KIIIII-YAAAAA!!!  
  
-SMASH! The door explodes under the power of Daphne's blow-  
  
H: Ooohhh…I feel quite aroused. Was it good for you as well, my sweet?  
  
-Daphne is dragging Fred out by his neck and smiling evilly-  
  
D: It is now.  
  
F: UCK! Malt time!  
  
-Fred throws a malt in Daphne's face. With seconds, she has gone limp on the floor.  
  
H: You bastard. I was thoroughly enjoying that scene. Very well. It is time for YOUR scene! Now Fred, I want you to do something I know you will find very difficult. I want you to make love to Daphne.  
  
F: You want me to what?  
  
H: Come now, Fred! This may be beyond your…scope, but in thirty-three years, you never even once entertained the thought of seducing that vixen? Dig down deep, find your passion, and let it flow!  
  
-Fred holds Daphne in his arms, and looks at her for a moment. He tries to find what he needs to make it work. He drops her-  
  
F: I can't do it.  
  
H: I was afraid this might happen. Wait a moment. I have an idea.  
  
-A moment later. Fred, now holds Daphne gently yet strongly in his arms. He leans in close, and speaks with fiery passion-  
  
F: My dear sweet darling, I love you. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. My life is nothing without you making it the most cherished moments of my existence.  
  
-Fred leans in close and plants a long, deep kiss in Daphne's face-  
  
H: YES! Perfect! I knew it would work! Fred!  
  
F: I love everything about you, and the stars are nothing compared to your beauty…  
  
H: Fred! Let her go! The shot is done!  
  
F: No!  
  
H: Give her back, you egomaniac!  
  
-Harold yanks Daphne away, who has a mirror duct taped to her face-  
  
-Back at the van-  
  
L: WHAT THE FUCK?  
  
-They have torn the front seat out the van, and are using it as a couch. They now have popcorn and sodas, and have gotten through the first season DVD.  
  
L: Where am I? I'm not in any of these episodes! I remember the Black Knight, and those others. All the way up to that freaky robot. The first thirteen episodes should have me in them! Instead there's Fred standing in all the places I was in, and doing all the things I was doing. How? He was always behind that camera.  
  
Sh: These things are spliced together from all the old ghost chases we had. It looks like Fred just cut everything together in a hurry. He even used the same shots over and over in every episode.  
  
L: That would explain all the clothes. If you wore the same stuff all the time, then he could use any shot from anytime anywhere. He must have edited me out, and stuck himself in my place. You guys must be rolling in bank from royalties from this stuff.  
  
Sc: Ri ron't ret rit. Re rever rot rany roney.  
  
L: I don't get it either. Nearly all these ghost chases took place in the United States. I realize that Shaggy and Scooby have been stuck in that van for an insanely long time, but I should have seen things on TV sometime. I've been in that country long enough. Sometimes it feels like too long.  
  
R: Did anyone notice the distribution areas on that show? All these contracts are to TV stations in Europe.  
  
Sh: Probably so we would never know that this was going on.  
  
R: Say, what's this? Check this out.  
  
-Red is holding another DVD. It reads "Scooby-Doo, season one. Unedited Master Copy" The picture on the cover contains Loki –  
  
L: There I am!  
  
-A few episodes later-  
  
L: I think I'm going to be sick.  
  
Sc: Row.  
  
R: Couldn't have said it better myself.  
  
Sh: Are you sure that's really you, Loki?  
  
L: I cannot believe this. How could Fred have done this to me? What happened to booze, the women, the gambling, and my beating the snot out the ghosts and the cops? This footage makes me look like Captain America, Doc Savage, Superman, and every other squeaky-clean super-hero rolled into one. What a stupid thing to do.  
  
R: Pure genius, actually.  
  
L: Huh? Did you just use the words 'Fred' and 'genius' together in the same sentence?  
  
Sc: Rand rnot ret rit ry rightning?  
  
Sh: What are you talking about?  
  
R: The realities of commercial television. Look, what Fred has done is combine the elements of two staples of the major networks, the action- adventure genre and the situation comedy, into a single form. Totally unique and quite an accomplishment.  
  
L: Fred?  
  
R: Yes, Fred. And if the dates on these contracts are accurate, he had a show on TV where a group of teenagers were routinely demonstrating themselves of not only being capable of acting responsibly without the constricting presence of the traditional adult authority figure, but were also routinely uncovering the schemes of those White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, middle-age deviants who had succeeded in pulling the wool over the eyes of the inept law enforcement agencies. Quite an appealing concept to the children of that time.  
  
L: FRED??????  
  
R: Would you stop saying that? YES, FRED!!! However, he's been limited by the constraints of each venue. Action-adventure shows demand changing settings and casts; situation comedies require familiar characters performing against static scenery. What Fred has done is create a show that revolves around a fixed group of characters that interact in repetitive situations against an ever-changing background of situations and minor characters. That's one of the reasons that neither the Mystery Machine nor the costumes ever seemed to change.  
  
L: What you're saying is that he got us acting like idiots with a bunch of hicks and running around a bunch of dilapidated ruins.  
  
R: That's about it in a nutshell.  
  
Sc: Rummer.  
  
R: Yeah, unfortunately he also incorporated a bunch of flaws from each type into his final product.  
  
Sh: So what else would you have expected from Fred?  
  
R: Well, it's not all his fault. The average half-hour television show really consists of a mere nineteen minutes worth of story as opposed to forty-one for the average hour show. For Fred to make this all work he had to reduce the plots down to the most elementary structures and make the rest of you into various melodramatic stereotypes.  
  
Sc: Ruch Ras?  
  
R: You and the beanpole become the comic relief. Any hair-raising, certain death situation that Fred maneuvered you into routinely becomes humorous because the audience expects it of you. They can laugh at your peril because they intuitively know you will survive it.  
  
Sh: The bastards.  
  
R: It's what they're conditioned to do. It's a staple of the genre. Happened to Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello all the time. Besides, the girls got it in the neck, too. Daphne becomes the eye candy that is always going to say the worst possible thing, open the wrong door, take the wrong step, and all at the worst possible time. Poor Velma became the lamest of all cliches, the intelligent yet unattractive female. Smart enough to be of use to the hero, but never attractive enough to him to be of any threat to him accomplishing his designated mission.  
  
L: And that hero, at least for the first thirteen episodes . . .  
  
R: Was you, strange as that may seem. That's why he had to edit out all of your . . . shall we say, extra curricular activities. He remade you into the Great White Hunter, the ultimate defender of all Western European, Judeo-Christian style virtues. Couldn't very well have you acting in an immoral fashion, now could he?  
  
L: Man. Now I really have a reason to hate his guts.  
  
Sh: And you make Stone look like Doctor Doom.  
  
Sc: Ron't ralk rad rabout Rister Rone.  
  
L: Shut up, Scooby. Shit. Red, you said these were broadcast in Europe? No wonder Stone knew everyone. He's seen the show. He must not have seen these episodes. He thinks too highly of me already. If he ever saw these, I'll never be able to shake his praise.  
  
Sh: Then you won't object to a little…compensation to keep us from leaking this to Stone.  
  
L: You mother fuckers. How much now?  
  
Sh: Ohhh…everything.  
  
L: EVERYTHING!?  
  
Sh: Oh, Stooooooooone?  
  
L: Okay okay okay! You will pay for this one day, Norville.  
  
Sh: Don't blame me. I learned from the master.  
  
L: * sniff * It's always such a pleasure when the student overtakes the master. But that doesn't mean they won't get it up the ass later.  
  
R: You know, you still haven't figured out the deal with those contracts.  
  
L: That's right. We still haven't figured out how you could do that and not know about it.  
  
Sc: Ri rant Rister Rone!  
  
L: Will you shut up about Stone…stone…stonnn…stonED…stoned. Shaggy, about what time did you become more than casual smokers and go into full-blown drug binging?  
  
Sh: It wasn't long after Fred started taking to that malt shop. He introduced to his uncle Equabar from Columbia. I remember walking out of that place singing showtunes and balancing Scooby on my head. We kept going back every other Tuesday.  
  
L: Yeeeeessss…It sounds like this whole thing is coming together. Gentleman, Canine, and Canadian…  
  
R: Hey.  
  
L: Fred has used us as a money making scheme. He's raked in tons of money from our efforts, eliminated any exposure of me, and kept you all in a haze of Columbian Prozac. I know you two don't mind, but I have serious issues against Fred doping up Daphne, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but even Velma. My friends, Fred Jones must die.  
  
-From up the hill from the Lodge-  
  
H: HELP! HELP!  
  
L: Huh?  
  
-Harold is running at breakneck speed down towards them-  
  
H: HELP!  
  
L: Harold, would you give it up? No one is falling for your schemes any longer.  
  
H: It's Daphne! She's in trouble!  
  
L: Harold, if you're joking about this, I'll kill you.  
  
H: Uncle Red! Get Stone immediately!  
  
Sh: He's not joking.  
  
-Red takes off for the lodge. Loki, Harold, Shaggy, and Scooby tear off over the hill-  
  
H: There!  
  
-Daphne is convulsing on the ground in an epileptic seizure. Fred is standing over her with an impatient look-  
  
F: That's not what I told you to do! Stop shaking. You'll ruin the focus.  
  
H: There!  
  
L: Oh shit. Where is Stone?  
  
-Stone is on the scene in an instant with Red in tow-  
  
S: What is happening? Oh no. Loki, restrain her. She may hurt herself.  
  
H: What is wrong with her, Stone?  
  
S: She's gone into epileptic shock. Seems to be a drug overdose.  
  
F: Would a malt help?  
  
-Fred is moving in with a tall glass. In a flash, Loki has knocked the malt out of Fred's hand. POW! Loki clobbers Fred so hard he somersaults across the ground. The malt spills onto Loki's shirt-  
  
S: Mister Jones, if I see you coming near this young lady with those malts again, I may just omit the legal system's involvement in your retribution.  
  
-Never has such a corny threat sounded so ominous-  
  
S: Loki! Hold her. I need to find my gum. I may need a whole pack for this.  
  
Sh: Gum? What's that going to do?  
  
S: This gum stimulates the body's immune system to fight the poison naturally. Here we are. Hold the pack, would you please, Loki? I just need to…yes. It will activate in a moment.  
  
-Daphne's shaking slows, and she lies still-  
  
L: She still has a pulse. We did it.  
  
H: She's going to live. Will she be …affected in any way?  
  
S: No, Mister Green. She will be as good as she ever was.  
  
L: (stifled laughter)  
  
S: What? What did I say? She will be perfectly normal. The only side effect is…  
  
-WHOOSH Daphne has tackled Stone and is tearing his clothes off-  
  
S:…a temporary hormone rush. Loki, could you lend me a hand with Ms. Blake?  
  
L: I'll lend two.  
  
S: Ummm…Loki, whatever you think you have, it's mine.  
  
L: EWWWW!!! I'll try again. Come on, Daphne. Bring it over here.  
  
-WHOOSH Daphne has changed hands and is all over Loki-  
  
L: YES! Do it to me, Daphne! I've been waiting years for this! Yes! YES! YES!  
  
-Before she can continue, Stone utilizes the Sinanju points. Daphne collapses in a relaxed heap-  
  
L: No! NO! NO!  
  
D: Anybody got a cigarette?  
  
-Loki leaps up and grasps Harold-  
  
L: Harold…tell me you got that on film.  
  
H: I couldn't! All the cameras were pointing in different directions! It was if they were…  
  
L and H: operating on different frequencies.  
  
SIZZLE SIZZLE  
  
L: Ummm…this malt is burning through my clothes.  
  
S: Loki, do you have any other clothes?  
  
L: Not anymore.  
  
S: You can use some in my room. We're about the same size. And, Loki?  
  
L: What?  
  
S: Run.  
  
-ZING! Loki takes off in a flash for the Lodge-  
  
-Some time later. Loki has just stepped out the shower in Stone's room. He has a yellow towel wrapped around his head. He passes by a mirror and stops-  
  
L: Wow. Stone and I really do look a lot alike. Except that he's blond and I'm brunette. And he's little taller, and a little broader, and much better…Fuck. I just did it to myself. Well, I said I would, so I will.  
  
-Loki walks out into the room and gathers the titanium baseball bat-  
  
L: Here goes.  
  
-Before he can, a red-haired blur pounces on him and throws him onto the bed. Daphne goes right to work. Loki has no objections-  
  
L: Oh yes, Daphne. Just like that. Yes Daphne, yes, yes…no, Daphne, don't do that. Please don't cry, Daphne. I can't keep my wood if you're crying. Oh well, it's gone now. What is it, Daph?  
  
-Daphne has latched onto Loki's torso, and bawling like a baby. Loki returns the favor, and holds her in a fatherly fashion-  
  
D: It's all become so clear to me now. All these years, riding around in that van. I had a dual musical and academic scholarship to Harvard after high school. Velma was going into the FBI. Shaggy was going onto Notre Dame to play football…what happened to Shaggy?  
  
L: That's a long story. It plays into how Scooby started talking.  
  
D: How did that happen?  
  
L: That's for another time. What matters right now is you.  
  
D: Don't play your games with me, Loki.  
  
L: I'm not that time. Please go on.  
  
D: I remember everything now. Fred was AV geek who had dreams of being a star producer. No one took him seriously. Then he starts following me around because all the boys followed me around. Then after high school, I start tagging along with Velma for the summer before we all went our separate ways in the fall. Velma followed you everywhere. So we went along on your adventures for a while. Then after you left after that robot incident, Fred took us all to that malt shop run by his uncle. Everything else is a blur. Loki, Fred ruined our lives. We all got stuck in a run- down van running from disgruntled old white guys with Fred yelling, "Slow down Bill! You're almost on top of them!" I always wanted to star on TV, but my auditions would always fail. I'm a washed-up failure.  
  
L: Not necessarily. You saw more screen time than you know.  
  
D: What?  
  
L: You'll find out soon enough. Not to worry, Stone and I already have a plan we're about to set into action against Fred. He'll pay for what he's done to you all.  
  
D: Oh thank you, Loki! You don't know what this means to me!  
  
L: It means enough to know I'm helping you.  
  
-Daphne gives him a giant hug and a kiss on the cheek-  
  
L: Daphne?  
  
D: Yes?  
  
L: If you ever tell anyone I was nice, I'll kill you.  
  
D: No one would believe it.  
  
-The door unlatches, and Stone walks in on the naked Loki and semi-naked Daphne-  
  
S: Oh my! I'm sorry. I'll come back.  
  
L: (slipping under the sheets for coverage) Don't worry about it Stone. You didn't interrupt anything.  
  
S: Everyone is ready downstairs. Harold has Red tied to a chair and gagged with duct tape. Fred is setting his lights to capture the moment. Oh, I remembered earlier where the cameras were acting strangely, and your conversation with Harold about the same topic. I examined Scoobert's collar and Norville's shirt, and found these.  
  
-Stone holds up a two mini-radio transmitters with built-in microphones-  
  
S: If I'm not mistaken, there should be…may I examine this, Ms. Blake?  
  
D: I guess.  
  
-Stone picks up Daphne's discarded top, and holds it like a dead rat, being careful not to touch too much of it. He removes another transmitter-  
  
S: I thought so. Loki, Ms. Blake, I suggest you get dressed. This is the moment of action. We have two villains to apprehend downstairs. I am about to…  
  
L: Don't say it.  
  
S:…kill two birds with one Stone!  
  
L: Where's the bat?  
  
S: May I say it, Loki?  
  
L: I guess so.  
  
S: Come on, gang. It's time to solve this mystery!  
  
YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! IT'S ALMOST DONE! STONE HAS ALL THE CLUES HE NEEDS, AND LOKI JUST NEEDS A FEW MINUTES MORE WITH DAPHNE…BUT THAT'S NOT THE NATURE OF THIS FIC. THERE WILL BE NO LEMONS COMING FROM THIS AUTHOR, NO WAY. UNLESS I GET PROPER MOTIVATION. TWENTIES AND FIFTIES WILL DO QUITE WELL. NONSEQUENTIAL, UNMARKED, NO BILL CLINTONS ON THEM. LEAVE IT BEHIND THE HOT WATER PIPES IN THE MEN'S WASHROOM IN LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND. OH WAIT, THAT'S MONTY PYTHON'S BLACKMAIL. 


	12. And the villain is...

(Section 12)  
  
-Loki, Stone, and Daphne come downstairs into the lobby of the Possum Lodge. Loki and Stone are both having a hell of a time holding back Daphne, who is thrashing them about with the ferocity of a rabid cheetah, and wants nothing more than to kill Fred. Everyone who is not currently breaking the tantric laws of longevity is present here. Red has once again been wrapped up in duct tape and has been gagged. Harold is holding Fred's camcorder as he is making his expositionary wrap-up revealing whom the villain is before he unmasks him. Of course, it will be hard to unmask Red considering he isn't wearing a mask or a Phlatulent Phantom costume anyway. The other lodge members are still wearing all the costumes, so there aren't any spares. Harold has completely discarded his Velma suit and is now attired in a robe and silk shirt similar to Hugh Hefner's style, and has once again taken to his thin French-style cigarette-  
  
F: And I, Fred, yes, Fred Jones, with no help from Velma… Velma! You're out of costume!  
  
H: Piss off. Fred. Our agreement is complete. I am under no obligation to you now.  
  
L: Are we going to allow this, Stone?  
  
F: Wha…you…I…it doesn't matter! This is MY moment! As I was saying, I have now have undeniable proof of the identity, gained through grievous injuries to my person, of our Phlatulent Phantom! This can of phosphorous paint with a credit card receipt signed by…Red Green! This photograph of our culprit in the Phlatulent Phantom costume, a graphic depiction of…Red Green! And this audio cassette titled, "I Did It By…Red Green"! And last, and most certainly not least, this "Guide to Successful Super-Villainy" with a sticker on it's cover reading, "Property of…Red Green!  
  
H: Give that back! That was only a loan!  
  
F: All of these clues lead me to the inevitable conclusion that the Phlatulent Phantom is none other than…Red Herring!  
  
-SMACK Harold has slapped Fred upside the head-  
  
H: It's GREEN! Red Green! He's sitting right in front of you! How can you be so stupid?  
  
S: All right, I've heard enough. Mr. Jones! I cannot allow this charade to continue.  
  
F: Back off, Stone. You cannot stop me now. The public has finally recognized my brilliance and genius. I'm up for a People's Choice Award!  
  
S: So what? I already have one.  
  
L: I have two.  
  
H: I have three.  
  
F: What? Who else has a People's Choice Award?  
  
-Everyone in the room raises their hand, except for Red. He raises a foot-  
  
F: Even you, Mike? How did you get one?  
  
M: I stole it.  
  
L: Mike…that's completely shameful.  
  
M: No, you don't understand. I found it in the trash.  
  
-He hands it to Loki-  
  
L: This is one of Harold's. It reads, "Cable access character most likely to snap and turn to a life of EEEEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!"  
  
S: Loki? Why did you say it like that?  
  
L: That's how it's spelled, see?  
  
S: Why so it is.  
  
R: MMMMMPPPHHHMMM!!!  
  
L: Oh yeah, we forgot about Red.  
  
RRRIIIIPPPP  
  
R: YYYAAAAAHHH!!!  
  
L: Whoa. That's a lot of beard on this strip.  
  
R: It's about fucking time! I thought they were going to grill me and send me down the river before you guys got here! Where did all that incriminating stuff come from?  
  
F: Where do think it came from? Like all villains, you were so self- absorbed in your plot; you left behind clues that would lead to your eventual capture. Don't feel too bad, Red. Everybody does it.  
  
S: Oh really, Fred? If you wish to discuss self-absorption, perhaps my associate here will bring to light a few truths.  
  
-A figure emerges from the shadows-  
  
All: DABNEY COLEMAN?  
  
S: He is one of my agents, of course.  
  
Co: Correct, but I'm not exactly Dabney Coleman, I'm actually…  
  
-His face comes off-  
  
All: BEN MATLOCK?  
  
F: This doesn't make any sense!  
  
Mat: Like your show ever did? I seem to remember the episode with the land shark. There was no way the villain could have been the woodworker. The timing was completely wrong. But that's not the point here.  
  
F: What do you think you're going to do, Matlock?  
  
H: You're too late, Matlock! The prosecution has already presented evidence that cannot be refuted!  
  
Mat: Oh really? Let's cross-examine this "evidence", shall we? First of all, this can of paint. Any fool can see that this paint is designed to glow under a black light, while the Phantoms that are standing all around us are plainly glowing in normal lighting conditions. Also, if one were to look at the credit card receipt signed, "Red Green", one can plainly that the blue signature made on this consumer copy signed by Harold Green, has been written over in red ink.  
  
H: Ummm…  
  
Mat: Secondly, this photograph of Red Green in the Phantom suit. Does it not seem odd that the photo is in color, and Red's face is black and white? Any fool can see that it has been superimposed.  
  
H: Eek…  
  
Mat: The Guide to Successful Super-Villainy. Couldn't you see that the name Harold has been crossed out and Red had been written in crayon above it?  
  
H: Ugh…  
  
Mat: And this cassette of Red Green's confession…did anyone here actually play it yet?  
  
F: Um, no.  
  
Mat: Let's do that now, shall we?  
  
-The tape is played. The voice is unmistakably nasal and high-pitched, and the occasional "Huho" and "Eee" leaves no question as to whose voice it is-  
  
Mat: Mister Green? The innocent one, I mean. Can your vocal range reach that high?  
  
R: If you pull hard enough on the duct tape on my groin, maybe.  
  
S: Oh yes, it is time to remove you from those bonds.  
  
R: BE GENTLE!!  
  
H: BE VICIOUS!!  
  
-Stone produces a can of aerosol spray. He sprays Red, and the duct tape dissolves harmlessly-  
  
R: What was that?  
  
S: A special invention. Ready-made duct tape remover.  
  
R: Why do you have that?  
  
S: Why don't you?  
  
R: I have nothing for that.  
  
S: Thank you, Ben. Now that the heat has been removed from Red, it is time to reveal the true culprit here. And to do that, I will turn it over to someone who knows the depths of criminal activity and devious scheming far better than I. Take it away, Loki!  
  
L: Why thank you, Sto…(Loki stops for a moment)…maybe he knows my character better than I thought. Continuing, there is only one person here capable of such dastardly schemes. The pure genius of such acts could have been perpetrated by a villain, no, a GOD possessing of such magnitude of brilliance…  
  
H: Oh pishaw…  
  
L:…a plan that transcends the very highest level of human intellect. One who is the very embodiment of evil so grand that the very denizens of darkness would bow down in reverence in his presence…  
  
H: Please…  
  
L: A criminal mastermind that is the true philosopher stone of evil, that all acts of deviance and atrocity will be forever compared to the unattainable standard that this man has achieved!  
  
H: You're making me blush…  
  
L: And that man, that god among men, the greatest villain of all time, is none other than…MIKE HAMMER!!  
  
M and H: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
M: I can't go to jail! I don't want to see my daddy that bad!  
  
H: You fools! It was me! ME! Harold Green! I was the mastermind behind all of this! When I left for the city, I was witness to the underhanded trickery and deceit that got one ahead in the real world! I learned all I could, and when I came back, I set immediately to overinsuring everything that Uncle Red went near, knowing that they would fall in a glorious burst of duct tape. When I earned enough money from my insurance fraud, I set about corrupting all the members of the Lodge.  
  
L: That isn't much of a challenge.  
  
H: Agreed. After I had them all on my side, I began to buy weaponry from washed-up guerilla armies, and selling them to militias at jacked-up prices! Never has UPS gotten such business from any private customer! They even send me Christmas cards now! And anyone who stood in my way would be publicly humiliated on the show! I would expose their activities to the public by presenting their most embarrassing secrets on public access television! My criminal empire grew to a global scale, and even the most powerful armies on Earth buy their merchandise from me! It could never be Mike Hammer! He lacks the true genius and fortitude to succeed in this operation! The best he could manage was grand theft auto!  
  
M: I have to admit, Loki, you have the best anti-theft system I've ever seen. I've never seen a Lamborghini with ejector seats before.  
  
H: Never mind that! I am the greatest super-villain that ever walked the face of the planet! The single mind behind the most expansive criminal organization that has ever existed! ME! ME! ME!  
  
L: Did you get all that, Stone?  
  
S: Sure did.  
  
-Stone pulls a tape recorder from his pants pocket-  
  
H: What? You set me up? How can this be?  
  
S: I'm afraid your time is up, Harold.  
  
H: This cannot be happening! I followed the Guide to Successful Super- Villainy to the letter!  
  
L: Yes, speaking of that. Harold, did you by any chance read the last page?  
  
H: Umm…no.  
  
L: Figures. No one ever finishes books any more. They always skim. Have a look, Harold.  
  
H: Rule number 300. "Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, cross Philo Stone". CURSES!! How did you know?  
  
L: Read the rule above it.  
  
H: 299. "Never trust the author of this book." The author?  
  
L: Look at the cover, Harold.  
  
H: Written by: Loki Gwydion?  
  
L: He he he.  
  
S: What about Stone? How did he know my every step?  
  
L: Look at the publisher.  
  
H: Stone's Throw Publications. AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!  
  
L: You just figured it out, Harold. We knew every move you were going to make.  
  
S: Indeed. It makes it much easier to capture the villains when they follow Loki's and my advice.  
  
H: Loki? Why would you give away your villainous secrets to the public?  
  
L: Royalties, of course.  
  
S: What does he mean by villainous secrets, Loki?  
  
L: I've learned from experience, just like you.  
  
S: Ah.  
  
H: This is intolerable! I've been torn from my position, been humiliated in front of my minions, lost my empire, and been duped into following a book that has lead to my downfall!  
  
L: Dude, you wouldn't have failed if Stone hadn't been here.  
  
H: I suppose that is true. Very well. From this moment on, I swear eternal vengeance on…you, Loki!  
  
L: ME? What did I do? Stone's the one who's bringing you down.  
  
H: I am aware of that. But I have a chance against you.  
  
L: Oh thanks.  
  
H: So, Stone, I take it you know about everything that has gone down out here?  
  
S: For the most part.  
  
H: You know about the blackmail?  
  
S: Yes.  
  
H: The weapons dealing?  
  
S: Yes.  
  
H: The extortion?  
  
S: Yes.  
  
H: The drugs?  
  
S: The what?  
  
-ZING In an inhuman burst of speed, Loki has grabbed Shaggy and Scooby and is running out to the swamp. An UPS truck is backing up toward the lodge-  
  
L: Yo dude!  
  
UPS guy: Yeah?  
  
L: Whatcha here for?  
  
UPS: I've got a pickup for a bargeload of some sort of botanical supplies!  
  
L: Excellent! There's been a change of recipient. The…supplies are being rerouted to Texas.  
  
UPS: Whatever, dude.  
  
Sh: Texas?  
  
Sc: Rhat ror?  
  
L: I live in Texas, remember? I'll send the weed there. I won't have to hide it on the way back, and it won't raise suspicion with a HazMat sticker.  
  
Sh: Oh.  
  
L: Hurry, guys! Load it on the truck!  
  
-As the three enterprising thieves are loading the weed; they can still hear what is being said inside the lodge-  
  
S: You were trafficking narcotics as well, Harold?  
  
H: Well, yes. I was growing marijuana out on the swamp.  
  
S: Out on the swamp? Harold, do you realize what is in that swamp?  
  
H: Certainly. An ideal growing environment. The water was amazingly warm and rich with nutrients.  
  
S: Yes, true. Do you know why it was that way?  
  
H: It wasn't a freak climate pocket?  
  
S: Not exactly. Harold, did you ever notice the large nuclear power plant that was powering your underground lair was right next to the water?  
  
H: You don't mean…  
  
S: The water was so warm because the swamp served as the cooling pool for the nuclear reactor. That would be why everything that emerged from the swamp glowed.  
  
H: But, I thought the leak was fixed.  
  
R: Harold, Monty Burns hired me to patch the radiation leak.  
  
H: Shit.  
  
-Outside. Loki has heard that. He is looking at the glowing weed-  
  
L: Umm…it's still good. I can still use it. Besides, it's ultra-potent now.  
  
-Inside-  
  
S: Yes, speaking of that, there is another factor to mention. The rich nutrients in the water. Harold, did you ever notice the sewer pipe that was dumping sludge into the swamp?  
  
H: So? The swamp can handle some waste.  
  
S: Waste. Again, well put. Red mentioned to me once when I brought up the lack of sufficient plumbing that the sewer system had never been completed. To compensate, and to hide their error, they directed all the effluence into the swamp as a final settling pool.  
  
H: Oh no…  
  
S: Yes, Harold. You're up to your knees in shit in more ways than one.  
  
-Outside-  
  
L: Oh yucky. This stuff can stay here after all.  
  
-Rushing inside-  
  
Sh: Mister Stone! We found the weed! It's out in an UPS truck set to send it to T…  
  
L: Taiwan! Yeah, it's being sent to Taiwan!  
  
H: Ah yes, my vengeance begins! Stone! Loki has been a steady customer for years! He's just as guilty as I am! If I am going down, he must go with me!  
  
L: Uh oh…  
  
S: Now, Harold, you were doing so well. Don't cross the line to pompous villain so near to the end. A proper villain does not resort to such despicable acts.  
  
H: Wha…he…oh, all right.  
  
S: I am very pleased, Harold. In honor of fantastic debut, I award you with this bottle of champagne.  
  
H: Don Perrinion 1990? You mean I'm a CHAMPAGNE VILLAIN?  
  
S: Yes, you've attained class A villain status. I've never seen anyone come out of the gate so finely as you have.  
  
H: Yes! You like me! You really like me! I just want to thank all the little people! The pickpockets, the extortionists, the thieves, the money launderers; and my Uncle Red, for inflicting constant emotional distress on me and driving me to the breaking point. Sending me over the edge into a dark hole of conniving vengeance lust and motivating me to turn to a life of pure EEEEEEEEVVIIIIIIIILLLL!!!  
  
-SNAP Loki has cuffed Harold-  
  
H: Loki? Why you?  
  
H: You swore eternal vengeance on me. Besides, I rarely get to hear that noise when I'm not in them.  
  
R: Oh, Harold I have something for you, too.  
  
H: A bar of soap?  
  
R: Just to show that there are no hard feelings. Best to start practicing dropping it in the shower.  
  
H: I don't get it.  
  
R: You will. In the end.  
  
F: Well, it seems that everything's been wrapped up here. I'll be going now!  
  
-Fred starts to hobble to the door as best he can considering his crutches. Loki sweeps out his feet with the mop, and Fred hits the floor-  
  
S: What do you just do. Loki?  
  
L: I tripped him with the running gag.  
  
S: Yeeessss…stay a while, Fred. We have things to discuss.  
  
F: Like what? I have done nothing wrong! You can't do anything to me! Besides, I've done nothing to you.  
  
S: This has nothing to do with me, Mister Jones. It has everything to do with what you've done to the Scooby Gang.  
  
-From upstairs-  
  
V: And I'll be the first to confirm that.  
  
-All eyes shoot toward the staircase. All jaws drop. Velma is descending, and moving very slowly, almost sensually, in her grace. Her glasses are gone, her hair is a frazzled mess, and she is wearing Gord's shirt, showcasing the fabulous body that been hiding under that sweater for all those years. A look that could only be imitated by a cat that has gotten the last of the cream is framing her face in a dazzling, naughty smile-  
  
L: Velma! You're…you…tha…gor…HOLY SHIT!  
  
V: I'll take that as a compliment, Loki.  
  
S: Agent Velma! That's where you've been all this time? Where is Agent Gord?  
  
V: Unconscious.  
  
H: My viewers will be happy! Gord broke first!  
  
V: What?  
  
L: Best not to aggravate her now, Harold.  
  
F: How can this be? Velma, you've been working for Stone all this time?  
  
V: Not the entire time. For a majority of it, yes.  
  
S: I was such a fan of Velma's deductive abilities on the show, I arranged a chance for me to meet her several years ago. When we met, she was in such disarray; it was quite obvious that she had been given a dangerously high level of narcotics. I managed to flush her system with my gum; and after that, she told me of what you were doing to the Scooby Gang, Fred. I then offered her a chance to join my team of agents, and to keep watch on your activities. I had planted Gord here to gather intel on Harold's operation, but it seems those two were…previously occupied.  
  
L: Someone was certainly occupied.  
  
S: Now is not the time for jokes, Loki. We lacked the necessary evidence to bring down your operation for years, Fred, but now we have enough to shut you down permanently!  
  
F: What…years? You've been on my tail for that long? Why?  
  
S: There is a very simple reason. For it is not what you did to me or the others present here that truly infuriates me. It is what you did to the true brains of the Scooby Gang. Very early in the show's run, there was another member. He was never named. And soon after the first season, he vanished without a trace or mention. You eliminated him from the great service he performed for detectives everywhere.  
  
L: Stone did see me.  
  
S: That man was the true glory of the Scooby Gang. He found relevant, effective clues. He brought down the villains in an efficient manner, caring nothing for the grossly overdone slapstick theatrical style that became the staple of your show.  
  
L: Whoa. He's laying this on thick.  
  
S: He led the gang by example, never by word. He would never subject Norville and Scoobert, or the lovely ladies of the group, to any task he would not do himself. And many times, he would place his own well-being in risk to ensure the safety of his comrades.  
  
L: Oh shucks. It was never like that. I just didn't want to see anything bad happen to the people I actually liked.  
  
S: And all these qualities lead me to pattern my life after his example, and become a crime fighter!  
  
L: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
-THUD Loki has fainted from shock-  
  
S: Loki?  
  
Sc: Rever rind rim.  
  
S: The dog just talked to me again. I need a vacation. Anyway, Fred, you have exploited these fine people for years without their knowledge. And deceit of that level cannot be allowed to continue.  
  
F: So what? Everything I've done is completely legal! I'm going to be rolling in millions when the film hits theaters! And there is nothing anyone can do! I have contracts from every member for use of their images in any production medium! I will be profiting from this for the rest of my life!  
  
S: Yeesss…concerning those "contracts" of yours. Norville showed them to me, and I noticed that they are dated two years after the show began. And if what Agent Velma tells me is correct, you started feeding them narcotics one year into the show. Which makes these contracts null and void. Any competent attorney could nullify these with minimal effort. Which means, Mister Jones, that all merchandise profits accumulated from your actions are immediately the property of Ms. Blake, Ms. Dinkley, Mr. Rogers, and my unknown hero.  
  
L: (Coming around) What the hell?  
  
S: If any of you need assistance in acquiring your property, call on my associates.  
  
Sh: Howie…  
  
V: Screwem…  
  
D: And Howel.  
  
Mat: What about me?  
  
Sh: You're finished here, Matlock. Go have some prune juice.  
  
Mat: Right-o!  
  
Sh: I hope he doesn't use the bathroom here. Old man stink is not something to be experienced.  
  
R: You're telling me.  
  
D: Mister Stone!  
  
S: Call me Philo, Ms. Blake.  
  
D: You can call me anything you want, Philo.  
  
-Daphne dips Stone in a very masculine fashion and practically sucks his tongue out of his mouth-  
  
L: Oh no! Daphne attacking Stone again! Don't worry, Stone! I'll help!  
  
S: Rack roff, Roki.  
  
-Daphne drops Stone to the floor when she finishes. He sits there for a few moments completely disoriented, then rises back to his feet-  
  
S: Oh my…Where was I? Oh yes, we've managed to bring down Harold's organization, and have captured the greatest Scooby Doo Villain ever! It looks like that wraps up this mystery!  
  
F: Wait a minute! This is completely unfair! Harold wore Velma's clothes, and completely failed in his plot to destroy everyone, and he was given a bottle of champagne, and the highest praise from the both Stone and Loki! He's leaving this place in a paddy wagon, and he's got even more dignity now than when he started! He's happy to be brought down! What about me? I was thrown down stairs, lead on a wild clue chase, had everyone I ever knew turn on me, lost my merchandising rights, damaged every namable part of my body, and even some things I didn't know I had! I have nothing now! Let me have one moment of glory! Give me one moment to shine!  
  
L: You really want the spotlight, Fred?  
  
F: Of course I do!  
  
L: Very well. (Loki scribbles something on a sheet of paper) Read this.  
  
F: What's my motivation?  
  
L: It'll hit you in a moment.  
  
F: Finally! (He takes his classic butch stance, and inhales deeply. He holds the paper in front of him and begins to read) Wow, you two look almost exactly alike. Except that he's blonde and you're a brunette…  
  
L: Mmhmm…(He is polishing the bat)  
  
F: And he's a little taller…  
  
L: Yup…(He's taking a few practice swings)  
  
F: A little broader in the shoulders…  
  
L: Keep it coming…(He winding up)  
  
F: And much better…  
  
-WANG Loki has slammed the bat straight into Fred's crotch-  
  
F: Ha! You missed!  
  
S: Mister Jones, that's not really something to brag about.  
  
L: I stand aghast. But not for long.  
  
-CRACK Loki spins around and nails a home run on the back of Fred's head-  
  
L: Wow.  
  
S: Didn't even make a scratch. That is the thickest head I've ever seen.  
  
BEGIN END CREDITS! SCOOBY DOOBY DOO…WHERE ARE YOU…BUT WAIT! IS IT REALLY OVER? 


	13. So what happens after the ghost gets car...

(Section 13)  
  
-Stone and Loki are walking out of Succotash County Courthouse. Stone has a very surprised look on his face-  
  
S: That was certainly a new experience.  
  
L: Yeah, that's the first time I've been in a courthouse just to watch.  
  
S: I have never seen a man arrested, charged, indicted, convicted, and taken off to prison in manacles and a Hannibal Lecter face cage in the course of a single day.  
  
L: Stone, you just saw a man arrested, charged, indicted, convicted, and taken off to prison in manacles and a Hannibal Lecter face cage in the course of a single HOUR.  
  
S: Did you have to be cheering throughout the whole procedure? You were spilling your popcorn and soda all over the floor.  
  
L: What did you want me to do? They were selling it at the door  
  
S: Yes, speaking at that, you still owe me five dollars.  
  
L: I would have gotten you a T-shirt and called it even.  
  
S: Sorry, Loki, but a "Fry, Harold, Fry" T-shirt doesn't really appeal to me. Didn't it seem odd that Harold's defense attorney was advocating the death penalty? Canada doesn't even have one.  
  
L: Wasn't it even more odd that the prosecutor was Harold's own father? And that Red was the judge? And you accuse me of being uncivil. He wasn't even paying attention to the trial. He was watching the Super Bowl on his portable TV. And the rest of the Lodge members got off with a slap on the wrist. Literally.  
  
S: And there were only nine charges against Harold. How could he get 120 consecutive life sentences?  
  
L: Spent at Possum Lodge. Taking over Bill's position. You know, Stone, when most people wrestle the bailiff's gun away from him, they try to shoot the judge. Harold tried to shoot himself.  
  
S: Well, I'm glad I stepped in and declared a mistrial. He'll be tried over in Despicable County. Over there, he can maybe fall back on appeal.  
  
L: That won't do any good, Stone.  
  
S: Why not, Loki?  
  
L: Harold doesn't have any appeal.  
  
-Stone has no retort-  
  
-Gord and Velma come out of the courthouse arm in arm. Gord has changed out of his ranger uniform and is wearing leather. Velma is also wearing tight leather; spike heeled boots, purple tinted sunglasses, and has changed her hairstyle to something more…primal. Loki is looking directly at Gord in an attempt to not stare at Velma-  
  
L: So, Gord, what's this? Joining Hell's Angels?  
  
G: Velma likes.  
  
L: (Glances quickly at V) So I see, by the bovine wrapped midget. What are you two going to do now?  
  
V: We're going to go back up to Gord's Tower.  
  
L: Back up? Gord, you've been up there for nearly fifteen years. Why would you want to go back there?  
  
G: Privacy.  
  
V: That's not the only tower Gord has to scale.  
  
-L grimaces in pain-  
  
S: Well, Agent Gord, Agent Velma; you've both performed excellently. I guess you two can have some vacation time. You two go climb this other tower Gord has and have some R & R.  
  
L: I don't think there's going to be much of that.  
  
-Stone looks at L, confused-  
  
L: Don't worry about it.  
  
S: Well, Loki, this looks like job well done. We ridded Possum Lodge of a troop of criminals, unmasked the sixteen Phlatulent Phantoms…  
  
L: Seventeen.  
  
S: Seventeen Phlatulent Phantoms, rid the county of some highly dangerous radioactive marijuana, and put away a seriously disturbed and highly abrasive criminal mastermind. I do expect the five bucks back from Harold's trial.  
  
L: How nice for you. Nothing came out the way it was supposed to. Shaggy and Scooby grew backbones, I saw what Velma really was under that sweater, I didn't get any weeee…(Stone is looking at him)…eeeat. Yeah, Wheat. There isn't any wheat in this place, and I wanted to make some bread. And Daphne! I was so close! If it hadn't been for that stupid gum wearing off, I could have…Stone?  
  
-Stone has started off after Velma and Gord-  
  
S: Oh, I'm sorry, Loki. I need to catch those two before they go. I have to discuss some new benefits being introduced into their employee packages.  
  
L: What other benefits can there be other than getting big guns, James Bond gadgets, and wearing tight leather?  
  
S: A full dental plan.  
  
L: I should have guessed. Stone, do you ever get tired of being so white bread?  
  
S: I prefer to think of myself as whole wheat.  
  
L: You would.  
  
-Stone excuses himself with Velma and Gord-  
  
Breathy Voice from behind: Loki?  
  
L: Yes? YAAAAA!!!  
  
-Daphne is standing behind him. She has turned in her purple ensemble for a tight black dress, fishnet stockings, and thigh high black boots. Her eye makeup and bright red lipstick give her a frightening, yet dangerously inviting look-  
  
L: Daphne! Wow…the Joan Crawford look really works for you.  
  
D: Yes…it was the purrrrrfect expression of my newfound self now that I've escaped from Fred's pink panties and scarf.  
  
L: I kinda liked the pink panties.  
  
D: Now that my true self has been released, I took it upon myself to relieve Fred of his own dignity after stripping me of mine.  
  
L: Fred had dignity left? Never mind that. Are you going to be busy anytime in the future? Maybe we could hook up. Get some coffee, or maybe a hard martini in your case.  
  
D: Perhaps…allow me to call my social secretary. FRED!  
  
-Daphne strikes her hand hard with her riding crop. Fred approaches, walking very knock-kneed. He is now wearing Velma's clothes-  
  
F: Yes, mistress.  
  
D: Have a look at my schedule for the next week, lap dog.  
  
F: Apart from the hostile takeovers of major television studios and getting yourself into every television program worth watching, although that's not very many, you have an opening at 4 o'clock on Thursday.  
  
D: Never mind. Loki…I'll find you.  
  
-Daphne traces her finger along Loki's face again, pressing harder this time. She is treading the fine line between pleasure and pain. Loki doesn't care which side she falls on-  
  
S: Ms. Blake! …Um…what a…flattering choice of clothing! And…Mr. Jones.  
  
F: Stone! Loki! Please! You managed to humiliate me, foil my scheme, and reduce me to a date book carrying lackey on a leash! Please…one of you…insult me! Injure me! Do something to remind me that there is a lower level than the one I occupy now! Show me I haven't hit bottom!  
  
-Stone and Loki stand there for a moment, saying nothing-  
  
S: I can't think of anything.  
  
F: Loki! Of all the people here, you can think of some biting remark. Some little barb to relieve me of this torment!  
  
-Loki looks Fred right in the eyes and places a hand on his shoulder-  
  
L: Fred…I genuinely pity you.  
  
F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
D: Loki, that was awfully cruel of you.  
  
L: The worst thing is I meant it.  
  
D: I have to take the dog to be neutered now…keep in touch, Loki.  
  
-Daphne blows him a kiss and leaves with Fred in tow on his leash-  
  
L: Whoah…Daphne has become the traditional black widow, enticing men with her charms, and drawing them into her web of sin before giving them a moment of pure ecstasy and devouring them with her venomous fangs…it just might be worth it.  
  
V: Oh, Philo?  
  
-Stone and Loki see Velma coming back. Loki once again is absorbed by the sight of her now longer hair cascading in the slight breeze, her curves so sharp they would require a fifteen-mph speed limit, and the Doublemint Mountains on her chest-  
  
L: Ya know, Velma…does Frank Frizetta know about you?  
  
V: I have an appointment with him on Tuesday.  
  
-V approaches L-  
  
V: You know, Loki, it didn't have to be this way.  
  
L: It…didn't? (He doesn't understand)  
  
V: Oh no…(whispering sultrily in his ear) I was the one who sent you that sample of marijuana. I wanted to get you here, so I could get you high, tie you to a bed, and take carnal advantage of you. But you were just so mean to me, you killed my desire to fuck you like a rabbit on ecstasy. Now that you see what you've lost, I hope you dream of me, and club yourself with a hammer from guilt. (She kisses his earlobe, and pulls away)  
  
L: (frantic look on his face) NO! I can be nice! I can be charming! Look! (He reaches behind his back, produces a fistful of snakes) AHH! (tosses them away) Hold on! (Tries again, gets a golf club) DAMN! (an AK-47) Cool. (A venus flytrap) That's a little closer. (A bouquet of wilted roses) AHA!  
  
-V is already heading off with G. Loki can only watch as the twin peaks of heaven walk away-  
  
S: Loki, I do expect the five bucks back from the trial as soon as you can get it. But isn't it nice to see that this case brought together two people so in need in companionship?  
  
-Loki drops the roses and begins to cry-  
  
S: Oh all right. You can keep the five bucks.  
  
-Shaggy and Scooby have emerged from courthouse. They are wearing trenchcoats and dark sunglasses and walking with a confident swagger. Loki dries his tears and looks impressed. Stone is cocking a suspicious eyebrow.  
  
L: Lookin' sweet, S n' S. What's with the new look?  
  
Sh: We decided to go pro. We joined the union of dealers, man. (Flashes Union of Weed Dealers Card)  
  
Sc: Reah. Roressional Realers. (Flashes card)  
  
L: Very cool. What made you two do that?  
  
Sh: We figured if Jay and Silent Bob could do it, so could we. We were the dimwitted stoner comic duo when Kevin Smith was still in diapers.  
  
Sc: RUCK Ray and Rirent Rob! Ruck rem up ra RASS!  
  
Sh: I hear that, Scoob. We'll deal with them soon enough. We got something to do first thing.  
  
L: What's that?  
  
Sh: We're gonna find Casey Cassem and beat the shit out of him for making me talk like that for so long.  
  
Sc: Rith rass ruckles.  
  
L: Have fun, boys, and don't leave any visible marks. Than he can't prove you did it.  
  
Sh: Speaking of all that, we also are going out to Stone's stud farm. There's 500 Great Dane bitches waiting for Scoob's canine cock.  
  
L: Couldn't that kind of exertion prove fatal?  
  
Sc: Rif rhey rie, rhey rie.  
  
-S and S hop into a pimped-out low rider and vanish.  
  
S: Loki, it looks like everything is finished here. What are you going to do now?  
  
L: I guess I'll go back home. All I've got to show for the trip is the five hundred dollars I made betting on…the horse at the track. What about you, Stone?  
  
S: There's always a new battle to fight. I never get a reprieve. I'm off to Brazil to collect an ancient Mayan golden mask, and possibly teach an indigenous tribe how to read.  
  
L: (muttering) I hope I never become like you.  
  
S: What was that?  
  
L: That's so valid and true. The natives should learn how to read. See ya, Stone.  
  
S: Good journey, Loki. Oh, one other thing. I know you be a trustworthy man, so I feel I can leave you with this.  
  
-S winks, climbs into the bi-plane, and takes off.  
  
L: Just how did he manage to land that thing in the parking lot, and not damage a single thing?  
  
-L shrugs it off. Questioning Stone is never worth the effort-  
  
L: What is this? A book? THE SECRETS OF SINANJU?! YYEEEESSSS!!!!  
  
-He hops into the Diablo and drives off-  
  
L: Shit. Velma spurns me for a psycho forest ranger, Shaggy and Scooby have developed their own identities, and Fred is the Spider Queen's lackey. I didn't even get my weed. An era has ended. One thing I can be glad about. Now that the Scooby Gang is gone, nothing else ridiculous can happen.  
  
OR CAN IT? 


	14. It's not over yet

(Section 14)  
  
-Out in the middle of the woods. Loki is walking along the dirt road with The Secrets of Sinanju in hand-  
  
L: This is ridiculous. I check the tires, I check the oil, I even check the wiper fluid. I cannot believe I forgot to check the gas.  
  
-Loki jams his hand in his pocket in frustration-  
  
L: What's this?  
  
-He pulls his hand back out. He is holding a pack of gum-  
  
L: Stone's gum. I forgot to give that back to him. And there's three pieces left. A lot of good that does me. All I have now is a book on giving women sexual arousal the likes of which they have never known, and gum that gets in them into a primal desire to fornicate. There's no one around here for miles.  
  
BEEP BEEP  
  
-A van is coming from down the road. It reads "Josie and the Pussycats" on the side. Josie sticks her head out the window-  
  
J: Are you lost, mister?  
  
L: You might say that. Mind if I hitch a ride to the next town?  
  
J: We've had some problems with men lately. Our manager used our names in a really bad movie and ran off with our roadie Allen. We should have expected it. They both wore scarves.  
  
L: Yeeeesss…that should have been a tip-off. There no need to fear that from me, ladies. I have no aspirations of financial success.  
  
J: All right, hop in, stranger.  
  
-Loki hops in the van and settles in back next to Melody.  
  
L: Howdy there, Miss Puss. Feeling frisky?  
  
M: No funny business, mister. I'm not that kind of girl.  
  
L: Darn…say, I see there are three cots back here.  
  
M: Yeah, we can't afford any hotel costs right now, so we sleep in the van.  
  
L: Reeeaaaalllllyyy…Melody, would you by any chance want some gum? 


	15. Still more

(Section 15)  
  
-Back inside Possum Lodge. Red is sitting at Harold's giant TV in his secret stronghold-  
  
R: Ya know, this Xbox isn't too bad.  
  
BEEP  
  
R: Oh, it's five o'clock. Time for the news.  
  
-Red switches the channel to the local news station. The newscaster's face is hidden beneath his notes-  
  
Caster: …and it was the last time he ever said porpoise and African Aardvark Mating dance in the same sentence ever again. In current news, Harold Green, the dashingly handsome and debonair master criminal escaped from his bonds en route to prison earlier this morning and is still at large. It is believed that he is heading South, most likely Costa Rica, and is most definitely not going anywhere near Possum Lodge to seek revenge.  
  
-The newscaster sneezes and drops the notes to reveal Harold sitting there. He reaches below the desk and puts on a pair of Groucho glasses-  
  
H: This is most definitely not Harold Green signing off.  
  
R: Oh shit. I'm in trouble now.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK  
  
R: How did he get here so fast?  
  
-Red goes to answer the door with rubber chicken in hand. He opens the door fast and swings. He hits empty air. A voice from down low calls up to him-  
  
G: Down here.  
  
R: Huh? Who are you?  
  
G: I'm Gary Coleman. I'm here to see Fred Jones.  
  
R: You're too late. He's already left.  
  
G: Ah damn. Now I'll have to go back to demeaning security post.  
  
R: Demeaning? Say, Gary, would you by any chance want a job as director of a television show receiving scores of physical and mental torment?  
  
G: I was a child star on NBC back in the seventies.  
  
R: You may be overqualified. Come on in. 


	16. This is the end

(Section 16)  
  
CUT!  
  
STRIKE SET!  
  
-The lights go out on Possum Lodge. The hard lights go back up, revealing Possum Lodge to be only a small model. Numerous stagehands swarm the area, taking down lights, carrying away furniture, and disassembling the walls of the set, leaving only a concrete floor covered in marking tape. A man in a white T-shirt reading DIRECTOR is pointing out places to take the set pieces. His baseball cap keeps his face in shadow. The back wall of the Lodge is carted away, revealing the green room behind. The cast of both the Red Green show and Scooby-Doo are lounging in easy chairs snacking on finger foods. Many are hanging around the ashtrays smoking, as actors are wont to do…and they are. The director walks over to the cast and removes his cap. Loki smiles to everyone and joins them. In a moment, Stone enters, wearing a T-shirt reading PRODUCER. He is carrying a large stack of paychecks. The lesser members of the Red Green Show take their money and go. Before Graham Greene leaves, Stone talks with him.  
  
S: Mr. Greene…I agree that Dances with Wolves was a fine, enjoyable film, however, I do think that your performance in Maverick was far more entertaining. There are some excellent comedic moments…particularly the scheme involving the Russian Diplomat.  
  
Gr: I suppose so, you know, I sure am grateful to Clint Eastwood for actually casting real Natives in his films. Otherwise the only gigs I'd be doing would be standing outside cigar stores.  
  
-Greene goes. Enter Steve Smith. Now dressed formally in a three piece suit-  
  
L: Oh, Steve, we need to keep that beard.  
  
-Loki grabs hold of the beard-  
  
Sm: YEOW! (Now using a Oxford dialect with a deep baritone) That beard is real, thank you. If you will excuse me, director, I have an appointment to keep in Florence. Luciano Povaratti has come down with laryngitis and I am needed to complete the now unformulated Three Tenors.  
  
L: That's lovely, Steve. Stone's got your pay.  
  
-Enter Fred, dressed casually in a t-shirt and jeans. He is carrying his sailor suit and Velma suit in a garment bag over his shoulder. The fake casts are tucked under his arm-  
  
F: Hey Loki? Where do I put this stuff?  
  
L: The costumes go to Maureen in costuming. The casts are for Paul in props.  
  
F: Ah, thanks.  
  
S: Mr. Smith. I do find it rather amazing that you are able to portray such an eccentric character, given your refined upbringing. How does one such as yourself gather the ideas for such unusual characters?  
  
-Enter Patrick McHenna, in full Scottish garb, complete with shoulder sash and kilt-  
  
P: Och! Ye laddies be sickinen' me wi' your constrictin' pantaloons!  
  
Sm: It isn't too hard. Patrick, would you please put on some underwear?  
  
P: In the motherland 'o Scotland, we let Nessie roam free!  
  
L: And in Canada, we sik Steve Irwin on snakes. You want the Croc Hunter to grab ya by the tail?  
  
P: What a revoltin' thought. Ah, Fred. Jus' the man I been wantin' to see. I wanted to commend ye in yer perseverance in takin' all those mishaps that occurred in the shoot. (Punches Fred in arm) I knocked ye o'er the table a bit hard…(another punch) and pushed ye down the stairs a bit off…(another) and smacked upsi' the head a bit rough…(and another) hope there's no hard feelings.  
  
F: (Rubbing his bruised arm) Not until recently.  
  
P: Good te hear! Ye're a real Scotsman! I'll take me pay, Stone. I've got a shit load of boozin' an pukin' to do!  
  
-Patrick leaves-  
  
Sm: I shall retire as well. Talley-Ho, all!  
  
-Steve leaves-  
  
F: Stone? Is that rubber chicken still handy?  
  
S: I believe that it is on the prop table.  
  
F: Thank you.  
  
-Fred sneaks off after Patrick. A moment later…  
  
WUNK  
  
P: OCH!  
  
WUNK SMACK CLUB CRACK BLEED SCREAM WASHING MACHINE ROTARY ENGINE OUCHIE THAT IS GONNA LEAVE A MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
-Enter Daphne. She is wearing a simple suit, has tied her hair in a nonelaborate ponytail, and is wearing no makeup. She looks like a female banker, actually.  
  
L: Hey Daphne, that was amazing what you did in Chapter 11. (Placing a hand on her shoulder) Care to meet later and refine the techniques?  
  
D: (Shyly) You're touching me.  
  
L: Oh, sorry.  
  
D: I hope I wasn't too forward in those scenes. I'm not very comfortable doing those things.  
  
L: That's just fine. Maybe I could help you get over it.  
  
D: I can't. I'm busy. I have a microbiology lecture at Harvard tomorrow.  
  
L: And later?  
  
D: I have a shoot at the Playboy mansion.  
  
L: HUH? I have to get back in Hugh's good graces now.  
  
-Daphne collects her pay and goes. A fingernail traces down Loki's spine-  
  
L: What the?  
  
-Velma is standing behind him, still wearing her leather costume-  
  
L: Velma, Maureen's going to need that.  
  
V: It's mine. I always wear this stuff.  
  
L: Oh. So…what are you doing after all this?  
  
V: I have a two runway walks for Just My Size and Victoria's Secret. But after the funeral…I should be free.  
  
L: Funeral?  
  
-Peter Keleghan comes lurching in, looking like the walking dead. He is flushed, and is very weak.  
  
L: Peter? Shouldn't you take some time off? This could be fatal to you.  
  
G: Yeah, but what a way to go.  
  
L: I can't argue with that.  
  
V: Like I said, look me up at the wake.  
  
L: Wait…you're Irish, too. Aren't you, Velma?  
  
V: As Irish as you, Loki.  
  
L: Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh…  
  
-Exit Velma and Peter-  
  
S: We still have three checks left to distribute.  
  
L: Who's left?  
  
-Enter Shaggy. He is wearing a silk suit; looking a lot like Don Johnson's fashion style.  
  
S: Hello, Norville. Back to Hollywood with you then?  
  
Sh: Yes, I have to do the Weekly Top 40 in the morning.  
  
L: How's the record label coming?  
  
Sh: Not bad. I just signed three bands from Canada. This place is a jackpot of unknown talent.  
  
L: See ya, Norv.  
  
-Shaggy goes-  
  
-Enter Scooby, walking on his hind legs and holding his back in pain-  
  
S: Mister Mochrie…you can remove the costume now.  
  
-Scooby unzips his stomach, and Colin Mochrie emerges.  
  
L: I am impressed, Colin. When I saw you doing Scooby-Doo on Whose Line, I knew you were perfect for the part. You did so much better than, say, Greg Proops.  
  
C: Thanks, Clive. You know, I miss Clive. The other guys would go after him instead of me, and he could defend himself. Now it's just constant bald jokes. That's why I left. Drew just takes it, so they go for me.  
  
S: Oh, Mr. Mochrie. I just received a call from George Lucas. He wants to hire you.  
  
C: Really? What did he say?  
  
S: He wants to use you in the new Star Wars film. He needs someone to play Jar Jar Binks.  
  
C: …maybe I'll go back to Whose Line after all…  
  
-Exit Colin Mochrie-  
  
-Re-enter Fred, wiping off a lot of blood from the rubber chicken-  
  
F: Thanks, guys.  
  
L: Anytime. Hey, Fred, we're sorry that we weren't able to do much with you.  
  
S: Indeed, we searched as much as could to find a more substantial role, but all we could manage was a maniacal villain.  
  
F: I'm actually thankful. Hanna-Barbera did me no justice with that role. I finally got to do something other than "Let's Go, Gang!" It's ridiculous. The comic books gave my character more depth than the television show ever did.  
  
L: So what are you going to do now?  
  
F: I'll just go back to the Cartoon Network and be a stand-in for Johnny Bravo. He never does his own stunts you, know. He's too worried about his face. Do you have any plans for another Scooby-Doo special?  
  
S: Not that we know of.  
  
F: Oh…see you two.  
  
L: Bye Fred…Stone, send him a 500 dollar bonus.  
  
S: I'm making it a thousand.  
  
L: Good idea.  
  
-Gary Coleman tugs on Loki's pant leg-  
  
Ga: Loki? We're set for the exposition.  
  
L: Thank you, Gary…Gary? Where did you go?  
  
-The entire environment has vanished. There is only a field of white-  
  
S: Loki?  
  
L: GAH! Why are you here? Of all the things to still be here, you're still here?  
  
S: Of course. All the illusions have been dropped. We are standing in blank space to provide the exposition in its purity. We have been reduced to ego extensions of the authors to communicate their intentions in this literature.  
  
L: Then why are you still talking like a lawyer?  
  
S: The author whom I represent uses a very refined vocabulary. Yours, on the other hand, resorts to crudity.  
  
L: Hmph.  
  
S: To begin. I am not Philo Stone, and neither are you.  
  
L: I am not Loki Gwydion, though I wish I were.  
  
S: We are to present the authors', yes there are two, ideas and input on the creation of this fanfic.  
  
L: We start off with my creation. I was created for use in a White Wolf game, and was going to be an Immortal, Highlander-esque. But when my creator began his novel, starring me, the copyright issues came into play, and I was altered into a less recognizable form. Hence the mage, a more general characiture, and also more versatile.  
  
S: Loki's use in the novel was to be used as a satirization of the fantasy hero, which is usually characterized by someone like Frodo Baggins, who is a spineless baby who cries all the time, and needs to be kicked in the ass to do anything, and is possessing of moral values and strength that are impossible for a normal human to maintain.  
  
L: Stone? You just sounded like me.  
  
S: The format was a partnered effort. The actual wording is left to your counterpart.  
  
L: Cool. I am the element of realism and intelligence that needed to be added to the modern hero so badly. Someone who as devious as the villains, sometimes more so, and I win because of this. I also am too damn smart to get myself into some of the stupid situations other "heros" get into. If anyone knows their folklore, you will realize I bear many similarities to the true definition of hero, which more like Odysseus or Achilles. It was common for the people to run away screaming, "Look out! Here come the heros!" The old time hero was as flawed, if not more, than the common man was. Henceforth, I am not about to go risking myself in an altruistic fashion to get a plotline moving.  
  
S: Hence my addition. I was introduced as a counterpoint to Loki, a polar opposite to him. I am here to kick Loki into action. Otherwise, he would be content to live in a bubble of comfort. Also, I exist as a satire of the modern hero. The modern definition of hero is one who is a white knight on a white horse who never thinks of himself and risks himself for total strangers and never gets hurt. I satirize this by being so good and perfect, it is impossible, even by the modern standard. I am essentially Doc Savage, the perfect man. I am so perfect, it sickens you. If anyone is not made ill by my perfection, you need to stop watching kiddie cartoons.  
  
L: If you are wondering about the similarities between us physically, there is connection between us. But to reveal that now would spoil the surprise in the book.  
  
S: Speaking of that, the book is an ongoing project for this author, and he decided to take a side project to more fully develop the two of us. Because, both authors hate when a book has characters that are obviously being made up as they go along.  
  
L: So this was a form of writing exercise. It was decided that for me to become more full, the best way was to remove me from my normal environment, which was still being concocted, and to place me a static, established one, and see how I responded.  
  
S: And, of course, there is no environment more static than Scooby-Doo.  
  
L: Despite that statement, many may not realize that SD was rather risqué for its time. It essentially combined action-adventure and a situation comedy. Envision Mission: Impossible meets Three's Company.  
  
On second thought…don't envision that.  
  
S: SD, being contrived in 1969, contained many anti-establishment sentiments. Here you have a group of kids under 20 with no adult supervision, who are financially independent, though I could never figure out how; who are tackling middle-aged, white males who are generally trying to make a claim on real estate to gather monetary gains. In essence, adult businessmen.  
  
L: The problem with SD arose in that it lasted far too long. Most cartoons put out one or two seasons of material. Then are forgotten. Who remembers Super President? SD was such a commercial jackpot; the studio could not afford to take it off the air. So to compensate, new spin-offs were made. The Scooby Movies with Celebrity Guest stars was the beginning of the end. Particularly when the celebrities where either dead, like Laurel and Hardy, or fictional, like Batman and Robin. It reached its nadir when Tom Conway was used, and was completely wasted as a talent.  
  
S: After this, the gang was recycled into the Laffalymics, and was given new characters, such Scooby Dumb as Scrappy Doo. Neither was well received.  
  
L: Shit. If I'd been there, I would have used Scrappy as a hand grenade. Just throw him in the guy's face, he'd be as nasty as a face hugger alien. Surprised no one thought of that.  
  
S: Yeeeeesssss…in time, the show could no longer be taken seriously. At this point, Fred and Velma were abandoned; the atmosphere was forsaken for campy version not unlike the Adam West Batman.  
  
L: By then, the show was more "cartoony" then ever, and made no attempt to create any dramatic suspense.  
  
S: The original cast members were the subject of vicious stereotypes prevalent at the time. Shaggy was a direct rip-off of a character on "The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis". We are surprised that Bob Denver was not used as the voice artist. Also, SD was formed from the "I Love a Mystery" radio show.  
  
L: Fred was the strong male lead that was necessary to rally the team into action and forge into a situation they really had no reason to enter. He was a one-dimensional plot device used to jump start the episode.  
  
S: Daphne…Daphne…the poor girl was the over-enthusiastic, clumsy one who would serve as eye candy and would open the wrong door, fall down the trap door, or do something that would allow the plot to continue. Also, she was prone to making obvious comments that everyone could see. This was due to these Saturday morning cartoons being referred to as "animated radio". It was easier to describe something than to illustrate it.  
  
L: Then Velma…she really got it bad. She fell prey to worst typecasting. She was the brainy, unattractive girl who could make intellectual comments, and would solve the mystery in part while the male lead made the closing statements, all the while she never deterred his attention from the task at hand.  
  
S: Scooby-Doo…just there to take advantage of the animation, and to give Shaggy a comedic partner. Comedy works best in pairs. Ever wonder why no one ever questioned why the dog was talking?  
  
L: In time, Shaggy and Scooby took over the show, and became the authority figures. No one cared about any of the others. Except perhaps us.  
  
S: Another thing about SD was that it contained the "countrified" anti- urban values that were common of the day. Ever notice how often they were in the woods or some run-down amusement park? Some may accuse us of ignoring A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, which actually gave the characters some depth that could be accepted intellectually. Are we? YES.  
  
L: To make this fic work, we needed a neutral ground for all the characters that would be suitable for SD.  
  
As a passing joke, one of us mentioned The Red Green show. We realized that it was perfect. It is a rural setting filled white, male, less than intelligent people. Every character was a prime SD villain. Also, the most obvious suspect would turn out to be innocent. The one person it could never be would be the villain. SD was notorious for this. There were many times where the villain could never have been who it was and fit in the story.  
  
S: An old idea was to create an entirely new cast of characters, or to have a convention of old SD villains. Both would have required too much work for such a casual activity.  
  
L: If anyone has not seen Red Green, check Redgreen.com, as mentioned in Ch. 3. It's worth watching. The backwoodsmen of Canada were perfect characters for an SD story.  
  
S: Then a villain had to be chosen. We selected Harold.  
  
L: Harold was a prime choice due to several factors. First, he was the most likely to snap, due to his always being pushed around. He was the only one around with the necessary brains to pull off an operation like that. And he was usually right, and was made to suffer for it.  
  
S: Of course, it was made very obvious from the beginning who the villain was. Why so obvious? It always was. It was part of the traditional format of SD.  
  
L: I had to enter SD with as regular a plot line as possible. Otherwise, I would not be able to properly react to the Scooby-Doo setting. Also, considering that I am, while exactly immortal, very long-lived and well preserved, I needed to have a point of contact with characters that I could have known in my past, and would not notice that I haven't aged. And considering that SD gang hasn't aged in 33 years, they fit well.  
  
S: Some comments have been made regarding the drug content in this fanfic, and accusations have been made that we were betraying the spirit of SD.  
  
L: Listen up, little girls. This fic was never about Scooby-Doo. It was always about ME! Worse perversions have happened to this genre anyway. Why, I could direct you certain NC-17 fics…  
  
S: Down, boy. The drugs were needed to give Loki a reason to be at the lodge that correlated with his character. Given his activities, it would take something like this to get him all the way to Canada. Also, there have been many rumors surrounding Shaggy's extracurricular activities. This gives Loki and the SD gang a common point of contact to begin the story.  
  
L: So where did we get the ideas for these twists on the SD characters? Anyone with a decent amount of intelligence can see that these character de- evolutions were in effect before we ever came along.  
  
S: So what happened? As the show progressed, people stopped believing that the characters would keep making the same mistakes and actions over and over again. So the characters experienced a severe decrease in intelligence. This could be referred to as the Married with Children or Boy Meets World syndrome. On all these shows, the characters became more insane and stupid as they went along. It served as a way for the writers that were running out of ideas to formulate silly and absurd plots that would never have worked with more intelligent characters.  
  
L: At this point, Daphne got really dumb, and Velma stopped making her mystery-solving comments. It eventually became a giant chase scene after the writers got tired of creating an actual mystery.  
  
S: In the eighties, Fred and Velma were shown to be ultimately disposable, and were taken from the show, leaving Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, and a super intelligent Daphne. Why her? She's pretty.  
  
In essence, the girls were heavily exploited.  
  
L: Then, we needed a true villain. Fred. Why Fred? There wasn't anything else we could do with him. Besides, we both hate Fred. Fred was the spineless leader. The first to lead everyone into danger, and the first to run from it. Ever notice he always in front on everyone when they ran? Then stays in the back when he sets up an overly elaborate trap that involves using everyone as bait…except him. He epitomized the Marlon Perkins "human shield" principle. He barked orders as long as he was behind someone.  
  
S: Also, another problem that arose was that Fred was the one character that never changed. He was always the same as the years went on. He was the constant in the SD universe. So we really had nothing that we could do with him. Making him gay stemmed from the numerous times that Daphne has clung to him, and he never noticed. Who else would make no acknowledgement of someone that looked like Daphne hanging off you?  
  
L: One of the best places we found to satirize the characters came from the Cartoon Network's episodes involving Gary Coleman and Johnny Bravo. They are both highly recommended, though the former is superior.  
  
S: My arrival in the fic was also to provide me with some stretching room, but more importantly, to flesh out my relationship to Loki. I will play a crucial role in the novel, and I needed to be made more three-dimensional. Of course, to justify my presence in this fic, Harold had to be made a master criminal genius. If he were small-time, the use of me would be the equivalent of siking a Doberman Pincer on a goldfish.  
  
L: That's an awfully out-of-character ego spurt, Stone.  
  
S: I am aware of my abilities, Loki.  
  
L: Hmph. Anyhow, bringing Stone into this would end the story very quickly. So Shaggy and I have to work together to slow him down. This gives me a chance to shine in my brilliance and cunning.  
  
S: And to illustrate how well Loki and I work as a team. We both function much better than we would alone.  
  
L: We also developed our distinctive brands of humor. Mine, the intelligent, and semi-malicious observations…and Stone, who should be stoned for those horrible puns.  
  
S: Also, writing out Velma quickly was for the same reason as my own retardation of efficiency. We kept her very intelligent, and she also would have ended the story very quickly. Also, we felt sorry for Velma, and wanted to give her something she deserved.  
  
L: In a way, everyone won something in this. Shaggy and Scooby became their own people, Daphne got her brain back, and Velma got to release her tension from being alone for so long.  
  
S: We both have a soft spot for Harold, so we had him win above all others. He gained true criminal ascendance, and got off scot-free.  
  
L: I got the Pussycats. Stone got that Waterford crystal. The only person who didn't win anything was…Fred. But, we didn't want him to win anything, anyway.  
  
S: Well, that's all I have.  
  
L: That's all I have, too. So what now?  
  
-They both walk away- 


End file.
